SD's ambushing DH at lunch over college plans
Dh wanted to meet in person with SD18, who he has not seen for 6 months. DH calls SD every night to ask about her day, etc, and lately, SD has been avoiding his calls. We found out why when we realized she knew her mom was planning to send attorney paperwork to DH regarding her college funding, without ever asking him about it once.
So DH makes sure SD doesn't weasel her way out of lunch with him that they planned on, where he wants to address "her future plans and how he can help." SD shows up with her 20 year old sister in tow. SD20 has always fought her battles for her, and when they gang up on DH, its always been traumatic. If they aren't screaming at him blaming him for everything, then they are bickering amongst themselves over tiny things.
This time SD20 lit into DH for "being in a manic episode." (DH has had bipolar for years, and is on medication for it. He does very well at controlling it.) DH asks her why she thinks that. She says he is "too happy" and "has lost a bunch of weight." DH says "You haven't seen me in months, but I've sent you pictures of me as l was losing weight on my low salt diet after my heart attack. I do it for my health, not for aesthetics. I am happy. I am handling my stress much better now."
SD20 refused to accept this and kept accusing him of being delusional. He finally said "You can think whatever you want, I told you the truth, and I refuse to waste any more of your sister's time here on this." He then changed the topic and tried to let SD18 know that he didn't mind helping her with college, but he wanted to make sure that the money went to her directly, instead of BM. SD said "Well, Mom handles all my finances, so what's the big deal?"
Amazingly, DH kept a straight face while explaining to her for the hundredth time that she needs to start handling her own affairs as she is an adult and this stuff is important for her to learn. He also said he trusts SD but not BM to make sure the money gets spent accordingly.
I was floored when I heard how this went down. What was supposed to be a nice lunch between father and daughter turned into an ambush of blame-shifting and denial of responsibility for herself. I am glad DH is handling things and not letting himself be taken advantage of, but...WOW! If my kids treated me this way I'd think about moving to an island far away and losing their number.
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What a Bish!
I dislike these SDs, just from what youve posted.
Fortunately, Husbands daughters have never ever been very ambitious when it comes to schooling, so this has never and will never be an issue, which is too bad (for them).
Did you DH help his older
Did you DH help his older daughters with college? Because I can't imagine he'd want to do more for one than the other(s). That might cause resentment and in fighting as well as offer ammo for the toxic coven to use against him in future.
Nope, don't move away. Make
Nope, don't move away. Make sure the skids get Shanghaied on a slow boat to the ends of the earth where they will be worked as menial laborers until they learn decency.
Then, they can figure out how to get back.
Hopefully that is a very long process if they have not learned some reasonbleness and decency.
Nope
No, the older SD's didn't want to go to college. They lack ambition. I don't pay anything for them. This is coming out of his check, but of course it affects me too.
If daddy is paying, so are
If daddy is paying, so are you. Out of marital resources.
Mmmmm...not necessarily. Mr
Mmmmm...not necessarily. Mr Aniki and I have separate finances. He helped fund SD28's college, but that never affected him pay half of our household bills. Nor did it affect him buying me a little something every now and again.
I suppose my parents doomed
I suppose my parents doomed me to the perspective that any income brought by either mate is marital income. So if anything is spent, it is spent from marital income.
I get that there are other perspectives.
I'm glad you have a perspective that works for you.
You're looking at it from an
You're looking at it from an intact family point of view. Our reality was that he had financial obligations that should not affect my income. Example: He never expected me to pay a dime towards SD28's wedding because she is not my daughter. It is what it is.
I do undertand what you are clearly stating.
Though I think of it as more a marital condition thing and not solely an intact family thing. If married, even when one has prior relationship kids and an active CO with CS, etc.... The income and resources are marital. One Cent above what is COd is a joint decision. I had no problem with our marital income occassionally being used to benefit the SpermClan. When they had played poor mouth to the point it had been a year since they excercised a visitation, I advised DW that we pay their half of visitation travel to make sure that SS did see them. I had no issue with that. Interestingly, when the Judge would apply an income reduction credit to the Spermidiot's income to lower his max CS obligation due to "The StepDad makes a notable income and BioDad should not have to pay for an artificial standard of living for the child." I would just about blow a gasket. That POS benefiting one Cent from my income was enough to proverbially piss off the Pope. If it is on my terms or agreed terms between DW and me? Fine. If not, not fine. Even when the max income reduction credit of -$1000/mo only reduced CS by a max of $50/mo. Grrrrr. That an idiot in a stupid Harry Potter robe slinging a Fisher-Price wooden toddlers hammer can say in one breath "Sparents are not a party to the case" and in a later breath rule that the dumb ass serial statutory rapist breeder gets a benefit from the SParents income.... infuriating beyond belief. The Judge got a very frightened look on his idiot face at my reaction to that bullshit. He gave the Balif a panicked look and the Balif stepped closer to the Judge at that point. Though I was nowhere near the Bench and on the other side of the rail in the spectator area. I thhink that my "Are you fucking kidding me!" comment disturbed the bottom 10%er of the legal profession robed moron. Of course the same robed dipshit had no reaction when SpermGrandDad made a similar comment when CS was raised from $110/mo to $133/mo.
Once the Skid ages out from under the CO, any expenditure at all is a marital discussion and decision. In my mind anyway.
Not from a control freak perspective, but from a prioritization of the marriage and the partners perspective.
I would have no issue if DW made a spend choice without discussing it with me first. Because of the trust we have built together. Though paying for a Skid wedding, college, etc, etc, etc... would not happen without prior discussion and .... most importantly.... agreement. The same would be the case in paying for those things for a joint BK. That said, I would have no issue paying for these things for a Skid out of marital resources ... if justified by Skid behavior.
IMHO, no one can be all in on a marriage if both parties are not all in. Baggage or no baggage. Beyond the legal requirements of a CO, the baggage is irrelevant.
In my black and white no grey world.
*pardon*
an idiot in a stupid Harry
100%
And here come another 100%
And here come another 100% from me, Lilly and Rags. I happily contributed mucho dinero to my stepson's wedding costs. He's treated me like a queen from the time he was a teenager; often with greater love and respect than I enjoyed from my own 3 bios.
I love him dearly, and you can bet that his inheritance matches that of my 3 biological children. You reap what you sow.
My Skid... gets it all!!!!
My Skid... gets it all!!!! After his mom checks out anyway. SHe gets it all once I am gone. Or I do if heaven forbid she goes first. Regardless, he gets what is left of what his mom and I have and whatever I end up with from my parent's estate which is split equally between my brother and me in their Will.
I love that your SS honors you and loves you. That.. is pretty much as good as it gets for SParents.
This is how I see it too.
This is how I see it too.
Like the time I lost my sh*t on my ex dude for spending allegedly $20 on his exwife for Mother's Day 3 years ago.
In my mind that's $20 that could have been spent with on household expenses, towards my MD gift, or donated to a worthy cause....
I would have rather seen him throw $20 of ones out the window while driving on the highway
Unless a couple has a prenup/lives separately/file separate tax returns then think the whole "his acct, her acct, and our account" is an illusion because at the end of the day of ya live together and file taxes together then every financial decision each person makes impacts the relationship
But "to each their own"! Do what makes sense for you/your relationship
DH and I kept our finances
DH and I kept our finances separate due to his $$$ child support. We also filed separate tax returns. While not for everyone, it works for us. *unknw*
I applaud DH for managing
I applaud DH for managing them instead of bowing to them.
Time to say no to any financial support other than exactly how you and DH say it will be provided and what it is used for. I suggest not even giving a penny to SD. Pay only directly to the unversity for tuition, fees, room, board. If SD chooses to not live or eat on campus, she can figure out how to pay for it.
Time to say no to any
I don't like your SDs, either. It makes me sick how so many of these skids talk to their parents (errr...I mean one parent) as if they are their peers and with such disrespect. Yep...if DH is paying anything, he should send money directly to the school.
Signed contract
With complete access to school portal or ZERO funds from disrespected dad.
I agree
I agree with all of you. I'm done with SD's for good. DH is on his last nerve with them. At least he is not letting them run the conversation anymore. He will stand up for himself. Its progress.