No, you don't say no if you love your spouse.
You say, "of course you can raise your child. I however, will not do ________ ________ __________. & you will still help with the baby. If you are not home you need to find a sitter" etc etc. You come to an agreement on how things will be once the child moves in. & you will take BM for CS & a court order, like YESTERDAY"

Instead of going with the all to common assumption that the wife will raise all children whether hers or not.

To add, I also hate so many people are comparing what that BM today to "all of our husbands"

DH wanted SD7, always has. He fought for her. The courts said "she's too young to leave mommy" & let her move 5 hours away after she dropped out of college. Dh was still in school. Got out of school, got a good job, when back & all he could get was 30% custody. BM lives in a small 2 bedroom apartment, at the time she had her other child by another man & that man living there.

Fast forward again, We live ina nice home in one of the best school districts in the STATE. BM still livesi n same apartment. She still moves other baby daddy in & out of little shack. Still shows everyone how emotionally unstable she is.

Yet she gets custody of SD, CS, & gets to claim SD on her taxes every single year even though DH financially supports her 90%.

DH never just decided "yeah I'd rather be with Queen alone - BM take her" NEVER not once. I've always known he wanted SD, & if there was a glimmer of hope he could get custody we could definitely go back to court. But he damn sure would have to give me a heads up.

Talking to his SO first should have been a no brainer. The outcome should have been the same.

The OP has to be honest with the guy. If she doesn't want the child in her, she has to tell him that. It's wrong to marry a parent without revealing your true feelings for his/her child. Keeping that information under wraps is selfish.

I hope I don't take this too off-topic and if you feel I do, please tell me to post my own blog.

Along the same lines though, what would you do if your DH's father passed and then he wanted his mother to come live with you?

I think what would have been different about the fiance consulting his pregnant wife is that they, together as a team, would have weighed the problem, considered and investigated solutions, and together as a team, decided what action to take.

What actually happened in that case was one person in the relationship did what they did without allowing his 'partner' to contribute her intelligence, experience, insight or what-have-you. And yet the fiance will, many on this board suspect, expect his 'partner' to do the grunt work resulting from his independent choice.

It was the fiance's responsibility to take action to help his kid. But that responsibility was not INSTEAD of his responsibility to be a partner to his fiance.

I love QB's response--of course, if there's been no significant psycho damage due to the skid (false sexual abuse allegations etc.) then the child should come (as long as it's not one of those "I don't like mom's rules so I'm going to dad's"), and the DH should step the eff up and be the parent and not expect SM to do ANYTHING. Anything she does for the kid is a favor for HIM and the kid. SAHM or not.