Passive aggressive
Hi everyone...wondering who else deals with passive aggressive behavior from skids that at times can be very subtle but you still recognize it for what it is? If so, does your spouse see it?
My SD has miraculously convinced her dad that she is kind to me, he honesty doesn't see the little comments and how they are meant to be daggers. It is so frustrating because he literally thinks it's all in MY head and so she ends up looking like the good guy and I'm the mean guy who always has to find fault in her. I always tell him "you don't speak bitch talk"!
I am a very non-confrontational person so I usually do t say one word in response to this stuff. I never know in the moment what to say!! Of course I think of a million responses after!
does anyone else have experience with a spouse who doesn't see it and how do you handle the scenario?
He sees it. He just doesn't
He sees it. He just doesn't want to deal with it. He'd rather make it your problem than confront his kid.
Ouch. Very true though. He
Ouch. Very true though. He can't be that dense.
Sorry, didn't mean to be
Sorry, didn't mean to be harsh - but he's not that dense. He just fears losing his daughter more than he fears losing you.
Be assured that it's you who
Be assured that it's you who is the kindest in those situations, in that "family". That you can't think of a quick retort is proof of that. As much as it hurts, don't retort and be your kind hearted self. While it may sound cliché, God does see your heart and will help you and reward you along the way. If the nastiness gets beyond the pale, though, and your husband allows it, I would seriously consider leaving. No one deserves to be abused, especially kind people.
"Let it go"
You need to give an example in context so we have a better idea of what you're referring to. But, if there's any conflict or side-eyes, my DH always says, "let it go." I am disengaged pretty much now.
Yes!
My DH is the same way about his youngest daughter. She has always been a rude, maniupulating bitch but he has chosen to not deal with her attitude so she gets away with it. It's so frustrating which is why I don't like being around her. I feel so small, insecure and weak when it comes to standing up for myself or what I want. Compound that with a DH that doesn't have my back.
Time for you to be 'dumb like
Time for you to be 'dumb like a fox'... when she makes a passive, snide remark- tell her how much you love and appreciate her. If she's saying something sarcastic- pretend she's serious and roll wtih it "Oh you like these decoration? I am so happy I just LOVE them, too!" (all in front of DH)... slightly over the top... always smile... that way they can never say you're doing anything wrong. Be overly kind to her... If you do that- I'll bet she amps it up to the point that its obvious. Then DH can't just bury his head in the sand. I agree- he sees it but its subtble enough so he doesn't want to deal with it.
Dang
I wish I had read this a few years ago.
Perfecto advice.
OP no your DH is not that dense but he is hoping you are. He wants you to believe that you are the bad guy, that you find fault with the princess, that you are crazy cause he just doesnt see it. Guess where SD got her passive aggressive behavior from? Thats right from big daddio the King of passive aggressive. The dysfunctional cycle continues.
Yep. It's card gaslighting.
Yep. It's card gaslighting.
BAM! This is exactly what I
BAM! This is exactly what I do. Works quite well. Wind from the sails!
Sometimes
When SD15.5 is upset by something I do or say. And I go the saccharin pathway of being overly "friendly" when inside Im seething so husband cannot backlash on me. I just hunker down and ignore. Shes generally nice and respectful, so its not an all the time thing, thankfully.
My experience is that men don
My experience is that men don't understand mean girl games. They don't think like that and are not conditioned to grow up with them like girls are. That said, I bet if you were able to toss it back at her he wouldn't pick up on it. I rely on "that's nice". It's code in my mind for "F you". Practice saying in different tones and you will always have an answer for her.
get her w/ over the top
get her w/ over the top fake-ish kindness and ignore her the rest of the time.
My SD and SILs are like this.
My SD and SILs are like this. It took a long time for my DH to see it but he finally does. Unfortunately it took them being not so subtle mean girls to him for him to really see it. Guys just take everything at face value and they don't often consider the tone it context of conversations the way women do.
As others said you should just send it right back on her be sickeningly sweet. By your time there will be an opportunity for you to show she really is be patient and wait for it.
Yep
Bratty tries to spin everything to SO that I am a negative person that misinterprets her innocent gestures. It's bullsh*t and yet another way she tries to make herself the victim. SO has gotten better at understanding my perspective but also acknowledges that he sees his child with rise colored glasses.
if you do not acknowledge her
if you do not acknowledge her snark, she will ramp it up, if you still don't she'll go into high gear and Dad will be forced to face it.
My exSD was like this, making
My exSD was like this, making toxic statements when Daddy wasn't around, and playing 'team' with Daddy - putting me down and thinking I was too stupid to understand. He knew it, just like your DH does. Trying to be overly sweet when someone is trying to put you down is playing a game that is a waste of time. Tell DH to inform SD that there will be no more catty games or you will show her how it is done - he has the choice.
I Concur...
Playing these sick little games with SDs only puts you at their level mentally, and we are nowhere in their realm when it comes to feelings and decency.
Believe me, I, in NO WAY want to be like her, or engage with her. Many times that is exactly what they want: to provoke us, so then we do look like the trouble maker.
SD can get in the gutter, but I'm not going to get in it with her. I don't gutter fight, nor should I have to.
PA
My SD41 sent her annual Christmas card to our house. Addressed only to DH. Does he see this as odd? Of course he does. Will he ever confront her about it? Not likely, he's afraid of her. He should be demanding respect towards me, but instead he's a coward about it.
I put the card in DH's den facing his chair so that only he has to look at it. It's come to symbolize her continuing unacceptance of our marriage, even after 10 years.
I sent a Christmas card to her with a newsletter of all the events of the past year that DH and I have weathered together. The sunshine and the rain. The headline "greetings to all of our friends and family" to the bottom line that's has both of our names. It sends a strong reminder that she is all alone in her passive aggressive behavior and we will not be sucked into it.
Love it
Love it
A micro recorder and web cams
A micro recorder and web cams will give your clueless DH clarity oin his toxic spawn.
Use them. No need for you to say a word. Just start footage review with daddy with a glass of wine every evening and don't allow his continued delusion on his daughter.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Another tactic to use.
When SD says something cutting, look her in the eye and ask her, "Did you intend for that comment to be insulting?" Don't say another word and hold your gaze on her.
She will probably babble some answer like No, of course not! Then say, "Well, that's the way it comes across. You may want to work on your communication skills."
This.
This.
Also just ask her to repeat herself. Pretend you didn't hear her the first time. Then ask her to explain. You don't understand.
YES
Perfecto. Going to try this with a toxic co worker TODAY
I wouldve loved to have said this to ex SD
I have to agree that there
I have to agree that there comes a time when incessant nastiness must be dealt with, even if the dad won't grab a hold of his testicles and do it himself and you do it yourself. I like this idea but I'd probably leave off the instruction to work on communication skills.
It's Obvious Your DH Isn't Fluent In "Bitch Talk" or Bilingual.
Becuase I have removed myself from the circus known as "step-life" regarding his POS's he sired, NO, I no LONGER DEAL WITH IT. Before I made the very wise choice to bow out in an effort to protect myself (since it was apparent nobody else had an interest in doing that), oh yes! The passive aggressive cattiness was abhorrent.
Of course daddy NEVER SAW IT. You want to know why these men never "see it" or "hear it"? They're wearing their daddy love is blind love goggles. For them to side with us and admit THEIR CHILD's behaviors, (and DH's LACK of addressing those behaviors become the problem) would be admission on DH's behalf that he is a failure as a parent. I mean, come on, should an adult HAVE to point out to another ADULT how to behave? No, not if that person raised the "child" with a decent set of manners and boundaries.
As much as you want to shift the blame onto SD, the blame rests squarely on DH's sholders because:
1) He sired and raised a disrespectful POS
2) SD's feelings and her getting her way matter to him more than YOURS
3) Which is why he is REFUSING, not CHOOSING to address her nastiness
Without reigning him in, this will fester and get worse. You may have no choice but to take yourself out of the picture where she's concerned.
I cannot even stand the mention of SD's name. When I hear it ANYWHERE, I feel like cats are scratching my brain and someone has poured alcohol on it.
Best wishes to you!
^^^THIS^^^
Spot on!!
You are 100% correct. If it
You are 100% correct. If it got to the point where I had to disengage that much, I'm pretty sure I would walk. Many of these guilt infested fathers have had multiple wives and as they go, they've inherited even more guilt that they've drug their spawn through it again and they also feel stupid and insecure because they can't maintain a relationship. That they don't realize the common failure denominator is their willful ignorance of their spawn's behavior only assures that they nor their children will ever be truly happy.
You do not have to convince your DH of anything.
Stand on the facts and make sure he hears it. If he ever plays the "Its all in your head" card again. Tell him that is the last time that leaves his mouth on pain of he and his spawn leaving immediacy and not returning.
While differences of opinion and perspective are real. This in your head crap is gaslighting and if he ever pulls that shit again he need immediate pain. No need to be confrontational. Just be direct, prompt, and clear. He plays that card at his own risk.
As for the ill parented failed family breeding experiment, no need to even discuss her with her father. Just make the consequences for her crap immediate, clear, and misery inducing. If nothing more than calling her out on it, make sure that your being non confrontation does not make you a facilitator of their crap.
Good luck.
Merry Christmas.