Disengaging from SS18 (still in high school) how/when to explain to his grandparents
So, I have inlaws and sisters in law that I care for very much. But I have only recently disengaged completely (with DH complete knowledge, which he seems fine with) from my SS18 who is a senior in HS. My DH's family has no idea of the actual situation with his son, because he has lied to them for years about it. Same story as usual: lazy, games all night, late to school every day, not driving, completely dependent on his parents for everything, disrespectful, entitled, etc. But my DH has told them he is completely self-sufficient and is ready for college, etc. So how do I explain to these people (who think this kid is a perfect angel,) that I will no longer be attending any family event where he is: vacations, holidays, bdays, graduations, etc? I don't think I'm going to be able to hide it. But should I just say nothing and leave the lies/explanations to my DH? From anyone who has completely removed themselves from a steps child's life, please let me know how you handled your SO family and the questions that arose. TIA!
I'd let it go. Certainly don
I'd let it go. Certainly don't tell them that you have disengaged - they'll take it as a declaration of war. Play it by ear, take thing as they come. The chances are he won't be going to many family events - at his age, few people want to hang out with their family.
If they do ask why you're not present, let your husband tell them. He's allowed his son's crappy behaviour, let him tell them what a shite he is. Not your problem.
I agree with Winterglow
Don't mention it. If your DH is ok with it, that's all that's important. As far as attending events, I'd take that on an event-by-event basis, you might choose to go to some with DH, others, not.
I disengaged from YSS, now 57, without saying anything to DH. He was living with us and I just stopped doing anything for him specifically tho I still did laundry and cooked for the entire family which included YSS. Looking back, I realize DH and,YSS were probably relieved. DH wanted to parent YSS in a certain way, permissive, loving, blind to any red flags, and I just couldnt stand it.
Flash forward and YSS is 54, father to 3 girls, successful salesman. He still shows poor financial judgment (imo), still passive aggressively resistant to authority, still puts enormous value on relationships at the expense of reality. Whatever, he's just different from me and nothing I could have done would have changed him.
It is what it is. But, don't bring your SS up with your inlaws and answer vaguely if they ask. No need to introduce any dissension.
Don't. Spray it, don't say it
Don't. Spray it, don't say it. Meaning just do it. Although, you live with him (I assume) at least part of the time, but you won't go to, say, your in-laws' for Christmas? If this would require travel, i get it. Nobody wants to travel with someone they don't like, but what about things in town? Can your DH leave him at home? As someone said, kids that age usually don't care about things like that as much as adults. If you really do get along great with your in-laws, are you letting him chase you away?
But back to what to say. Less is more. "I wasn't feeling like going out." Is better than "SS is a POS, his dad has been lying to you for years!" They might not believe it if it's truly been hidden from them. I would focus on getting him the hell out of YOUR house.
How? With the facts. All of
How? With the facts. All of them. Outline the long and distingquised tardy career, etc. Tell them all that you do not pollute your life or waste your time interfacing with people like SS.
When? Now is too late. Don't waste any more time catering to this dog of a kid and failure of a dad.
Hopefully your ILs will sit their own son down for a grilling on why he has been lying about their GK this and polishing this turd the whole time.
My parents would have had my ass if we had been in this situation. Even as an adult.
If DH can lie about SS, he
If DH can lie about SS, he can most certainly lie about you too.
I do think that it's overdue for the truth to come out about SS. Maybe with you disengaged, it will leave a huge gaping space for the truth to fill. Maybe SS will bare his dumba$$ all by himself. Who knows what will happen but you can count on one thing to happen: change. I disengaged with the in-laws for a few years. It changed things.
Don’t say anything.
DH's DS. Let him explain why DS is missing.. That video games are more important. And DS is doing the important thing. Playing games. Perpairing himself for the future