Respect! Plain and Simple
I have been reading these posts, including mine, and they all seem to have the same theme. Stepchildren and biochildren that seem to thing they can treat us like trash.
No one, let me repeat, no one should be abused, ignored, or have these children eventhough they are adults for any reason.
We owe them NOTHING! The Bible has the 10 commandments. One clearly states honor thy father and thy mother. There is no 11th commandment that says that we should give them anything, take abuse, etc. It has to do with common decency. Something that is sadly lacking in today's world.
The SD I deal with has been watching too many of those financial advertisements about how parents need to save a bundle to leave to their children. I say BULL. Some folk are fortunate enough to be able to do that, but many are on fixed incomes and have it tough in making it through the average 20 "/- years of retirement.
Do not tolerate anyone that does not respect you, family, stepfamily, etc. It is abuse and no one deserves to be abused.
My problem SD knows that I have her number and don't want her around. Her father is very aware of that and the reasons why, which he agrees with when he can cough it out, if you know what I mean.
When he tries to put me together with her, I always tell him that she scares the begesus out of me (which she does). His response is that he doesn't know why, what has she done. When I tell him an instance, his response is that "well, that is in the past". I now tell him, quite clearly, that what one experiences from one is the past is exactly what they will do to you in the present and future. They don't change their stripes.
We owe them NOTHING! The
Funny that you say that. Years ago, SD, prompted by BM, wrote DH a scathing letter about his so-called "abandonment" of the family (by meeting me 5 years after their divorce). This letter arrived after SD had not spoken to DH for months but still needed money for cheerleading camp, electronics, etc. SD, at the ripe old age of 15, also demanded that DH accept Jesus as his savior and bring God into his life. DH responded with, "But wait. . . aren't you familiar with the 10 commandments? What happened to honoring your father? What about your behavior?"
The backlash to DH's non-puppet non-groveling response was the skids did not speak to him for a period that started with Thanksgiving and went through Christmas and father's day (eg. ZERO respect. In fact 100+% disrespect). In fact, BM packed them up and they drove WAY out of town that Christmas. I laughed as I imagined all of them wicking their widdle wounds.
Life is too short!
They absolutely do not change their stripes.
Your DH's response sounds
Your DH's response sounds nearly identical to mine. My DH does have moments of clarity where he tells me exactly how problematic they are but he loves them unconditionally and those moments of clairity seem to completely disappear, especially if alcohol is involved. They stress him out and his likelyhood to self-medicate increases. Unfortunately as much as it sooths in the moment it doesn't help him manage the situation in the long-term.
How long have you been
How long have you been together? My DH had moments of clarity that grew into hours, then days, then months. He still occasionally relapses, but the relapses don't last very long and don't involve him turning things around so that I'm the problem, which he tried to do at times (nothing is more maddening).
If you saw him when we were first married and then saw him today--well, it's like two different people/fathers. But it took a really long time. We've been together 20 years.
We have been married 11 years
We have been married 11 years. There has been a lot of growth but considering how severe his ex's problems were and how she involved the kids in all of her unhappiness it's no wonder that things have improved in micro steps.
He wants to know
why she scares you and when you tell him he says that's in the past. Of course it's in the past! Where else would your example of her behavior come from? The future? This guy is a classic gaslighter!
Yes he tries to gaslight,
Yes he tries to gaslight, especially about her. I don't buy it and he knows it. I just let if fall on deaf ears and do my own thing. DO NOTE. I have always given him te opportunity to go visit her, etc, but he never takes me up on it. Why yu ask? Because basically he doesn't like her either. He lover he becaues she is his daughter, but like, that's another issue.
It is interesting that when I call him on this BS he alays chnges around what he originally said, never said that, etc. He KNOWS I have his number on this and don't play his game. I call it what it is when he does it, gaslighting, changing his words when he gets caught. etc. He can get angry all he wants when I call him on the BS, I don't waiver.
In all honesty, if he had done something like that to me when we were dating, I would never have married him.
I have realized
that in addition to my DH loving his Diablas he also gets an ego boost from regarding them as upstanding, successful, interesting etc ... in his mind's eye.
I find them to be flat, boring, humor-less, manipulative, rude and annoying, much the same as BM. In light of this, no amount of "success" by typical standards is impressive to me. I don't find it all that impressive that they graduated from college (paid for by daddy) or that OSD has had a couple of ok jobs to be all that impressive. You would think they had won a nobel peace prize by the way he sometimes gloats about them.
Standing your ground, not
Standing your ground, not wavering, and being the logical, sensible person in the couple is absolutely the way to go, especially if/when you can stay unemotional about it.
God, if only half of us/most of us had all of this BS revealed to us when we were dating . . . . DH and I dated for 3 years, but it wasn't until 4 months after our wedding that the nuclear bombs began dropping. Even DH hadn't seen that coming. What a mess.
He knows what she is, self
He knows what she is, self-centered, boreing, stupid (though she thinks she is on par with Elon Musk {only in her mind - she has never gone to college except to take a couse in clown prat falls which she claims THEY insisted she sign up for. As I said, only in her mind})
Even he gets tired of listening to her whine and complain about her Husband, her house, her retirement, her health, her dogs, and the list goes on and on. She is a Debbie Downer with two big D's. She has absolutely NO interest in any one else including her Dad. The only reason she floated around in June and the 2 times since is that she smells death in the water. That means money and things that she wants to get her hands on. Thankfully THAT isn't going to happen.
Christmas is coming. Let me predict it here. She will float around about 2 or 3 days before Christmas and drop off a can of cookies because, she will claim, she has no idea what we would like. H will gush that they are his favorites (he always does but that is not the truth). It has been the same for the 30 years we have been married. Hope she isn't expecting anything because there will be nothing for her here. I also predict THAT will really tee her off, but too bad. I learned why bother wasting time, money and thoughtfulness in finding a nice gift to someone and brood that could give a ratz ass about you.
I can tell you H isn't getting her anything. And that is on his own volition not mine.
And I can also predict that there will be no invite for Christmas dinner etc. That is the day she and her brood (all grown) get together and play with the expensive "toys" and things they got for Christmas. You see, when you spend every dime on yourselves you have no money to buy a gift for anyone else. Learned that quickly with her so I stopped giving them gifts etc.
REMEMBER, when I come back and post about Christmas, you read it here first. As they say, nothing changes when nothing changes, and she is never going to change.
Yes!
Frustrated78, I love that you don't waver! I do not either; I am thoughtful with my communication, meaning I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I DO say it with kindness, love, and respect.
Like your DH, my DH does not like his daughter either. Love, yes. (Is this an obligation as a parent? I am really curious!) My DH has come a long way, in a relatively short amount of time. Sometimes I see a bit of backslide. When I do, I deliver the facts with...you guessed it...kindness, love, and respect! I am very detail oriented and have a great memory. One can not argue with facts and many examples to reinforce those facts. Well...one can! However I am very comfortable restating the facts....
I still shake my head that I had no idea adult children could be so difficult....
Sign me up as one of your facts, facts, and more facts minions!
The facts win every time. Sadly so many on the shallow and polluted shit end of the pool do not have the intellect to realize it. Even then, keep smacking them in the face with the facts in a loving, caring manner.
The "this hurts me more than it hurts you" mantra that these people should have been given just prior to a belt to a manipulative, lying, manipulative ass for plying their bullshit. Unfortunately, their parents failed them. They never got the message or lived the consequences of their actions as children so their proverbial belt to the ass is a face full of juicy facts. At least it should be.
IMHO of course.
I agree, although H sometimes
I agree, although H sometimes tries to "gaslight" me what I know isn't what happened. That doesn't go or get far with me. Usually that has to do with SD's behavior towards us, me. (Actually, if he wants to let her treat him like S*it that's his problem, not mine.) I will not allow anyone to abuse me.
It is also difficult to be around her because one never knows when she is going to go off on something or start crying about her fee-fees. H walks around on egg shells, thus IMHO encourages the behavior, probably since she was a baby. That carp doesn't fly with me, especially when there is no reason or rational for her go off. She is an adult, darn it, and should act like one.
Bio parents do own
There child a good childhood. The child should be housed with AA roof over there head. Good food, the opportunity to have proper meals, rest, sleep to go to school, be in shape to do well in school. To play sports. To take trios what are fun and educational. Thes kids should have the opportunity to grow up to be a good person. Part of this is to learn to respect others and do chores around the house for family good.
As SP we own these kids nothing. We do for them what we want to do. We don't have to support them. We have to show them respect as we show anybody else. In turn the SK should show us respect as and adult. Who is doing for them.
because in actuality. Any SK living with you, you have to do for. That's life
We owe them Nothing. Damn
We owe them Nothing. Damn straight. Try telling that to SD ( turning 30 this month) who has decided to crawl out from under the woodwork and demand I still owe it her ( and her created family) to make things fair to her. Just because she cries that "life isnt fair because now she cant "have" her SM either..whatever that means. Well, thats just too bad, because, guess what? I told her as much that I am no longer feeling obligated to turn myself in knots trying to make life and the world fair and comfortable for her. She forgets that I did expend alot of time, and emotional energy towards trying to compensate by doing just that for her, only to end up feeling like those efforts were in vain for the most part and a waste of effort. Only for her to spit at me that I never accepted her as if I never tried. Yet she wonders why I had come to feel that I owe her nothing now.
Thats why I feel you 100% about why your SD scares you since mine scares me too. I want to say I feel that way just as much when she is trying to be nice, since now she is acting like since we share a last time ( as if we hadnt for 15 years which she spend so much of that time struggling to accept) I owe it to her to allow her to have this claim she made on me now. that seems weirdly possesive. I actually feel that her supposed good intentions are just as something to be wary off as when she was more outwardly disliking me or at least treating me with indifference. I have come to feel is preferrable now since thats actually been some kind of a relief to me, since her being so focused on me is something that I also feel is just creepy .
Yet, now according to her, I am supposed to just forget all of that and "move forward", which I am not interested in doing with her since I can never fully trust her again based on past behaviors as well as those more recent this past year. She can call it holding a grudge all she wants. ITs not even about that, its just Ive seen her for what she is and cant turn back from that. I dont owe that to her either.
It is things she does to
It is things she does to others, as well as me, that scare me as well as things she says which either don't make sense or are threatening for no reason.
Oh GAWWWWWD. I got so icked
Oh GAWWWWWD. I got so icked out thinking about how "it's just in the past." I talk to SKs about their past behavior all the time. Especially with lying. I always say, once you gain a reputation as a liar, you'll always be questioned and looked at as if you are one. It takes forever to repair that, if it ever DOES get repaired. I feel for you!! Prior behavior is often the leading indicator of present and future behavior. Ain't that something.
Yes!
Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior! That is why I remember it and respond accordingly.
Rags Junior
LOL. He sais that all the time.
I am no contact with SD25 Feral Forger and disengaged with SD18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada Our Lady of Intertia.
That means I can focus on other things. Husband understands, and gets a little defensive, but hey, thats his problem.
Once someone gets caught
Once someone gets caught lying that is it. Relationships are based on trust abiet different levels of trust. But someone that lies for absolutely no reason or just to try to make herself sound like she has a brain, is a no go. When you can't trust someone you can't rely on them, believe them or trust them. All that equals stay away from.