Trying to let go
Hello,
I've made a couple of other posts in the past with my difficulties with dating a man with 3 daughters under the age of nine. Things haven't really ever gotten better and I've made several attempts to break up with him -- but I usually end up going back and things are good for a while until they aren't. A story as old as time haha.
I'm just wanting to vent again and try to strengthen my resolve to stay gone this time. I think the holidays approaching are making some of us take a step back and realize what we really got ourselves in to.
The catalyst for me was him taking his kids over to his mother's for a Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday, since he and I worked the holiday. His mother and I don't get along at all. He has decided that it's better we aren't in the same room, and that leaves me alone all night without getting the chance to see him or his children. I have very limited time to interact with them compared to everyone else in their lives because I work so much and live alone. They see their grandmother all the time, as she is their free daycare sitter. I'm not saying I'm right about the situation, I'm just resentful.
I believe my BF's mother is an enabler and I think that's why he defends her over me. When my BF was doing better he wanted as little to do with her as possible, and slowly it's changed where he's back to sucking up to her, because of his depression, alcoholism, and poor financial situation. Which his mother doesn't help him with, by the way, it's just she doesn't challenge him on getting shit done like I do.
At least that's been how I feel like it is. I'm not allowed to be around when she is.
My BF is still not divorced from his wife. It's been over two years of them being officially separated, and I had told him six months ago that if he wasn't divorced by the time 2024 rolled around that I was going to have to tap out.
While I'm not surprised that here we are and it's almost December and he's never even brought up the subject to his wife, I am still extremely upset. Overall I feel confident in saying I've been a good girlfriend and a good influence on his kids. I feel bad that they are once again going to be disappointed by people they had grown to trust.
His wife has a 21-year-old boyfriend living with her and a six-month-old with this kid. The last I heard, she needed papers signed for the state to legally recognize their baby as the 21-year-old's, not my BF's. I've asked him what is happening with that, and he has no idea. I'm just astounded. I don't understand this woman's lack of initiative, or my BF's. I'm giving her boyfriend a pass because I don't know that I would have the knowledge or confidence to push for what's right at that age, either.
I feel like I've wasted so much time when I don't have much left if I want my own family. I don't think my BF is a bad man and I really did see us building a life together and making all this craziness work. I had hoped he cared more to fight for us, since I think we would have done well for each other and his children. I know I'll get over seeing his kids eventually, but I do worry about them. I'm never dating a single father again.
Anyway, I'm grateful for this community, it's kept me sane. Any words of advice or opinions are appreciated.
Do not fall victim to the
Do not fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy. That just because you have put so much time and effort into this "decision".. that you shouldn't walk away. If you continue to pour your efforts into this leaky boat.. you will end up sunk.
Here are the reasons why you should cut your losses NOW and move on. Yeah.. holidays "alone" may seem daunting.. but it could also be an opportunity to get out and experience things yourself!
1. His mom hates you. Look.. that is a hard hurdle to overcome. It is to the point where he doesn't want you in the same room? That is unworkable to me. He will want to have his mom.. the grandmother of his kids involved in his and their lives.. that leaves you "out".. and he isn't working or figuring out how to make things work out with you and his mom. He relies on his mom to help him with his kids.. so.. sadly.. this makes the relationship a "NO".
2. He has not made any moves towards divorce. Your line in the sand is just over 30 days away.. he isn't going to make it is he? I mean it would be one thing if he had filed but it wouldnt' be finalized till march.. but he hasn't made that effort.. something that he knows is important to you.. so.. again.. this makes NOW the time to cut it off.
3. He has not fixed his custody order situation.. again.. he has a lawyer.. ignores the advice.. is he stupid?
4. Three kids under 10? yeah.. that's a red flag.. he is very tied to his EX over that.. and honestly.. he needs to put his efforts into raising his kids.. not dating.
I know it's tough to walk away.. I'm sure that you are imagining how things COULD be.. but the reality is that they are NOT that way.. and WON'T be that way.. so please if you want a chance to have a family of your own? get out and stay out of this guy's life.
What to do with the holiday season?
1. Check for volunteer opportunities over the holidays.
2. Look for local markets and festivals.. parades etc
3. get a list of movies or books you have been curious about seeing.. reading.. but hadn't because HE didn't like that.
4. Buy yourself a solo experience.. trip.. cruise.. all inclusive vaca..
And this..." his depression,
And this..." his depression, alcoholism, and poor financial situation."
Not red flags, screaming red banner I'd say.
OP he's not ready for a relationship.
Yes.. absolutely... even if
Yes.. absolutely... even if you think you have "fixed" him.. and should get to "keep what you fixed".. just don't.. lol.
I have a bad habit of finding
I have a bad habit of finding fixer-uppers lol. But the older I get the more I'm understanding that's just not how it works with people. If he's not willing to do this stuff for the good of his kids I don't see why he would do it for anyone else. I don't get it but I can't change him. Thank you!
I certainly had my rescue
I certainly had my rescue project phase.
Fortunately I got past it.
Add to that the arrival of a
Add to that the arrival of a new baby. His wife isn't doing the necessary for her bf to be recognised as the father because, in the eyes of the law, your bf is legally the father and she probably figures that when she goes after CS she'll get more out of your bf than a 21yo. I'd be very suspicious as to why he's not interested in getting divorced.
I am also very suspicious lol
I am also very suspicious lol. My counselor actually suggested a similar motivation as to why she's not taking the initiative on any of this either. I've been baffled as to her lack of it, the same as his. I would be pounding on my ex's door to get all this done if I was her. Thank you for your input.
I agree. The more I've gotten
I agree. The more I've gotten in to it the crazier it's all become. And it's not getting better, no matter how I've tried to approach these issues with him.
Thank you for your advice. It
Thank you for your advice. It's been a rough few weeks for me but I'm trying to remember all these points and follow my instincts. I probably knew this relationship wasn't going to work out long-term four or five months in to it but I could probably say that about all my failed relationships haha. I was just hoping it would all work out and he seemed a lot different and more motivated when he was more recently out of his marriage, oddly enough. I appreciate you commenting on this and a previous post of mine, it's been really helpful.
he's still technically
he's still technically married, so you really dated a separated guy not a single father. also he's an alcoholic, dealing with depression.... your list is long. The whole point of getting to know someone is to find out if they're right for you. Sometimes you discover the answer is no, they're not. Coming to that conclusion doesn't mean that you think they're a terrible person or you didn't find anything good in them. It just means they're not right for YOU. And that definitely sounds like what you discovered. There's no need to feel guilty for realizing that. It's better for everyone to move on and give you both a chance to find the person who is right.
I appreciate you saying that
I appreciate you saying that a lot, I think that's a healthy way to look at it. I've been very depressed looking at it as having wasted two years of my life when I could have been building a family with someone else, and maybe that's true or not, but I can't do anything about it now either way. I think for me it's been really hard trying to sever this because I don't think he's a bad man at all, and I have dated those, so I kept hanging on thinking things would click for him. I wish he would get healthy and focus on his own issues for himself and his kids, but I don't see that ever happening at this point. Thank you for your advice.
You've left before. What
You've left before. What attracts you back to him? I'd be investigating those emotions to see how you can overcome that hurdle. It's darn hard, but it sounds like you know leaving is the best thing for you. What do you need to stay gone?
I think what has made this
I think what has made this one particularly hard to separate from is there's a lot there that I thought would make the relationship work. Apart from personally enjoying his company (apart from the fights of course), he's a good worker and has provided a lot of things emotionally I haven't experienced in previous relationships. And I had thought at one time he was serious about making a family with me eventually, but now I think he just has said that because I always made it clear pretty early on that I was out if that wasn't something he wanted with another woman ever again.
It sucks but this hasn't been the first time a man has lied to me lol. Thank you for your input.
That's ok, he's your step-up
That's ok, he's your step-up relationship. Use the knowledge of what you liked in this relationship, along with what worked for you in any previous relationships, and add all of this to your non-negotiable standards list for when you're going into a new relationship.
Also, I'd say next time you meet someone new, keep your cards close to your heart, be wishy-washy, and find out first what the man wants. He can lie, of course, but at least you'll know that if he utters anything like: "I'm just here to see where it goes", or "I'm up for anything - casual, permanent, friends with benefits" and similar such f*ckboy rubbish, it's a hard pass for you.
When it comes to guys who
When it comes to guys who aren't right for us... I think we've all been guilty of trying to cram the square peg into a round hole. I promise as time goes by you'll soon see more clearly just how square this guy is and how he DEFINITELY would not have fit into your life. It's hard to see that now, I know, but it always gets easier when we are looking back.
Your BF may not be a "bad" man but he's stuck like a tire in the mud and no amount of strength on your part is going to pry him loose. He's not moving forward with his divorce/building a new life for himself. He's wallowing in alcohol and self-pity and he's using his mother as a crutch to keep him right where he's at. I hate to say it but at this point he has no plans of going anywhere. He's comfortable right where he's at and is just looking for a little something (someone) extra to keep him company. Dont be that person.
Life is short, don't waste anymore time on this guy. Maybe someday he will will himself out of the mud (or not) but it could be years/decades down the line.
You're completely right on
You're completely right on everything. He's comfortable where he's at, which is nuts to me, but that's the truth for him. I feel like we usually know this stuff about partners but feelings get involved and then it just makes you stupid. At least that's been usually how it goes for me. It's been helpful to write all this out and really hear and see for myself how crazy this is from objective parties like my counselor and you guys. Thank you for your feedback.
I haven't read the other
I haven't read the other replies so please forgive me if I repeat someone else's thoughts.
you said this:
My BF is still not divorced from his wife. It's been over two years of them being officially separated, and I had told him six months ago that if he wasn't divorced by the time 2024 rolled around that I was going to have to tap out.
so I ask you these questions:
1. where will you be in five years? if you're with him, and it looks like the pattern is you will be, what will have really changed?
2. what do you see in him? what goodness and joy does he bring to your life?
3. are you staying with him because life is scary when you're back to square one and looking for the right partner to fit with you?
I do think I'm scared to be
I do think I'm scared to be alone at this point. I had some serious health problems come up while dating him which has changed my perspective on living alone. Having said that, I think I would still prefer to try to make it on my own than endure any more of this disrespect. I'm also really burned out on dating in general, so that's probably also been a factor in my yo-yoing back and forth in the relationship with him.
He is enjoyable for me to be around and provided a lot I didn't have in other relationships. I am scared that I'll never find that again, but it's also been a lot more devastating when I suddenly experience these about-faces from him and he seems more loyal to his mother's apron strings and his ex-wife than to me. I actually have thought more and more that as crazy as the ex-wife is, she was right to get out and I don't think the one-sided narrative we get from the single parent we're dating is always the full picture.
So what makes this guy such a
So what makes this guy such a “catch”? What is the potential you seem to see in him that makes him worth going back to? I married a “catch”, he says all the right things yet never does anything to back it up. Words are easy, actions are hard. The fact that he continues to take no action should tell you, he’s never going to change, he will just keep giving you lip service that means nothing. Plus all the very obvious red flags that should be telling you to run.
I agree. He has been telling
I agree. He has been telling me for a long time the things I want to hear, but honestly he's at a point where he's not even attempting to do that any more. I think he used to actually care about losing me and now even that's gone. He does have a lot of good qualities, but I think most of us could say that about ex-partners, or we wouldn't have found them attractive to begin with. I'm more confused at this point that his "ex"-wife stayed with him as long as she did.
I think they'd still be together if she hadn't cheated, and I'm not even entirely sure he wouldn't have taken her back had I not come in to the picture at a convenient time. I appreciate you understanding, thank you for the comment.
I will also point out that
I will also point out that hindsight is 20/20.. and we all can let circumstances and manipulators twist our perspective.
I have been a monumentally poor partner picker in the past... My EXH is currently incarcerated for assaulting LEO's in a drunken rage situation.. my physically abusive ExBF is dead from drugs... there was a time when I thought they were both good ideas.. lord help me.. I was wrong.. and looking back I was so wrong for ignoring the huge red flags.
I have not been a good
I have not been a good partner-picker lol. My bf before this one was/is a heroin addict and overdosed twice in as many days while I was with him. So I guess maybe after that in comparison my newest bf seemed like a dream after dealing with all that. But he has his own addiction issues and complacency with his circumstances, he has an excuse for why he didn't do this or that on everything. I really hate that I did this to myself again.
Really? You have repeatedly gone back to him? STOP THAT!
Please read your above OP from the perspective of someone being asked for advice. What would you tell them?
he's back to sucking up to her, because of his depression, alcoholism, and poor financial situation.
Likely not a popular perspective, however, all of these situations are of his own repeated and continual making. Do you really want to retain this shit storm at the center of your life? Or in your life at all for that matter? While certainly a disease, alcoholism is also a choice. So is a single drink and every drink ever taken.
I've been a good girlfriend and a good influence on his kids.
But you are a horible influence on yourself. STOP THAT!
My BF is still not divorced from his wife. It's been over two years
There are no words that come to my mind other than... PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR OWN ASS!!! any time you even twitch in the direction of re-engaging with this POS waste of flesh.
Because he can't make even a basic decion or take even a minimal action, he is about to get stuck as daddy to his wife's cheat spawn. He can't do the basics, he is not worthy of you or of consideration as your equity life partner. Reality is, he does not care enough about you to actually divorce his cheating XW.
One question. What are you still doing there? There is nothign magic about Jan 1 2024. Pack your shit and leeave, or.... re-key the locks.
Take care of you.
There will be no room for Mr.
There will be no room for Mr. right when you keep hanging onto Mr. wrong. Dump him before Christmas and treat yourself with the money you saved.
My BF is still not divorced
You have an ultimate now you must follow through
Read the first sentence. Girl tap out before 2024 before you waste anymore time.
This dudes wife has a whole baby on him and he still won't let go. To add insult to injury as of now he's legally and financially obligated to her alleged boy toys kid. For all you know that kid could actually be his. Do you want to split resources even further like this?!?
He's a mamas boy and he won't let go of that etiher.
Don't waste your youth and womb on any man who won't give you what you need and desire.
He's heavily controlled by his wife and his mother.
Take your flotation device and Abandon that sinking ship.....
You see it yourself
This is not the relationship for you. He's not doing anything in this relationship. He can't even get divorced? You are not going to fix this disfunction. You are not going to fix him or this relationship. Time to exit . Get yourself ready ,make plans , [you will have plenty of time when he with his first family] and go
Run Forrest Run!
You deserve better - stop putting yourself into a situation that will only get worse. Three kids under 10 - that's a whole lot of your suffering until they are adults & then they really can be cruel. DO NOT WALK - RUN - take the nearest exit ramp and get on with your life. What you describe will NOT get better! Please take care of yourself first - life is too short to deal with a BF's mom who is hateful, a guy who has a lot of issues plus he's still married and 3 kids who hear all sorts of nasty things about you. RUN far, RUN fast to a better life!
Stop this
You see the writing on the wall. You gave him until December to get a divorce. That's not going to happen, because instead of investing in a lawer. He invested in a bar . He's drinking the divorce money away. Time to run. Sorry about everyone being so hard on you, if you had the guts to post here. You know the relationship is in trouble. Remember no one with fabulous.great relationship post here
So true!!
Harry, once again you nailed it:
"Remember no one with fabulous.great relationship post here."
... but I'd edit that given that several ARE in great relationships now, in spite of the original step-parent scenarios that brought'em here.
Yes SU, there are many who have great relationships after
learning how to put and keep the toxic opposition in their place. Whether the toxic opposition, is the X(s), the Skid(s), the IL(s), or all of the above.
God, please, move on from
God, please, move on from that mess! My situation was not nearly this bad and, in hindsight, I realize that several years of my life would have been so much better and peaceful had I not moved forward despite all the road blocks, DH's baggage, and toxicity of the ex and step situation. My determination to make things work (esp for the ex not to "win" in splitting us up) ultimately hurt only me. While DH and I are in a much better place now (the best it's ever been), it took us well over a decade to get here and I would not want to relive what we went through, and in reality it truly never goes away 100% unless, perhaps the couple moves permanently to another continent. You deserve so much better. Please do not step back into this pile of .... Don't waste anymore of your precious time. And when you do have kids, have them with a man who is a real man who can make real decisions and face real life.
Best of luck.
Mia, you and DH are suvivors
Mia, you and DH are suvivors who have thrived making a life together. Countering the toxic opposition is a challenge. Defeating them is rewarding. At least it is for me.
Living far away from the toxic opposition is absolutely a success factor. It certainly was for us. Though we never lived on another continent while SS was a minor, we never lived nearer than 1200miles to the toxic opposition.
We did move across the world a few months after SS launched after aging out from under the CO. As he progressed as an adult, SS moved to another continent. They earned him writing them off. He has pretty much kept them in the shredder since becoming an adult.
His mom and I are living a wonderful life. So is our son. His SpermClan... is continuing their multigenerational crash and burn.
You are worth so much more
Please save yourself. Walk away, run away! As another poster said, he is your step up. Now it is time to move on and aim higher. Whatever are his good qualities, they are not worth all the baggage he brings. Make yourself your priority right now. Our hearts are breaking hearing your story as you are wasting your life. Let them have their big, fat mess.
I appreciate all the support
I appreciate all the support so much! It's been really hard thinking I won't be able to do better but I'm trying. Thank you <3
Im sorry you are going through this
You sound stuck in a rut. Ive been there. I dated husband when he was "separated not divorced" and Toxic Troll BM had a man. But guess what? She wasnt pushing for the big D because she wanted to have 10 years married. And guess what happens after 10 years married? Spousal support in perpetuity and she gets his SS benefit level.
The divorce got ugly, but was all done through a paralegal. He got through it. Best thing ever, and he had a group of other people encouraging him.
So - I say this with the very best of intentions, get your ducks in a row to get out of this and go "no contact". I suspect that you keep getting hooverd back in because you stay "friends".
This man is unavailable to you. He is still married and hes got a mini-wife mother. There is no room for you except as the side-piece.
Im sorry. But you have a wonderful realm of possibility in front of you!
Oh wow, I didn't even know
Oh wow, I didn't even know that about the ten-year thing! I know my BF wouldn't know about that but she's manipulative enough I can see her doing something like that. I've already told him I think there's something really suspicious about all this on her side that she's not pushing anything. Jeez, it just keeps getting worse and worse and I know I'll only find out more about how bad it is the more distance I put between him and me. It's just so crazy I know I'll go crazy if I don't get out.
Thank you for the information and your advice! I hope you're doing much better as well.
How are you?
Since your post, how are you through all these holiday shenanigans?
About as you'd expect, I
About as you'd expect, I think lol. I wasn't allowed to see the children until extremely late on Christmas because I'm not allowed to be around his mother and they were with her. I am trying to distance myself but it's been really hard with the holidays and all. Alcoholics are particularly nutty around the holidays so he's been more depressed than usual, which I expected from my own personal past experiences with them.
I have a therapy appointment coming up but money is an issue for me right now so I might have to cancel it. I appreciate you checking in on me! I was hoping making this post a few weeks ago would firm my resolve but I keep waffling still on what to do. I hope everyone's new years was better than mine.
Please give yourself a new
Please give yourself a new start this year, now would be best, and dump this shit storm.
Take care of you.
Imagine you’ve quit this relationship
and you're marking one year's anniversary after that. What will your life look like? What will you be doing on that day that this relationship prevented you from? What would be the first thought that would cross your mind when you open your eyes in the morning? What would be the first thing you'd be doing? Whom would you be spending your day with? Would you perhaps be enjoying some quiet me time? Going to work with uncluttered mind? Calling a girlfriend for a brunch? Going on a date with someone kind and emotionally/financially/physically healthy?
Don't spend too much time thinking about what you've got to lose, think about what you'd gain from kicking this unhealthy addiction.
I've been trying to focus on
I've been trying to focus on that. I just want to be free from this lol. I think because I'm getting older now I'm just so upset with myself that I wasted all this time when I could have been building a future with someone else. But you're right, there's no productivity in focusing on what I lost or could have had. I wouldn't say I'm doing everything right but I think I've started to make some steps in the right direction. I'm going to counseling, drinking less, just leaving instead of engaging in another baited argument, etc. I appreciate your advice.
Here we are mid Jan 2024.
Here we are mid Jan 2024. Have you booted his idiot ass yet?
Categorize people by their actions and you will never be fooled by their words.
Take care of you.
Lol I was a little past the
Lol I was a little past the deadline but I've distanced myself from him. Thank you, you too <3