We broke up - quick and easy

I am currently at the mountain house my XBF owns. I had a prior commitment to volunteer for a cycling event in the area, and I brought my daughter up with me. Nice buffer.

I asked him Saturday night why he was so unreceptive to affection I was offering when we went to bed. I told him I feared he wasn't interested any longer. (I've suspected for some time that he wasn't attracted to me any longer, so I guess I was seeking confirmation even if I knew breaking up was inevitable.)

And this is where he went down the same damn road he always goes down. He said, "What do you expect. You broke up with me." He was talking about that night when I thought he was flirting with my friend. Okay, wait. I was feeling insecure and was drunk and told him if he was THAT interested in my friend, he should go for it. The right answer for a securely attached person is, "I want you. I don't want anyone else." But for him, that was me breaking up with him. I never said those words - ever. He insists I did and told me I was lying. M'kay. This highlights what I've been trying to say all along - he doesn't register the actual words that I say. He twists them and then exaggerates them to make me look like a villain.

When he put our breakup "on ice" he wanted me to return to sharing a bed. I was on board with that as he was going through a rough time. But why I am in your bed if you reject any form of affection I offer? So, I moved to the back bedroom.

Sunday, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He said there was no point as we never get anywhere. So we decided on the spot that we aren't working and we agreed to end things. I told him I would come back in two weeks and START packing.

He mentioned the internet service that is under my name. This morning I canceled my account and let him know it will end on October 3rd.

It's all very civilized and I'm thankful. There is no drama. He's been a great host to my daughter and her dog. He's really been enjoying having the dog here.

Next weekend, his sister and his nephew will be up for a visit, so he'll have that to look forward to.

I'm going to contact my bookings for November and December and cancel them. I just need to make sure I"m not breaking any airbnb rules, first.

So, it's official. I am a single lady and will be moving into my airbnb with my daughter in late October.

Thanks for the support. xoxoxo

la_dulce_vida's blog

Comments

While I'm sorry this

While I'm sorry this relationship didn't go the way that you had hoped.. I think you gave it a good chance to develop.. and in the end, I think this guy is just not 100% "there" to be a full equity partner in life to anyone right now.. maybe never. Like you said.. he enjoys the companionship/fringe benefits, but while that may be fine for some people, that wasn't what you necessarily wanted. You wanted a more meaningful presence and life.

Hopefully you can get things moved along so you can make a peaceful break.

Truth! Thank you ESMOD.

I would say "I'm sorry" ...

I would say "I'm sorry" ... but the longer I'm on this site, the more I feel congratulations are in order. Congratulations on getting out of what is so often a toxic situation for us stepmothers. You've got about a 99.999% chance of things getting better for you because now your red flag detector is even more finely tuned should you decide to date again. Experience is the best teacher. (And should you not decide to date again, good for you! I was just reading how single women are happier on average than partnered women and well that just makes perfect sense to me.)

Thanks darlin. ((hugs))

I think I've grown so much as a person in the last 8 years. I'm stronger than I've ever been. I know there will be days I miss this man, because when he's good, he's great. But, it's how we behave in the bad times or boring times that really define us, right? I don't think he's built for adversity despite having to watch his lovely late wife die from cancer. He's still not worked through that trauma. I feel for him, but I really have to put myself first and not get distracted by another broken man. I seem to attract them.

So my next effort is to STOP considering relationships with broken men. And if someone comes my way and looks promising, I will BAIL at the FIRST red flag. Drinks too much - gone. Is critical of me - gone. Shushes me - gone. Inappropriate response to me being vulnerable and sharing my feelings - GONE! Low effort - gone. Signs of emotional immaturity - gone. Crap conflict resolution behaviors - gone.

No more widowers - gone.

The castle walls are high right now. I will revel in my relationships with the amazing women in my life, and with my loving family. If any gent should amble along trying to find an easy way into my castle, he will find thorns and possibly a sleeping dragon to thwart him. There is only the hard way.

You go girl

You just made the healthiest decision.

Proud of you.

I think widowers would be dang hard to begin with, especially one still grieving. Many times it seems he gave you a seat at the table but pulled it out before you sat down. No one is secure in that scenario.

Cheers to a happy healthy single life...for now. Who knows what tomorro brings? maybe a prince charming with no skids, no ex, no saintly deceased wife just a beautiful blank slate. Yea thats not reality but we can dream.

HUGS HUN and blessings

Fairly tales suck - they are

Fairly tales suck - they are lies and if I ever have a granddaughter, I will NEVER read her a fairy tale where prince charming saves the poor princess.

So prince charmings better stear clear of me. LOL

I need a break from broken men who half a$$ relationships and are only in it to be SERVED and not to SERVE. I'm not looking for a servant. I just want people in my life who are willing to go out of their way for me as I would do for them.

I'm sorry, ldc. Frankly, I

I'm sorry, ldc. Frankly, I never liked this guy for you. Well, truth be told, not for anyone. He's never been truly emotionally available and I doubt he ever will be. And I think he took you for granted and never appreciated you. Like ESMOD said, he enjoys the companionship/fringe benefits. You deserve a helluva lot more than that. {{{hugs}}}

You're right and I kept

You're right and I kept denying it to myself.

Thank you.

Love is blind. give_rose

Love is blind. *give_rose*

I recall

All the "late wife this and late wife that", lots of back and forth and go/no go. Thats stREsSfuL!

Glad you had a no drama concious uncoupling. Better sooner than later.

That was in the first year.

That was in the first year. It's been a LOT better. The only issues I had with that were that when he bought this house (mountain house which was supposed to be a weekend retreat) he decided unilaterally to move here full time, 2.5 hours from where I lived and worked, putting us into a long distance relationship and not being willing to share the load with traveling to see each other. If I wanted to see him, he expected me to pack up and come see him whenever I wanted to. He was retired and had the freedom to come and go. I was tethered by my job. I moved in with him when I changed jobs and started working remote.

When he first moved to this house, he cleared out the house he bought with his LW when they were first married and used all the decor to decorate this house. He did a nice job and I liked the decor, but my DD30 was here for the first time this weekend and said she saw NO signs of me. She's right. I tried to ignore that part because I liked the decor.

But he also still has her ashes and her bathrobe at the other house, and he has her cycling shoes sitting with his shoes by the back door of THIS house. I mean, is she going to show up and wear them? He's got knick knacks a straight man would never pick, so, to me, it smacks of him decorating this house FOR HER.

He loves me, but not enough or in the right way. I love him more than he loves me, but I love me MOST. Someone has to.

I have a feeling he's going to lament this breakup. I will have sad days, too. But I have such a tremendous support network, I'll be better than ever.

Cycling shoes by the back

Cycling shoes by the back door? of a house she never lived in? it's such a small thing.. and so big at the same time.

I think he needs a "stepford" wife.. a pleasant female that won't make him work too hard emotionally.. that makes no demands but fulfills his needs (I know it was more balanced.. but in a way.. it kind of comes down to that kind of analogy). I agree his drive to move to the mountain house was a big hurdle.. it created a situation where the relationship had to move faster.. further than it might have naturally done. I don't know if it was still him running from the memory of his wife.. needing a big change to move on? (yet keeping all the decor?).. he def has a battle within.

I agree with ESMOD about the

I agree with ESMOD about the stepford wife comment. I think he does need this. I have used this exact same comment regarding my ex-fiance while talking with my therapist. Yes, your ex, and mine, will regret losing us and be lamenting the loss of the relationships. But it can only get better for us from here!

Btw, the shoes by the door would have thrown me for a loop. That just screams a lack of empathy for you. He sounds incredibly egocentric. I am sorry you had to experience this BS.

I think you're describing his

I think you're describing his LW. I think she was amazingly tolerant of his BS and I think he was harder to live with when she was alive. He's alluded to as much.

He wants someone agreeable and said a lot in the first year, "it shouldn't be this hard" or "a relationship should have its own kind of shorthand that both people understand." I told him, "I'm not her and I have only known you less than a year. You cannot expect the ease and "shorthand" of a 27 year marriage."

I honestly believe he was an absolute PILL to live with and she would just go smoke a joint to deal with him.

He's not THAT hard to live with now but that's partly because I'm independent and don't get bogged down with his moods. I learned to go do my own thing. That was new for him. I think his LW might have learned to indulge or enable him.

Oh my

Her cycling shoes?

That really says it all.

What your DD noticed said it all.

You are so dang loveable, smart, kind, and bad ass.

While he will be regretting you will be enjoying your new amazing life.

This guy was not ready for a relationship and he probably will never be.

What this shows is that you have a kind patient heart so full of love to give. So glad it isnt wasted on this guy.

Thank you. I only realized

Thank you. I only realized they were her cycling sandals a couple of months ago. I just assumed they were his, but one day I picked them up and saw they were size 7.5. I always thought they looked slightly feminine but they never really stuck out to me until the day I picked them up and realized they were hers.

It's weird - very weird. In the garage attic, he's got a walker and a toilet chair. WTF - why would you keep that stuff? He's a bit of a pack rat, so I guess it figures.

The SHOES!!!!

There is bigger and brighter and sweeter and just all around awesome-er out there in your FUTURE futuro-dulce.

Her shoes by his? In new house? Is that like part of the decor?

Well, for me - husband likes all new (from yard sale new), and when he moved Toxic Troll out, he started fresh with everything.

Funny-si story - husband was going through his change and I asked him "isnt that a cool change jar? How you have separate compartments for each type of coin?" He said "yeah, one that I bought for myself'>

I told him, "aaaaah no. I bought that for you to replace the previous change jar that had 'girls night out change' I remember this", obviously a hangover item. I recall I replaced that especially because I was insecure of their whole history.

Thats a good line from sex in the city - samantha said the same thing when breaking up with smith jerod. I love you but I love me more...

Thank you, CLove. I'm always

Thank you, CLove. I'm always best after a breakup - I know how to soar. I guess that's my super power.

I love that line: "I love you, but I love me more."

Today

Is the First day of the rest of your Life

Thanks Harry.

Every day is the first day of the rest of your life.

My condolences that this is not what you hoped it would be.

He built his exit and perserved his self delusion by backing you into that corner and putting the breakup on you.

As a self improvment point, jealousy is a knee bender for relationships.

I get what you experienced when you perceived that STBX was attracted to your friend. My DW is stunning, statuesque, tall, brilliant and with a pure heart of gold. A number of my life long friends love her to no end. Most people do.

Maybe I am off, but... I experience pride when people admire what an amazing person my DW is. I do not feel threatened, or jealous. My DW loves a number of my friends. I feel similar pride that my friends are who they are and that they are appealing and commendable to the person who means the most in the world to me.

Going forward, keep that in mind. Unless... the behavior from an SO does not pass your smell test. Then.... keep digging until you find the answers. One way, or the other.

Take care of you.

You are here

We broke up - quick and easy

Comments