I posted here a while back stating most of these parents were just looking for someone to help with the bills, cooking and cleaning. I have yet to be proven wrong. That's why I steer clear of people with kids unless their kids are well adjusted adults. Someone who has grown kids who have their lives together is a non issue.

""They aren't looking for love, they're looking for help."  That's all I have ever seen.  

I do believe it happens.. sometimes with more mal intent than other times.

But.. personally.. no.. I don't feel used.. though.. like everyone.. we alll can feel taken for granted at times.. and certainly children are not always the most appreciative and tbh.. they should have the expectation that their needs are provided for as minors.. whether their bio parent does it.. or you in proxy.. it takes some intentional pointing out and educating that the step parent is not obligated in the same way a bio parent is.

Sure.. I think especially some men.. are looking to replace the partner in parenting they lost in the split.. and may lean towards looking for a partner that is suited to that in their mind.. and many reluctant stepparents played up the roll when dating.. and then get upset when it becomes unappreciated.

I will say there are also always losers and users in the world.. and in step life.. we get our share.. and I think that sometimes we ignore red flags... and don't think through things well.. and we can get stuck.

My 2nd husband was FOR SURE using me financially and for status. Being married to me made him seem like the healthy one after his divorce. Whereas his first wife was a terrible alcoholic - something he played up a lot to make himself look better. Nevermind that he is an abusive covert narcissist and 30 years of abuse contributed to her addiction.

I am sure my first husband was using me, too. He was lonely. 25 and never had a girlfriend when we met. We built a life, but he used to view me in terms of his ROI (return on investment). He was pretty bitter about me gaining weight after we married and had children. He feld "duped."

I'm nearly 3 for 3 by choosing the latest partner in my life (4.5 years). I seem to be wildly attracted to emotionally unavailable men for whatever the reason. I think it must be lingering daddy issues. *snort*

My latest partner seems to want a companion, travel buddy and lover despite me voicing over the years that I wanted to build a life together in a committed relationship.

It looks like things are winding down for us because he hasn't been clear about what he wants but has dragged his feet on a commitment. There are other issues, too, but I sometimes feel like I'm being used and no man is really considering how I feel or what I need.

Sometimes I feel like it can be intentional and DHs use it knowingly to their advantage. Wanting a double income, expecting  free babysitting, etc. 

I feel like when I met DH he was totally overwhelmed with SD (5 y/o at the time). She really struggled in school and I am a teacher, so I honestly think part of him was just looking for "help" not necessarily JUST looking for someone to date. Expectations have changed throughout our dating/marriage and I don't feel taken advantage of now anyway. 

They are never wrong.  There the ones who got into bad marriages. Has kids. Divorce,  THEN. gives you crap like the kids didn't ask to be born.  Wright,, you did that .  That expect SP to care and take care of there kids more then BF does.

That when they  were first dating. They spend the days night parting going. On vacation  having a good time by themselves.. now thee are kids .you don't get this fun 

Its been my life story for the past 10years. I was always on the fence about the intentions but in 2021 I stopped paying the bills and my husband started saying things like I am useless and dont bring anything to his life

I believe that he pretended to be into me for free labor, child care and help with bills....I was in my 20s....Its been 10years and I realized how gullible and inconscious I was

I woke up too late

As soon as i stopped doing all the 'wifey / motherly' things and stopped doing everything else for him and his kid,, I apparently abandoned him !!  Um no ,, i just stopped doing all his responsibilities and put my own wants and needs first which after almost 10yrs had never been taken into account even once! and I was the selfish one apparently.  They both lived in my house rent free for over 5 yrs whilst daddy put all his money into his own property ,,which btw was rented for cash that he was happily collecting the whole time. He earnt double what i did.   Me being the nice and supportive woman that I am , would always convince myself to look at the bigger picture that when we did get married , all the money and assests would go into the 'pool' and become joint assests ,,, well we never got married , I just got shafted.     So i felt used the whole time and now that im over 3yrs out of that relationship ,, i cringe looking back on what i accepted / tolerated from this person.   

I'm very familiar with the feeling of being used: for status (I have a respectable job), income, free lodging, free maid/therapist/regular sex with no effort to impress etc... This is the first relationship where the man isn't just my equal, but in many ways - head and shoulders above me. I say this in the most  positive way: he inspires me with his kindness, generosity and the drive to do the right thing no matter what. And I see that in him across environments and interactions, not just with me. His siblings share childhood stories that tell me these traits were there since he was little, so I'm certain they're not for show. 
 

On occasion I offer fun things for all of us (hikes, camping, lunch), which they accept, but largely he is and has always been the only caregiver, never even expecting me to do any cooking/cleaning/pickups or even attending their sports events. 
 

We don't live together due to the kids' behaviours, and my BF has been very clear that getting them under control is his first priority, because our relationship wouldn't survive very long otherwise. We have regular weekends without kids, who get looked after grandparents. 
 

I think he is also coming to terms with the idea that he has been used by his late wife. She had a terminal illness that has life expectancy of 30, and on very rare occasions - a few more years. She was a good talker and able to present herself as a medical professional (she wasn't) and convinced him that she'd basically live forever, and got him to pay for IVF (her genetic disorder results in infertility for a good reason- it can be easily passed on and is horrific) to produce two kids on borrowed time already.

 She also convinced him that all severe mental and other genetic disorders resulting in severe mental radiation in her immediate family (and carried by her also) will be easily picked up by prenatal testing, which was utter rubbish.  
 

Of course birth for both kids was precarious - they nearly suffocated and their vitals briefly dropped, and of course they were both difficult babies impossible to soothe. AFAIK no tests were done for perinatal hypoxia that could explain (at least partially) their disordered behaviours: aggression, inability to focus, meltdowns and tantrums even in their tweens now. 
 

Of course she couldn't look after the infants in any shape or form- she moved the BF and the babies out into another room so that their cries and night feeds don't interfere with her rest and treatments she had to adhere to while slowly dying on them all. She didn't work after ensnaring him (he was a good nurse and a purse in her eyes), while he still worked full time in a demanding role in a corporate job, doing all the feeding/rocking/nappy changing etc. She, on the other hand, got to experience motherhood before she kicked the bucket while the kids were still toddlers. 
 

Anyway, I'm glad to report that since my initial desperate post, a lot of good things happened- the kids are in the process of getting their diagnoses confirmed (ASD, ADHD and ODD) and have been responding well to medications. A lot of these behaviours have subsided quite a bit, but we're still on the way to their optimal functioning. At least they're intellectually in a gifted range, in the class for smart kids, so once they're medicated and calm, you can reason very well with them. 
 

My boyfriend has taken any and all of my concerns on board and has been incredibly responsive, making things happen straight away. I'm very hopeful about our relationship, including that with kids. They've grown quite affectionate towards me, and love having little chats with me about more emotional things than they would not with their father. I was angry with their mother that put so many people (including extended family) in such a crap situation basically for life out of selfish reasons to pass on her rotten genes. Luckily, she's dead and buried and can't wreak havoc anymore.

It happens, with men and with women but there are also the good ones and it's important to judge each seperately. It's also important to know your own red flag warnings. I often suggest fixing yourself before you move into a new relationship. Know who you are, what you can handle and where your own personal line is. It won't be the same as (for example) mine. But knowing yourself  is not given the weight it should have. No man (or woman) will fix your life anymore than you will fix theirs, know who you are before you try to figure out who they are. 

You are being used.   

Users fail.  The key is to be long gone before they drag you down the shitter with them.

My CW certified.  She was a serial adulterous whore.  The last update I heard, 10+ year ago, she was on DH #3 with three all out of wedlock children two of them cheat babies she got knocked up with while married to someone other than the SpermDaddy donator.

She was sued along with her family by the business ownner my XMIL embezzled millions from and had to pay the owner $Hiundreds of thousands as her share of the payback.

Amd... she flunked out of Grad school because I was not there to write her papers.  I wrote every one assigned for the last 3yrs of her undergrad.

I am pretty sure bio mom was using her former husband (not the kids dad) for free babysitting and an atm. When he left her she smeared him with false stalking accusations and tried to involve others in the smear campaign. We blocked her on social media and whenever we talk to her it is only about the kids, nothing more. Her ex seemed like a decent guy who had just had enough of the using and abuse from her and her kids. A lot of these people are users.