Holiday gifts
Things evolve and we sometimes don't really notice, even though we might have pushed along the "evolution."
I've always loved giving gifts. Many years ago, I would buy the skids gifts from me, DH would buy them gifts from him, and sometimes we'd also get them gifts from the both of us--or I'd buy the gifts that were from the both of us. For the first years, I watched the "thank yous" directed solely toward DH (he would correct the skids). Skids also took jabs at us/me via gift giving over the holidays, purchasing only Dad things like men's slippers. DH told them not to give anything if they couldn't acknowledge me during the holidays, too--he told them their behavior was embarrassing and rude.
SS stopped giving altogether (he's such a cheapskate, anyway, so I'm sure he loved being told to just stop). SD, the more manipulative of the two, simply altered her approach, and began making DH things like "his favorite cookies" and sending them to "us" with notes that read, "Your Favorite!" lol. Last year, she sent homemade sourdough bread, and I thanked her for it via text, which must have horrified her, so she quickly called DH to make sure he knew it was for him.
What I didn't pay attention to is that once I stopped buying and sending gifts several years ago, DH started writing checks--not even sending gift cards. His gift-giving became very impersonal and, honestly, empty. Of course the skids noticed it. I had just never thought much about it. They clearly have seen the change.
I thought about all of this the other night when I had opened a box of gifts I had ordered for my niece's sons. DH was in the room and was curious. I showed him this really cool thing I bought for the 6-year-old that projects various moving images of the stars, planets, comets, etc. on the ceiling. DH's face sort of drained of blood for a moment. It looked like it hit him that, no, we don't do things like this for the skids and grands. We don't take joy in buying them anything we think they will love. I'm out.
Why? Because genuine heartfelt gift-giving on THEIR PART was never genuine, never heartfelt, and was only a game of holding up the middle finger during the holidays--and we stopped playing.
Nothing wrong with the way you feel
SK disrespect you by playing there games . It's hard to get joy from giving to people who just don't respect you. As a SP you can't expect SK to love you. But you must expect that SK respect you.
I gave up on expecting
I gave up on expecting anything, including respect, from them. But now the feelings are mutual.
Gifts....
This one is loaded! I understand why you stopped with the skids and their children. Giving should bring joy to both the recipient and the giver. I have found that if I am not giving from my heart, I stop giving.
Last Christmas I received a hoodie sweatshirt from YSD, which had the logo of a discount store on it. It is still in the plastic bag it was shipped in. #1 I don't wear hoodies. #2 I don't advertise for stores. #3 This one is important...this gift selection just reinforced to me that the giver does not know me at all! I am almost always dressed up; it's how I feel comfortable. Even more important, it also told me she was not interested in knowing me at all. It is not difficult to observe a person to note their likes/dislikes. Or to ask. Or even to ask her father, who knows what I like. Every year I had put a lot of thought, time, and effort into gifting YSD; I ask for a list and I make careful selections to ensure that she has nice, quality gifts. I wrap them up beautifully. I enjoy the whole process.
I am checking out of the gifting. It is now up to DH. I will concentrate my efforts where they are acknowledged and appreciated.
I know I am recycling this
I know I am recycling this comment from an older post, but feel like it warrants a reshare in this case:
In the early years, I was fairly generous with getting gifts for SD29, out of the kindness of my heart and also out of helping DH financially give her a nice Christmas to the best of my ability too, even though funds were limited on both of our ends at that time. Then would also contribute some cash his way to put towards whatever gifts he wanted for the grands. Now I have fallen away from making much of an effort, once I was met with lack of grattitude. Or when I got the message from SD as if these things were expected more than appreciated. I dont recall ever getting a thank you from SD or a response. nor has she gotten anything for me at Christmas in ages. Cant remember the last time I received anything, not that I get all hung up about keeping score.
Last year was no exception. DH did all the shopping on his own. Unknown to me until Christmas Day, it turned out he gifted her a 5 dollar candle on my behalf, that I had no idea about let alone picked out. That was news to me. I am sure she knew that, but still didnt get a thank you from her, but perhaps that might have been nice even though, on the other hand, I really dont deserve the credit. Not like that bothers me anymore the way it used to.
She at least got DH a card which I found while sorting and organizing our stuff last year. Was only made out to DH as only he was mentioned. All gushing about how happy she is about "ARE BOnd" meaning OUR as in just her and him . Im sorry, to be a Grinch.. but ...Barf! Again, not like I expected anything.Now its kind of funny that since last Christmas,months later... she came at me for "pushing her way".
@MorningMia..Im sure i had already commented this to you before too, but also when DH did receive a gift from SD, it was clearly something that only he would have use for ( a male shaving kit, that kind of deal)
To be fair, DH was sent with some little homemade crafts from SD;s kids which I accepted graciously of course. Was going to ignore the fact that these things were presented in this kind of crumbled old paper bag that was saturated with stale ass cigarette smoke that SD must have tossed them into. Nothing from her persay. They say its the thought that counts.
There was a time when I woud have been so hurt and devastated feeling like I was excluded by her,. Now. I have handled it so much better and rolls right off my back as I shrugged it off. Does the little crafts from the kids make me upset or feel guilty for my disengagement, since its Christmas time? Sometime yes, when I let it bother me. Should I feel guilty regarding not getting SD anything, seeing that I feel like I am simply matching effort now?
She has sworn that she "dont want nuttin from me" after insulting me for not giving her whatever she wanted. Well, then id want to say that this means she cant or wont get upset when she does indeed get "nuttin" from me .She probably will once again decide that she is butthurt months later about it anyway. Oh well.
I remember the shaving kit
I remember the shaving kit story--and you KNOW I can relate--but it's good/helpful to read or reread your experiences. I'm laughing over "are bond" and ". . . nuttin from me." Dear Lord!
It's so good to emotionally detach. Last year's sourdough gift (or, rather, my response to it, by texting SD a thank you) made me laugh and still does. I'm ready for what comes in the mail that excludes me this year. They don't have to ready themselves for arrows shot from this direction, as it's always NUTTIN FROM ME. LOL.
I k now I should be glad she
I k now I should be glad she was thoughtful enough to at least get DH a card..Thats fine. But good lord, it looked and read like a four year old penned it. I guess I can have a little tiny bit of a giggle over it since she is known to talk herself up. saying shes soooo smart. so thoughtful so good now that she has found Jesus apparently .so this so that...blah blah ..tooting her own horn. Its like she doesnt realize that I know that deep down she is still a very insecure , emotionally stuck "lost" "poor little girl in the body of a soon to be 30 year old as if she is still a child.
I honestly hope to be excluded this year. Id rather get nothing then recieve something that Im sure SD is hoping to use as a means to win me back or guilt trip me into having a "bond" with her too, as if any gesture from her means she excepts something from me in return , and thats been the case! . Barf. Its has gotten to the point where I might feel insulted if I get some sappy phony card with that same kind of creepy stalker vibe from her making another attempt to beg me and convince me to "grow with her" not realizing that her behavior is why thats the last thing I ever want to do now. ( Barf...actually I would practically throw up in my mouth a little like I did the last time....its so true) I would be tempted to burn that card if I get one, but thinking i should save it in case I need it for evidence of said stalkerish obsessive behavior
Gift giving (or receiving) is
Gift giving (or receiving) is not my love language, but it's still a hot button item for me.
SD was highly praised for her gift selection "insights." And it is true--she almost always give both DH and me thoughtful gifts. But the process was definitely an insider thing between SD and DH. Starting mid-summer, they would start texting about her great ideas from everyone on her list and DH's list.
I tried to let it go as "their thing" but I resented DH ignoring any budget and essentially using my money on things I was excluded from. So I started giving him my opinions as well. He was horrified. I was "competing" with SD.
The last straw was my suggestion for theater tickets for his sister. Oh, no, he says. He doesn't like to give tickets (news to me and contrary to direct experience). A few weeks later he reports on SD's great idea of theater tickets for his sister. Holy smokes he did not like it when I held that mirror up to him. But he couldn't deny the truth.
As DH learned over the years not to discard his wife whenever SD demanded his attention, SD pulled away as she lost mini-wife status. She's no longer speaking to him AT ALL. And has never said specifically why. It's sad for DH but he's giving her what he gets--nothing.
That would be the last straw
That would be the last straw for me as well. After that, I would be inclined to make that the LAST time I;d ever suggest gifts ideas to pitch to DH even if he asked. If he did, I'd just refer him to SD for advice , since she apparently seems to know whats best for everyone and everything in that department.
Not just the gift department!
Not just the gift department! She knows what's best for everyone in ALL departments. Her version of FAIR and RIGHT applies to all things and all people at all times. It is exhausting. DH and I are "wrong" about so many things and she has literally and figuratively slammed the door on us. I guess she believes that is punishment. My life is SO much more peaceful.
I know how exhausting that
I know how exhausting that really is! I got an SD that comes off like she holds the moral high ground on account of her so called Bible thumping kick. And had to try to hang that over my head and shame me with her so called spirituality in which she finds me lacking.Tries to tell me how I should lead my life over it and play the guilt trip card with me over of how SHE would do things if she were me so thats what everyone else SHOULD Do ..Yeah,sure ..because HER way is always the right way and anything else is "wrong" ( If you have by chance gotten an idea from my blogs over some of her hairbrained life choices, she has some nerve thinking for a second that I actually would want her very much unsolicited advice about anything). No one in their right mind would want to follow her examples or take her that seriously as to appoint her as this spirit guide or life coach which she thinks she is now. But she is also delusional like your step in that she just think shes know whats best for everyone just because she claims she had some ephiphany, I personally think its kind of a front to hide and project her own insecurites. Its either to try to pamper her own ego, or to try to assert control over others since she knows she doesnt have her Own life together.
Sounds like my SD. Very very
Sounds like my SD. Very very insecure and a follower covered up with drinking a little too much and being rude and arrogant. Constantly seeks approval. Terribly (embarrassingly) enmeshed with her mother. Big bible thumper who became a therapist of all things. Fact is her life is a flaming mess.
Your SD, seriously became a
Your SD, seriously became a therapist..as in for Mental Health??? Not PT or anything else! Get out! LOL.
Talk about the blind leading the blind in that case . Its like they dont think that we are on to them and dont notice that their lives are total dumpster Fires that just keep on burning. As if we dont know that they really shouldnt be in charge of others well being.
I find the mere thought of being connected to these types and their dysfunction so mortifying. Thats why I stay as detached from it all a as much as possible. It has gotten to where I want to cringe as of late so much that it would be fine if no one ever caught on to us being related. I hate to be so brash, but there is no denying how embarrassing and awkward it has gotten.
All this excessive seeking of validation and attention really does give me second hand embarrasment as well..as well as mental exhaustion. Its actually quite sad too. You have to wonder if our SD's even really know who They are deep down, since its like they are so starved for others approval , that they will just morph or try to conform to what they think others want..those they suddenly want to rely on to get their supply from. It should explain why your SD is that way with the BM. My SD has t hat same kind of over the top co dependency issues with anyone who will entertain is. At her age ( 30ish) she is a bit too enmeshed with my almost 85 year old MIL. Gushes about how Grammmmy is her "Rock" and "support system" for everything. . I get having a close relationship with grandparents, as i I did too.. There is nothing wrong with that necessarily, even while understanding , that still makes me cringe and turns my stomach a little bit.
Maybe its me, but I have to wonder if its got to be a little over the top for a grown 30 year old woman with a family of her own she needs to be a support for instead of outting that on my MIL for that more than she should be. I shudder to think of what our SD's will ever do when those they cling to so much for support are inevitably not around anymore, if you think their lives are a hot mess now..
Why is it that so many therapists are divorced?
What makes then think that they can help others when so many of them can't help themselves?
The incredible Ph. D that worked with my XW and I for 6mos before XW threw a tantrum and walked out of our final marriage therapy session and then was my individual therapist for 5mos was recently divorced when I first called her for an appointment. My DW's therapist that she worked with on repatriation back to the US after years of living over seas was divorced. My Doc was not yet a Doc when I called for an appointment. She was a licensed therapist with a Master's degree. She was awarded her Ph D while she was advising my XW and I. Hey, I got a rock star therapist dirt cheap! Woo hoo.
I think that many of the divorced therapists bring a shit ton of the their own baggage to play and can be a detriment to the recovery and re-connection effort when a couple is investing in doing the work of salvaging their relationship. I am probably lucky that was not the case with my angel Doc.
I was lucky. My Doc was incredible. That she was fully aware of the issues in my first marriage, the nature of who and what my XW was, and she and I could focus entirely on me and my recovery rather than spending countless hours of me tearfully telling my side of the whole shit storm of a marriage was a huge benefit.
The last session she and I had was when she pseudo fired me as a client. She told me that day that if someone had told her that the young, energetic man with the child like zest for life that was in front of her then was the same sullen defeated middle aged man that had first come to her office 11mos before she would call them crazy. She then told me that of course I could keep working with her but that she felt it was time for me to live my life and that I was fine. I was 26 and far from middle aged.
So, that is exactly what I did and have done since our last session in May of 1990. Sure I have had an occasional back slide period but I have never again invested in being anyone other than the man I like being. Not that everyone likes that, but... I do. Fortunately so does my bride. Apparently anyway.
Occasionally I send the Doc an email, thanking her for the angel that she is and updating her on my life and family. She always graciously responds. Flipping to that page in the marriage counselor section of the Yellow Pages was serendipitous.
Mirroring is a phenomenally effective tool and learning method.
Well played on the theater ticket clarity session smashing DH's nose against the mirror.
My DW has always done some of this though not regarding gifts. We talk about everything. We come home at the end of the day and share our day with each other. We talk, we banter, we vent, we advise each other, etc....
Invariably when she is particularly stressed about something or stuck on a solution .... I give advice. It gets a nod.
Meanwhile back and the ranch and a day, week, month, etc.. later.... "Do you know what XYX LMNOP said?" She then shares nearly word for word what I advised how ever long prior we discussed it.
So now when she does it, I get an interested look on my face and ask "But you know what I want to know don't you? What does (Work guy) think?" (Work guy) was a very close and respected work friend of DW's early in her professional career. Smart guy. So smart that he and I lived in each other's heads and would give DW nearly word for word advice though invariably he would give it significantly after I did. I like (Work guy) and enjoy speaking with him when DW calls him or he calls. Sadly he was married to a retread bride with a prior relationship DD. His SD has a congenital condition that has rendered her progressively blind. He was her daddy. He raised her as his own. He sent her to University on his dime. Her mom left him for the next love of her life when the SD was HS age. That all broke his heart. Though he is her daddy and his SD is his baby, the XW is still the moth circling the flame and periodically will throw a flaming turd over the wall at him and tries to disrupt the relationship between the young woman and (Work guy).
Gifting
I am no contact with SD25 Feral Forger since last time she decided to call me a wh@re via text during a spat with Husband. Now even he doesnt do anything more for her after she raked him over the coals about giving her money. SD18 Princess Powersulk, I will give her $$. Shes generally kind towards me. She has never given me a Christmas card or gift, I would take her out shopping and spend about $125 on what she wanted. Now its a gift card and shes happy with that.
I know exactly what you mean,
I know exactly what you mean, MorningMia. I have always tried to give loved ones gifts that they might get for themself, or at least like - and I used to do this for the SDs when they were younger. However, they were not often taken home to BM's and ones that were, probably got binned. In return I only got passive-aggressive gifts which I think were intended to show me what my worth was in their eyes - ie horrible, secondhand or ultra cheap things. I think exchanging gifts with people determined to see you in a bad light is a waste of time - and money!
I am only sometimes sickened
I am only sometimes sickened thinking of the money I spent. Well, and the thought that went into so many of the gifts early on. Oh, well. You're right: a waste all the way around.
Me too, Mia.
When I look back and think about the money, time and emotional energy I wasted on SD's gifts, I want to kick myself.
But then I comfort myself with the knowledge that I should not feel bad for being me - a person who honestly tries their best to be thoughtful and considerate of others. Like any other challenge in life, I can go to my deathbed KNOWING I honestly tried to do my best and it wasn't enough nor would it ever be.
I now refuse to give anything of myself, including mentally and emotionally, when ingratitude is the only response.
Exactly!
Exactly!
It really does feel like a
It really does feel like a waste @MorningMia. I just thought of something to add about the sourdough bread ( which is honestly my favorite too) Id have texted her that I helped myself to a slice and boy was it good lol..Just to mess with her a little. yes I have reached that level of petty..thanks to stepworld! LOL
Oh, I told her I was eating
Oh, I told her I was eating it. Hahhaha. But I really thought it was for me!
I know its got to be worth a
I know its got to be worth a chuckle to imagine the look of horror on her face. All frantically trying to get a hold of your DH in a panic over it. As you described when she was so hung up about making sure he knew it was just for Him. lol. This woman is really a therapist??? I have to ask again,,since she is tripping out over some bread....its just that mind boggling .
Re: her being a therapist,
Re: her being a therapist, her mother took her to a Bible-based therapist as a teen when SD turned on BM for a short period. BM had to bring her back into the fold, so used God to do that. It really was, in my view, a form of brainwashing. Even SS said back then, "The therapist has her own daddy issues, so this is a bad match."
SD used that (f'ed up daddy issue) therapist as a mentor and continued her education. She likely learned the tools and methods of (Bible based) therapy, but used the profession to make her feel like she has her shit together when nothing is further from the truth.
SD is weak. She's a follower. And she has identity problems like her mother. They latch onto every trend and believe in outrageous conspiracy theories. She used her profession as an identity that isn't real.
Holy crap. Pseudo science
Holy crap. Pseudo science wrapped in religious dogma. Frightening.
IMHO for challenging cases a therapy team has to be a collaborative effort between a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist. One to ensure medical efficacy and the other to be the verbal conduit during the patient's recovery. Adding a bible based therapist certainly can be part of a therapy team but as the primary therapy conduit I am less than convinced that it is effective.
Our very close friend who recently went through a divorce from her former husband of 30+ years went through a number of therapists. One was a faith based therapist that F'd our friend's head up so bad that it took a year + for her to get back on a healthy track. That took a psychiatrist who Rx's and monitors her meds, a highly trained Ph D psychologist and eventually a not bat shit crazy faith based therapist. The Psych team demanded that for her to remain their patient she had to authorize them to tag team the faith based therapist in order to vet them joining her psychological heath team.
The bat shit crazy church lady therapist that nearly destroyed her got frustrated with her and them went all "If you had done as God commanded and followed your husband you would not be divorced." Yep, and if she had stayed in that psychologically abusive, emotionally abusive, and financially abusive marriage she would be dead.
Hopefully this whack job SD of a pseudo science practitioner is vetted heavily by any and all of ther clients. So she does not duplicate her own F'd up bullshit in their lives.
That is a nightmare scenario
That is a nightmare scenario you describe about your friend!
One of the most frustrating things for me to look back on is when SD was falling apart as a young teenager the year we got married because BM was not handling it well and was feeding into the upset. That is when SD very angrily "confronted" DH about his "abandonment" of the family (in my house, of all places!). This was 8 years after her parents' divorce. This was also the first time DH told the litte Princess the truth (BM had an affair--a man she openly moved in shortly after DH was out the door--and told DH to GTFO). For the first time, the Princess heard the truth of what happened, and she subsequently lashed out at her mother and began all sorts of misbehavior.
I KNEW BM needed to get SD back in her court and would do anything to repair the fallout from the truth. Soon enough, SD stopped speaking to DH (that went on for 2+ years aside from a horrible letter she wrote that arrived on our first anniversary), and BM told DH that she was taking SD to a therapist. THAT is when I said, "Get up there and BE IN ON choosing a therapist for your daughter, because BM is going to choose a whack-job."
Well, we know what happened. . . .
A skilled therapist is worth their weight in gold.
Sadly they are exceptionally rare. In my experience far more than most are pseudo science charlatans at best. I lucked out when I found the therapist I engaged during the waning months of my first marriage who I then engaged as my personal therapist for 5mos after my XW walked out of our final couples session. She was affordable and on the first page of that section in the Yellow Pages. When I first found her she was a licensed therapist with a Master's degree and was a Ph.D candidate. Her Ph.D was conferred within a few months of my XW and I starting therapy. She kept her rate the same for the entire 10 mos I worked with her, half with my XW and half 1:1 with the Doc and me.
Yep me too- I get a dog bowl
Yep me too- I get a dog bowl from one SKID every year. Basically telling me the dog is more valuable than you.
Wow! If it were me, I'd say
Wow! If it were me, I'd say the joke would be on SD 30 if that were me, She knows full well that I actually have a dog so I'd accept the gift graciously and turn her attempt to degrade me all around on her. And it bears mention,, and this sounds so terrible, but I honestly do find my dog and cat to be of more value and preference...more of a priority that SD could ever be, which I feel pretty sure makes her jealous in her sick way .
Here's what I'd do:
Next time SD comes for a visit, I'd ask her if she wants a drink and then I'd serve it to her in one of her gifted dog bowls. If she even dared look askance, I'd say, "Well, you gave it to ME as a gift, so it must be fine for human consumption. Drink up!"
Thats an even more brilliant
Thats an even more brilliant idea!
Ooooo. Brilliantly played.
Make sure that anything that thi shit spawn of a SKid eats or drinks in your home is served in one of the many dog bowls she gifted to the SM.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Give her deworming and flea and tick treatment meds as her christmas gift from SM.
It's strange to me how petty
It's strange to me how petty and similar so many Steps are. I was a step-daughter and I never would have dreamed of disrespecting my SM in the ways I see listed here. I loved to find gifts for her and made her homemade cards. Heck, I still send her a nice gift every year.
Whe OSD28 went off to college she said, "I don't care about anything in my room." Fine. Room was immediately emptied and turned into my bio's room. When DH said she might be upset I reminded him of her exact words. He let it go. It made sense for my bio to move from a small room into OSD's nicer, now mostly empty, room.
Both Diablas have said "We don't want to be a part of it." Meaning the home and family that DH and I have created together.
I have mentioned here how at Christmas they only gift DH. They give him gifts that are either for him only (a tie) or a gift for the house, the type of thing that would normally given to a couple or the cook of the house, such as a nice serving bowl or drink coasters. The most blatant excluding gift to DH was not 1, but 2 coffee mugs.
I have told DH that if the roles were reversed I would not accept their gifts but DH seems to enjoy being the center of attention. It is a pet peeve but in the greater picture it falls under the "small stuff" catagory. I let it go. DH gives me lovely gifts so who cares what little petty ploys the SD's pull.
I also know that if DH forced them to give me gifts they would find a way to be passive aggressive in their gift giving. Who needs it?
DH tries to give snotty SD's thoughtful gifts. SD's always return his gifts so he finally stopped giving them anything but a little cash. I used to give them small but thoughtful gifts, like I give to my own kids, but after such blatant exclusion, I stopped.
A new development is that BM moved to another state. (Praise Be) Both SD's consider BM's house to be "home." (Praise Be again) They mostly visit here to stake their claim and remind DH of the failed 1st family and BM. They fight with BM and each other (crazyland) so they also come here when they get sick of each other and they want to dump their drama somewhere else.
The second new development is that both SD's FINALLY have to buy their own plane tickets. YSD26 is whining about having to pay her own way. OSD is more independent and less whiny about it.
Anyway, since they were just here at Thanksgiving I believe they will not be interested in paying to come torture us this Christmas. I hope to see a lot less of them now that they have to chose to be here AND pay their own way.
Wow!
Your story could be my story, as well with some differences. The bottom line is OSS and his wife have shown nothing but disrespect and rudeness toward my DH and I. They were invited for Tgiving, everyone responded but them. I told DH if he wants them at our house going forward, he sends them the invite. I'm done trying. There's so much freedom in letting go, isn't there? There so much beauty in the world. Why let people who are undeserving of us cause us to feel badly? Have a Merry Christmas.
I have never been one to care what someone wants as a gift.
For me it is about giving them what I want them to have. This has also been how my wife does it. Gift shopping is a constant thing. When we see the perfect gift for someone we buy it and then give it to them on the appropriate occassion. For my family it is always appreciated and we all enjoy the gifting, the opening and the meaning behind the gift. For my IL clan it sadly often ends in heart break for my bride. She invests her heart and soul in the selection and presentation of every gift. My ILs are so clueless that more often than not they give some snide comment which just guts my wife who then mourns the whole thing for far too long.