Why are you being their slave? Pack your bags and LEAVE, lady this is SO not your problem. And please don't give me the guff about how much you love him. Love is not enough to accept a life of drudgery and misery. 

Lola, I have a question, why are you staying in this situation?  Steplife is hard enough and the reason any of us endure it is because we love our DHs.  I think you are over your BF and I can certainly see why.

It is so hard to split up, I could barely do it at the last minute before my son started a new school year even tho my ex was an umployed druggie.  But you can do it, yes, you can.

Make yourself a good plan and go while he is gone.  As you leave, call and let him know he or BM will have to make childcare arrangements.  Tell him all further contact will be thru your lawyer.  Then block him and the kids.

Good luck, Lola, you deserve a better life.

Send an email to both mother and father to come pick up their children because you are moving or getting married or decided to become a nun. Reason doesn't matter. don't even have to have a reason 

You have zero legal or moral obligation to raise some boyfriends' children by yourself in a different state or anywhere. Your boyfriend pushed parenting responsibilities on you by sending his kids to you to raise. It's bizarre.Where is this kind of thing is even remotely acceptable.

If you are afraid of him, then it might not be as easy to get him to pick up the kids. If he or mom refuse to pick up the children, call authorities that parents left their kids with you and you aren't even related. Wait for kids to be picked up by CPS and go to domestic abuse shelter so ge can't find you. 

ok I reread your post. You state he is abusive. You must be afraid of him. You need to have s plan that would keep you safe. Call CPS to get the kids and go to domestic abuse shelter. Then get your life back on track  

if you don't want to call CPS, wait when he is in your state and leave before he gets in the house. Leave a note. Go to abuse shelter. Block them all and speak to a lawyer just in case 

Your post made me sad for you.  I have been in a somewhat similar situation.  I had an unemployed husband (I know your BF works), an adult SS who refused to launch.  They both were cruel to me.  I worked and supported them financially while they sat around and badmouthed me and ignored me.  They slept in every day and hung out at home, just lived this fantastic Peter Pan lifestyle, courtesy of me, and all the while, I never had their respect or love.  I was treated like a roommate but given all the responsibility of a parent/adult.  I was not allowed to parent his son or say anything to my husband's son about ANYTHING or I was given the silent treatment for days then berated and belittled.  It was awful.  Your situation is very, very reminiscent of mine.  Please do your favor and walk away from this sh*tshow.  I did and it was the best decision I ever made.  I moved out at the end of May, my divorce was finalized last week.  It is hard to walk away, believe me, I get it - I had invested 9 years total with my ex husband.  But at some point, you have to choose happiness.  Things won't change in situations like these.  I know you probably think if you just keep sacrificing then at some point, they will love and appreciate you (I went through those thoughts and feelings too initially).  It won't happen.  They'll use and use and use you until you nearly break. I have walked down the same path you are.  It's an awful place to be. And yes, I nearly broke. 

Ultimately, these kids are not your responsibility.  Having to worry about their needs and tuition is their parents' problem.  Their sh&tty attitudes = their parents' problem.  Making decisions about their classes, clubs, etc., ALL the responsibility of THEIR PARENTS.  And you're right, they'll never treat you with respect because your BF doesn't.  I watched as my SS became more and more brazen in how rude he was to me as he witnessed more and more episodes of his dad doing the same thing to me.

My ex husband was also emotionally abusive and it was escalating to physical abuse (slapping my leg, slapping my phone out of my hands while he was berating me).  Even without his kids, your BF won't ever change or treat you better.  My ex would do the same with any decision I was allowed to make (never anything about his son though), whatever I decided was ALWAYS wrong and whatever I did WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  I can't tell you how many times I went and picked up food for supper because he was mowing the lawn or busy ... and he berated me for it, "the food is cold now," "well that's not what I would've picked."  Or I did the dishes and "you loaded the dishwasher wrong" and "these dishes don't go here!  Don't you know anything?!"  Etc., etc., the list of bullsh*t mean things he said goes on and on... I mean, just absolutely despicable behavior.  I also could never voice my feelings to him because he would just be even more hateful.  Like you said, it was a no-win situation.  Trust me, it won't ever get better. 

Plan your exit.  Save yourself.  Start your life over. Happiness is waiting for you.

Please keep us posted, we're all here for you! 

Are there any grandparents in the picture? Either mother's or father's parents? I don't mean are they active participants, only are they alive and how far away are they?

Are they within driving distance?

I hate to say this but you're not their savior! With my ss I told my wife that if she ever passes away, he will go to his grandmas. She believes that since I'm the only father figure he has had that I should give him stability. Hell no! Won't do it! I will not look at his smug ugly face the rest of my life is she passed away tomorrow. Also, if he wanted her to go to a prep school, he should've been the one to move because he cannot dictate things from his ivory castle. You should just get another apartment, leave the kids with food, and drop them off at his house! Don't even tell him where you moved to. If my wife ever dies I will leave ss on his grandparents front door, take my bio-child, and have no contact. I would not want him to know where his sibling lives! That's just me

He must change jobs and be home with his kids.  You should be making a exit plan.  They are not your kids never will.  Don't worry about them. Help yourself 

No offense intended, Lola, but there is no such thing as a single stepmom... You have gone above and beyond what many bio parents will do for their kids (as you've seen), now it's time for you to take care of you. 

You are right. You are not their mom. You are more than their mom. You are the one who raises them.

As for rights... legally, you have no rights. But in reality you have every right you choose to take.  So, take them all.  Inform your BF that if he does not like  how you parent and discipline the chidlren present in YOUR home that he can get off of his useless failed father, failed partner, and failed man ass and do it himself.  This "not their ....." thing is a deal breaker for me.  As an equity life partner to their mate a SParent is also an equity parnet to any children in the couple home, regardless of kid biology.

The first time someone played that card with me I would give them the immediate choice of gaining clarity to GTF out of my life.  Zero toleranc. A second incident gets them and their spawn gone.

Quit serving yourself up as the sacrifice on the alter to this dumbass and his demanding gene pool.

Move on.

Let this dumb ass go down the drain. Where shit should go.

I am a non breeding SParent btw. I have no BKs.  Though I did raise my SS-30 as my own.   His mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.  So, you ARE their mom.  You are far MORE than their mom.  Even if you are "only" the GF.  Do not tolerate anything less than full equity partnership from your BF. That makes you an equity parent.  Never forget that. And never let him forget that.

Good luck.

You know you need to leave. Sooner than later. Figure out how to get some of your inheritance, OR bite the bullet and just find a cheap month-to-month place now. You know that when he's moved down (if he ever does!) it will be MORE difficult for you to go. Get your plan together ASAP and go. You have no responsibility to him. You know what? I left an apartment I had with a bf years ago and I was on the lease. I just didn't put it down as a rental on my history - but my bf covered the rent in any case no one reported me to any credit place (lucky).  

Question, when you say winter, how many months, what is the timeline exactly into which he can move there? I do understand the sense of obligation/care for the girls even if it's not-it's what you've been conditioned to do all along. Although I want to tell you to leave the very next weekend he visits, my advise is to take the longer tactical plan. 

You may have less backlash and less guilt it you wait until he's moving there since the girls are already situated in school, etc. Nobody has to be uprooted, drastically change.

In the meantime, go stealth as you can.  Be careful moving to many items/big items the girls could notice and let him know about.  Focus on paperwork/research and valuables- everything else will wait until D-Day (Departure Day). 

Editing as I read some more of your comments:

1) Don't know where you rented the storage unit, or how big the city you live in is.  I strongly suggest getting the storage (or moving to a different one) that is quite some distance from the house, where you know you won't run into him, family, friends, the girls or other student parents you know.  This may mean longer travel times while you take things over, but it is by far much safer.  Pay cash and explain to them it's for safety.  Put a password on the storage account, and explain to not give ANY info to anyone w/out your prior consent.  Also, you said you are on the lease, you just bite the bullet here if he can't pay, it is what it is, you said credit is already bad. Just notify them and ask about your options a day/two before D-Day or even once you have left.  Your home that is in your name only, make SURE he doesn't have any keys to the place, if he does...set up to have locks changed for the tenants on D-Day.  Consult a lawyer about all of this, just to make sure you won't run into any surprises or how best to cover yourself legally.

2) Get a seperate banking account (preferably a different bank) NOW if you have a joint one.  Keep your work check going to your joint for now, but pull out cash in nonnoticeable amounts and put in your other bank account. Idea is to leave only what needs to cover bills and not a dime more.  Once you have the date he's moving there, notify your job so they can re-route your check to the new account. Time it properly so it happens in between your moving out.  Set up a credit notification system/alert so you can see if he tries anything with your information.

3) Change all your passwords now, just in case he has some, for online, banks, pins, social media, phone, etc, utilities. If he tries something and confronts you, just tell him you were recently warned of hacking so you changed everything.  You will do this once again on "D-Day" while he is driving to move there.

4) You said he doesn't know about your grandmother's will (Sorry for your loss!).  If he finds out, tell him it's stuck in probate at the moment and it'll be some time/months  before you know/receive anything.  Hopefully he stays not knowing about it.  

5)PLAY DUMB if he's abusive, act like nothing is wrong in weeks/months leading up to his move.   Stealth mode, operation act as if everything is as usual. Do not tip your hand to him or the girls now that you are unhappy, or thinking of leaving, do not share this with ANY mutual friends/family where it could get back to him. Do not appear to detached, etc.  

6) Notify your employer that you will be moving to a different state around 'x' date to ensure no issues there.  Start researching apartments/housing in the area, and neighborhoods, get in touch with a realtor to start looking for what you want and give them the moving date.  It can always be some time after "D-Day"- you can stay at an extended hotel or short term rental/airbnb at your new location.

7) Get a new cell plan that only you have/know about that you pay from your new account.  Use this phone ONLY for your communications w/realtor, lawyer, moving company, notifying rental place, storage, lock changes, new bank, ANYTHING that has to do with your new life w/out him.  Maybe consider updating it with your job/clients if you don't have a work cell. 

Days leading up/Turbo plan and "D-Day"  See if the girls can go spend the night/weekend w/friends or relatives, their mom, or even drive them to their dads so they can help him pack/drive back together if you can. As soon as they are gone, get your help that you pre-arranged weeks prior (friends or paid help) and move all the furniture/items YOU paid for to the far away storage. If you have this fall on a Friday, week day, go to the bank and get your name off the joint account, move any/all of your funds to your new account (preferably another bank entirely).  I know changing your phone n is a total pain if you've had it for years, but it's one less way to stay no contact once you leave (which is number one priority after you leave). Switch any/all debit cards on your online accounts for auto pay, to new account.  Change passwords to all your accounts once more (tv subscribtions, amazon, insurance, medical, etc). Make a list of which accounts you need to close, vs remove his name/update passwords.  If the girls are w/their mom, say on a Friday, do all your 'in-person' things that day, including moving furniture, etc. The day he's driving there for good (what time/date in winter?)- take a couple hours w/your laptop and start the switches/updates of passwords. 

IF you want, leave a note to the girls that you are leaving voluntarily, you can spill if you want about their dads treatment of you, and theirs, whatever you feel is best, no wrong answers here.  Be clear you are moving on and will be in no contact, unreachable since you dont 'want them to file a missing person report. If you are feeling generous, you can tell them you love them and will miss them but you need to regain your life and you have been unhappy for years w/their dad.  Just be careful not to blame them, no need to leave and then feel guilt that they feel responsible.  

Block his number as you exit the home for the last time.  Take a good look at what you are leaving behind- remind yourself you are leaving free of guilt, shame and responsibility and you deserve a new, free, beautiful life. 

Acting in haste is imperative if you are in physical danger, but if it's not that, you are better off taking your time to plan/implement safely, securely and covering all your bases, get ALL the ducks in a row during this time, do not tip him in any way!!  Business as usual.  By doing this you ensure your safety, sanity, and a smooth transition out with no regrets. 

I wish you a full lifetime ahead of happiness and joy and freedom from this horrible situation.  Be smart, be stealth, be proactive, be diligent, keep your checklists w/time frames updated....set the plan in motion.  The next few months you will find yourself motivated and happy as you inch closer to D-Day...just make sure to not share with ANYONE that you think for even a sec could get back to him w/your plan.  

Since you have no rights can you be charged with a form of kidnapping if you don't tow the line?  Just how evil is he?  Put yourself first.  

I get that you care about kiddos. You can keep being the sacrificial lamb on the altar of the failed first family - thats up to you and we are here for you to vent to whenever you need to. And it sounds like you are making your moves, slowly and carefully in the right direction of out.

MEANWHILE, since you are still feeling anchored down there are a few things you can do in the meantime:

1. Start taking care of YOU. Start disengaging emotionally. Start writing things down like you have here. Start a secret journal, so you can really cement in your head the abuse you are expriencing. Most of stepparents issues are the bio parents. You cannot fight DNA however. Start doing more for you. Get enough rest, eat well, excercise. Keep your immune system boosted. Read more stuff on here about others experiences - so you dont feel so alone!

2. Consult a lawyer if you can. Get that process of getting a little $ from your inheritance.

3. Start building your TEAM. Your BF is NOT on your team. Gather friends and family around you. Long distance is ok. Support is support.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Their outcome is not on you regardless of what they "deserve".

Quit bailing out their parents.  

Get on with your life.  You deserve that commitment too and from yourself.

Your house is on fire and no one to rescue you - except you... How you talked yourself into this is exactly how you talk and yourself out while you pack your shit up and save your life!!  You work, you work from home, you can work from your own little place, studio, extended stay hotel - whatever!!  Don't say a word - just be gone before he gets home.  You have your entire life to live - and you've learned a hard lesson... You deserve to be RESPECTED - and it starts with you respecting and loving yourself.  Love and Blessings on your journey!

No. No. No. No.

Time to pull the seat eject button and bounce. I am sorry to tell you this but nothing good is going to come from this for you. You need help. Please care more about you than them. Plan your exit, give him a deadline to arrive in your state and move on. 

Keep posting please. 

You should know that watching someone stay in a relationship like this is a lot like watching someone overdose on drugs. It is maddening to the people around you because they can't understand why you are doing this to yourself.

Definitely seek therapy. It helped me so much. I realized my behavior was a little bit rooted in seeing myself as a victim. Deep down I kept thinking one day I will be rewarded for my incredible selflessness. I will tell you, Lola, that reward never comes. All you are doing is staying where it is comfortable, as a victim. It is valid you feel this way because this guy sounds abusive. But in your situation you can decide you aren't a victim anymore and take action for you. 

The lease thing is a very small obstacle that really isn't an obstacle. Cut everything that connects you from him, even if it means you lose money or your credit takes a hit. Get a new phone number. Lean on this community any time you need to. You can do it and you deserve to enjoy your life. Good luck <3

I don't know the whole story but keep in mind that if your SO is a personality disordered narc he likely made it very difficult if not impossible for the girl's BM to stay an active participant in their lives. If he doesn't really want the parenting responsiblity and he no longer has the free babysitter (you) then she may be able to step-in and take care of her own children.

Hun, read your post back to yourself...slowly and carefully.  Now, imagine that you did not write it.  Imagine for a moment that someone else wrote it and is asking for your advice.  What would you say?  Would you tell that poor soul to "Hang in there; you'll be fine."?  Or would you tell that person, "Time to make a good solid plan to leave this situation!  These are not your children.  This is not how you should be treated by your boyfriend or by his kids or by ANYone for that matter!"  I'm guessing that your response to the writer will be the latter.

You've only been given one life.  Don't find yourself having to look back on it with regret. 
There has been some great advice given to you.  Please take it.  Reedle2021's past posts are well worth reading and her advice is well worth heeding!!  Hugs...