Love my husband but questioning marriage
Since day 1 my family and I have always supported his 16 yo daughter (mostly financially) and emotionally. Whether she needs new clothes, etc etc, im the one that helps pay for these kind of things. (Mind you im in my 20s and her BIO parentsare 10 years older) I even gave her an iphone. Yet she still doesnt talk to me and says my family is not her family. We even moved to a house that i had no choice in, my husband has made promises to me that werent kept. He doesnt go out with me anymore except to the grocery store. I helped him catch up on his bills. He says we cant afford a wedding now and i cant help but feel like ive been lied to this whole time. I lost two babies by miscarriage during our 3 years of marriage. My health is deteriorating and im not sure if its from living in a toxic environment. Step daughter wants nothing to do with me, shes even blocked me on her phone which i pointed out to her father and he doesnt believe it. Shes told her doctors that i dont like her which isnt the case, we just dont have a relationship. We all live together since her mom is not stable. Im tired of being the one cooking and cleaning after her and even helping her father because her mother reaps the rewards (step daughter loves her mother) yet the woman has done nothing to take care of her kid.... and my husband has no plans on making her step up. He also has a big problem with setting rules and boundaries for his daughter. And im assuming she would have a problem when me and my husband actually have our own children as she doesnt communicate with me. im at a breaking point in the marriage and with myself. I love him but im tired of everything. Sorry if that was too much but if anyone has similar experiences i need advice. Did you stick it out?
My advice is leave.
My advice is leave.
Love is NOT enough. You are miserable. Your health is failing - yes, constant stess takes a HUGE toll both emotionally and physically.
This will not change. It will not magically get better.
Save yourself - you have one life. Live it happily.
please stop paying for things
please stop paying for things for her, your husband can do that,, and if he cant afford those things, well the skid misses out. Its not your responsibility to do these things. she is 16 ,, she sould be able to get a part time job and pay for own phone. You have taken on too much for your husband, let him do the heavy lifting for his own kid
So you pour your money into
So you pour your money into this guy and his kid and do all the cooking and cleaning. WHY? How desperate are you for a man? Get up from that step life altar NOW and straighten yourself up! Stop wasting your time and resources on someone who won't even listen to your concerns.
Life is too short to throw it away on people who are not worth your time.
Stop paying for stuff ! It's
Stop paying for stuff ! It's not fair on you, let your husband deal with everything.
my advice, disangage big time: no paying for anything, cooking and cleaning only for yourself, go out on your own, etc and be polite and cordial to her but that's it.
That's first step, give it some time to see if your husband steps up, if nothing changes (or if it gets worse by him trying to guilt trip you or demanding your financial help) you leave him !
you are young, you want a family, you still can have those things if you chose to leave him, don't waste more years
all the best
Stop
Your post is crying out for guidance.
#1 STOP the money train #2 LEAVE. Your DH is a liar, he doesnt support you, and is using you.
Take the trash out so to speak.
Why????
Why are you continuing to sacrifice yourself on this alter of SParental martyrdom by funding a life of shits and giggles for this leeching POS failure of a man and parent and his shallow and polluted gene pool?
You are wasting money and
You are wasting money and time by trying to fix something that nobody else wants to have fixed. Why would they? You provide financial support, maid service, meal prep, and bed warming. It's working out great for them.
And in the meantime you're losing yourself. Don't you wonder where the fun, independent woman went?
Go live your best life. I hope you find a good therapist who can help you define what that looks like. But what you ahve certainly isn't it.
Reality
Sounds to me like you went into this relationship with DH and SD with the best of intentions - hoping that you'd be "family."
Well, reality check time. As they say, it takes two to tango. At this stage, I'd never anticipate a good relationship between you and SD. As others have said, it's best to disengage and muddle through home life until she's gone. Either that or LEAVE NOW. And either way, the family fantasy life you may have envisioned is just that. Sorry but after 3 years of living full-time with stepchildren, I've come to realize why so may blended families blow apart in divorce - there are just too many variables.
I used to question my
I used to question my marriage, I wish I left when I was just questioning it, I have invested so much time, and I have kids that view my DH as his own. they call him daddy, and he calls them his daughters. I can't leave now, maybe once they are grown and out (they are 17yo now), but I can't go now. I love my husband, thats NEVER been the question, he is a GOOD man who loves me and my children. his 16yo daughter who causes EVERYONE in the home anxiety is the issue, even DH has SEVERE anxiety right before SD visits... SHE is enough to make me want to leave, but for my kids, I just can't leave. I do wish that I never moved in 10 years ago, I do wish that first time we broke up (over BM and SD), that I just quit answering his phone calls, I do wish that when BM's mom tried to pay him $10,000 to terminate his rights as a parent, that he'd have jumped at that offer, I do wish that I listened to my gut instinct. DH is a great man, I just wish SD and BM weren't part of the deal.
I had the "I wish I had not taken her calls" thing with my XW.
She broke up with me briefly while we were dating. Yet, we kept going out.
If I had only accepted her break up!
I got out fairly unscathed. No kids, and only 2.5 years of marriage. She left our new home pregnant by another man. It just got weirder from there.
Yea, i know so weird. My
Yea, i know so weird. My brother went to the navy, and on one of trips home he brought my daughters earrings, and she lost them, I was furious,but I kept my cool, before DH and her left we were trying to figure out how to get it out of where she stuck it (INSIDE OF THE DOOR KNOB!) we couldn't figure out how to get it, they are probably still there to this day. That was finally the straw that did it at that time. (other things were BM freaking out over a white shirt that she INSISTED was left, I turned my apartment inside out andcouldn't find it. I STILL think it was sent home, and she just couldn't find it, but she FLIPPED OUT over it. a gift that I spent GOOD money on as a single mom of 2 with no child support, was taken to BM's house, and I NEVER saw it again, SD didn't even seem to remember the toy... I think BM threw it away i told him that I needed a break, I just needed time to focus on myself, and that I think it was a bit much for me, he promised that he would get it all better in check, and the fact that our kids were the same age (mine older by a year) they would grow up together. and he DID, things were a lot better, for a little while. but once we moved in together, it all went *flush* down the toilet,
His daughter would make snide remarks, AT THE AGE OF 5!!!! and I just kept putting it off as normal kid behavior, and that I just wasn't used to it from my kids, then she'd destroy one of the kid's property, and I thought, she was just jealous that they were in an activity, and that we had to figure out a way to include her. then she destroyed one of my daughter's notebooks, and DH had her replace it (even though it was nowhere near the same, DD had put in so much effort to color in the cover (think mandala colorbook, but before mandala got popular, and you couldn't find a smiliar notebook, so they got her a mickey mouse notebook.
then she poured seasoning in my rice cooker, but refused to admit it. completely denied it, 100%, so EVERYONE was punished because we couldn't PROVE that it was SD, but I knew it was, because my children NEVER had lied to me before, but SD was a notorious liar. I gave everyone a chance to admit they did it, saying that I understand that being curious, you may make stupid decisions and nobody would be in trouble if they just admitted to doing it. that was friday. EVERYONE was in trouble because SOMEONE was lying, I asked them, was it you, they said no, but they wanted all this to end. My daughters told me that they just wanted to confess so that it would be done, they couldn't STAND everyone being in trouble for one persons lying. Finally I had an idea, I convinced her that I had cameras in the kitchen and I just had to get to work to watch the footage... and that DH would prefer to hear someone confess that they had done it, but if they waited for us to see the footage, they would be in even MORE trouble. I saw her face look SOOO worried, I asked her once more, and she confessed. I asked once more to be clear, "so if we watch the camera footage, it's going to be you doing it?" "yes", so I had her go tell her father that it was her. things with her just got worse and worse and worse. She's honestly made my life sooo much worse, It's insane!
So many little things, shoving people out of the way so that she can PLOW through, she literally bruise my arm shoving me into door frames, shoving my daughter into the countertop so that she could get through, crying EVERYTIME she lost a game, SCREAMING every time she KINDA got hurt. ALL the lying, ALL the MEAN hateful things she's said. telling my daughter that she basically doesn't belong.
I kept telling myself, it's only EOWE, i can get over EOWE, its only a few days a month.... but honestly I get such horrendous anxiety with her coming, my DD has horrible depression and anxiety. I can't think of one good thing SD has brought into my life.
Wow. Your SD is a real peach.
IMHO the only way to fix this kind of crap is to not tolerate it. My DS (former SS who asked me to adopt him) when through the squeeze in front to be first through the door phase. His mom and I repeatedly talked to him about it, how it was rude, etc...
So, we quit getting out of way when we were approaching a door way and he was rushing/pushing past us to get through first. He ate a few door frames during that phase. It did not take more than a few and he figured it out.
Time to give your DH clarity that he gets his toxic failed family breeding experiment fixed and under control or she is not allowed in your home, to participate in your family, and she will have zero interface with you or your daughter. DH can have his relationship with her separate from his marriage and blended family hom.
Good luck.
Wow... I feel so sorry for
Wow... I feel so sorry for your daughters.
DH and I have been together
DH and I have been together for 25 years BUT I wouldn't have stuck it out had it been like your situation.
My health is deteriorating and im not sure if its from living in a toxic environment.
It is.
He says there's no money for a wedding, are you married or?
Just trying to clarify.
First-Stop helping or paying for ANYTHING to do with HIS daughter. She's his mistake, not yours.
Second-Yes. The incredible stress is most likely what caused your miscarriages (very sorry by the way, I've been there).
Third-If your man is boundary resistant now, it will likely NEVER change for the better. I've also been there, and still am. I don't recommend trying to change the situation as boundary resistant people rarely change for the long-term, especially when these sick daddies have been doing their emotionally charged dance of dysfuction with their "kids."
You sound like the one who is monetarily stable, since you're the one who has helped him catch up on bills. It appears he needs you more than you need him.
Best wishes!
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,.....
If money is the ONLY thing
If money is the ONLY thing keeping you there, start planning and executing! You CAN do better for yourself!
Hey, so when we were engaged
Hey, so when we were engaged we talked about our wedding plans, even picked out some things. We got married by the justice of peace. He promised me an actuallt wedding. Now its three years later and saying theres no way we could have one...... makes me feel like he tricked me and wasnt honest with me, im financially more stable than he is and alot better with saving.