Is it me
I'll try and explain. I'm the partner of a single mum who has two children, a boy and a girl. The girl, apart from teenage tantrums, is mostly fine. Her son probably has a touch of ADHD but getting diagnoses here in the UK is notoriously difficult.
Last year I said to her that if we were still together this September then if she agreed, I should move in. I've now changed my mind and have decided it would be better for me to carry on living at my own home. There are several things that have made my mind up:-
a) A couple of weeks ago she said 'My house, my rules' when I didn't do exactly as she asked when preparing dinner. This is not something I think I can endure. I'm a peace loving man and this will cause me to lose my sanity
b) She and her daughter stayed at mine for a week last week and she began moaning, and, as she put it she said she was moaning for the sake of moaning. Is this something I could put up with permanently? I'm not so sure.
c) A spider in the corner of my living room caught a fly and started eating it and she burst into tears as she hated death. WTF?!
d) Sometimes she will call me by her ex-fianceé's name. After 3 years!
I do sometimes wonder if it's me and I should be more tolerable but the more I think about it the more I think moving in with her is a bad idea.
Stay where you are
The kids don't seem too bad but steplife is so tough, you shouldn't go into it if you have any hesitations. Just keep dating her.
Yeah...
Stay living separately.
a) I guess it depends on
a) I guess it depends on what she was talking about when she said "my house, my rules" but it seems like it's an indication that she is going to be unflexible.. and it will be a case of you having to compromise and assimilate into her home.. and she won't be open to your ideas.
b. Moaning for the sake of moaning.. I am taking she was complaining.. maybe about small things.. or just venting minor frustrations.. I think you could expect her to feel it's safe to whine a little bit.. but if this is a constant thing.. and draining you..then you need to think about how to address it with her (assuming this is your GF.. not the daughter.. if it's the daughter.. she can be told to go to "her" room and not inflict her bad mood on the household). I think you owe your GF a bit more grace in letting her let off some emotional steam. but not at the total expense of your peace.
c) She's sensitive.. are you just noticing this? it probably means you better be careful what movies you watch with her..lol.
d) when does she call you by her Ex's name.. and is he the father of the kids and do you think she still has a thing for him? Is it when she is frustrated or angry at you.. that's when MY dh has called me his Ex'es name.. kind of a trauma reflex when he has been mad at me.
I think you need to keep dating personally.. but keep a thought as to whether she is really a good fit for you .. personality and habits.
For me I would look for the
For me I would look for the following
Does she discipline the kids where needed, if they are acting up does she allow them to get away with it?
Does she have normal rules and boundaries for the kids or do they do whatever they want
Does she spoil them
Are they ever told no
Are they polite /taught to have manners
Also... My house my rules... Thats not really cool because it you were to move in how would this work? As the other adult in the home you should have input on things that affect you..
Wait some more time to move
Wait some more time to move in together. Observe the children carefully. Observe her as a mother carefully. Read as much steptalk blogs and forums as you can and then make a decision. Step life is very difficult and mostly when you are not allowed and aligned with the children's discipline... be smart... if not go find a single woman with no baggage and attachments that aligns better.
Are you helping paying the house bill’s ?
Rent , mortgage, taxes, food . Electric gas. Insurance. Or not ? If I am paying the bills then it's not her house her rules . Personally I could not live like that. Rules are or must be jointed made and modified when needed.
Smart man. Those who ignore
Smart man. Those who ignore red flags (I'm raising my hand) suffer for it later.
People who already did it
Saw the results. Are telling you be careful. Don't jump in feet first. Take it really slow. Or simply GTFO.
But like all of us you know better. 10 years from now you will be telling someone. NO,
Yes it is you. But not for the reasons you may think.
It is you because you tolerate this pathetic crap. Stop that.
Your life, your rules. If you live there, it is your rules and not just hers. She can parent to your standards and hold her failed family spawn to your behavioral requirements. If she does not like that, she can step up and get it done before you have to. Know this, she is a failed partner and a failed parent for whatever reason though by all indicators the reason is... her.
The red flags in all of this would fill the need for a Communist Party parade in China.
Get on with your life. Know your worth, know that living your best life is the best gift you can give to yourself. These failed family refugees are not a part of you living your best life.
Re-read your original post from the perspective looking to provide advice to the person asking. Then do what you would advise.
Not only do not move in with her, end it. Now. For your own good. To stay will be to live your life as a constant sacrifice on the altar of sparental martyrdom to this failed person and their moaning life of misery. If you are looking for a get out of jail easy method. Binge watch Animal Planet shows on predators.
Be good to you. Get on with living well.
Good luck.
All IMHO of course.