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they are teenagers for goodness sake

Kisanmisme2's picture

My DH and his ex wife have to talk to each other through a parenting app. She hasn't messaged him in months. Also the children are now SD17 and SS15. Why do they even need to communicate with each other when the children are fully capable of making plans with their father? Am I wrong in thinking this? Out of the blue today for some little nothing that could have been told to SS.  Do ex wives know that the messaging irks?


CLove's picture

They want to stay relevant. As the kids get older, their relevance decreases, so they must up the ante.

bananaseedo's picture

Absolutely spot on.  Now that SD is pregnant BM gets to be 'relevant' all over again.  It never ends. 

Kisanmisme2's picture

I never considered what happens once his kids have kids this gives me another cause for anxiety and that's something I never even considered. Ugh I just never want to see or hear from her again. Take her babies and her CS and get outta town. Sorry total vent. 

JRI's picture

When my SD59 and YSS55 had their babies, they, naturally as all people do, wanted DH to pay attention, admire the babies, etc.  We did our thing for them but after having so many (5) kids here and with us both working full time, we didnt babysit or do a whole lot.  We did birthdays, Christmas, I did cookies with all, we did the local attractions in the summer, we went to their sporting events, recitals, etc.  Not all of them all the time but we showed up enough.  So, no, they don't just move away and leave you in peace.  The ones that do move away expect you to visit.  It never ends.....

JRI's picture

As my SKs got older and left our nest, our late BM continued to call DH to whine whenever one of the kid's lives were going off the track.  This was in the pre-cell days and she called him at work.  I guess it was to vent since she had no other family and her husband, Clueless, wasn't sympathetic to the kids.  Sometimes he mentioned her calls. By that time, I was past my insane jealousy of her, so whatever.  But just know, because the kids launch, that doesnt mean there won't be communication.  I guess it varies by situation.

ESMOD's picture

I guess it depends really.. some teens still rely on their parents for things..and communication.  What was the (reasonably) specific reason why she messaged?  

if she hasn't messaged in months.. I'm guessing there may have been some underlying need for her to do it.. maybe it was something the boy was reluctant to tell dad.. like he wasn't going to make a visitation for some reason?

Kisanmisme2's picture

If a 15 and 17 year old cannot communicate with their father and facilitate visits what exactly are you teaching them? She messaged for a pick up, and we have picked them up in the last few months several times with no messages! I am so confused as to why now... and then I think she has ulterior motives. Does she know the this triggers me?

bananaseedo's picture

These BM's are so self-absorbed they normally don't think beyond themselves and what benefits them. More then likely it's to stay relevant with your DH, nothing about you.  That said, if it's bene months, doesn't sound like she's vying for 'presence' in your dh's life.  Not sure why she would now.  Was it a slight change of time or pick-up location maybe?  

Kisanmisme2's picture

The children are old enough now to text or call their own dad and make plans. She is also able to do the same with SS15. And for years they have been successfully doing that for the most part. They aren't 5 any more.  And it's a court ordered parenting app and it just triggers my anger that she puts smiley faces all over it (when she stood up in court and said we were not safe enough for her babies during covid?!! )So we didnt see them for a year. I just wish I knew the motive... that's it. What do you really want? 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You'll drive yourself crazy trying to decipher what's going on in her squirrel brain. If your DH is handling it right, that's all that matters. 

AliceInJam's picture

I get it, and I don't think you're wrong. Mine still has to talk with his ex, so I get that. But she finds all sorts of other ways to pluck my nerves, like tagging him in Facebook memories and crap like that.

I agree that it's just a way to try to stay relevant, and my advice is to pick your battles. I'm not great at that, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I'm trying to learn that.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Even teenagers should not be "go betweens" for their parents. If the change was coming from BM and not one of the kids, it might have been appropriate for her to message your DH. This is definitely not a hill to die on. There is no way she will know it bothers you to the degree that it does unless you let on to her or the skids that it is an issue. Let DH read the app and don't even look at it - that should somewhat help.

lieutenant_dad's picture

This. As a COD myself, I HATED being the "go between" for my parents. Especially if I thought/knew the request was going to upset one of my parents because then I had to be the one to see their hurt, anger, disappointment, etc.

That's not to say that teens shouldn't have some responsibility in communicating information to parents. School events, work schedules, practices and rehearsals - those things within a teen's wheelhouse solely should be communicated by the teen. Once a teen is old enough to drive, they can communicate that they're on their way.

However, changes to pick up/drop off time (even for teens who drive if it's a change due to the parent), schedule (again, if change is due to the other parent), medical issues, school issues, and other parenting issues that would have been discussed between parents in an intact family OR that are a deviation from the CO need to be relayed by the parent.

You teach kids to be responsible for their own stuff by being an adult responsible for your own stuff. I agree that some parents abuse communication, especially once teens become adults. However, in those instances where communication isn't necessary, you just don't communicate back.

This is not a hill to die on, or get feathers ruffled on.

strugglingSM's picture

I agree to a point on this. I think general schedule changes should be between parents, not kids. However, I think when kids are teens, they should be able to make plans with the NCP without consulting with the CP. Most kids make plans with their friends without clearing them with their CP, so why should the NCP have a gatekeeper.

I also agree with the comments above that most communication when the kids are teens and above is about relevance. We have a situation where BM tries to play it both ways. She likes to tell DH that he doesn't respond to her, so she has to go through the children to communicate. Oftentimes, however, BM doesn't get the answer she wants (e.g. DH will not agree to a schedule change), so she uses Skids as a go-between. This is particularly maddening because BM is always angrily accusing DH of putting Skids in the middle, when he rarely does. The only time this happens is when Skid calls him and says, "I want to go to my friend's house tonight instead of going to yours." DH will say, "okay" and then get an angry text from BM saying, "how dare you agree to a schedule change without consulting me!" BM usually knows about these requests, but she will insist that if Skid calls DH, that he message her to consult. Skids will tell DH that they've already talked to BM and she said it was okay, so it's all just a game. They are at their home, with her, when they are calling DH about these schedule changes, but if he so much as says, "you need to check with your mother on that." BM screams that he is putting them in the middle. 


Rags's picture

For some reason many X's, whether they are XWs, XHs, XILs, etc.... have some ridiculous need to maintain relevance in the lives of their Xs.  Whether the failed couple were breeders together or not.

For my DW, while the SpermIdiot certainly would pitch a shot at reconciling with my DW periodically and would attempt to draft SS into his bullshit (while getting only my DW laughing in his face and my SS setting him straight) it was the SpermGrandHag who lost her shit completely and waged a 16+ year campaign to gain control over my DW and to manipulate my son (SS).

From my own first marriage, it was my XMIL that made the full court press to maintain me within her sphere of influence.  It was odd.  I got birthday cards with $10 in them for many years after her caver crotched adulterous whore of a daughter left me for the geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy.  

4 years after the divorce my incredible new bride, SS, and I moved back to the city where I had the hell experience of my first marriage.  We ran into my XILs at a restaurant one day. From that moment my XMIL tried to assimilate my new family into her family thinking for some odd reason that I would want anything to do, with anything to do with her whore of a daughter and her brood of OOWL spawn with the geriatric sugar/baby daddy.

Nope, not interested.  I would not do that to myself much less to my incredible bride and our son (My former SS who I adopted).

IMHO once an X is an X... they have no relevance whether there are failed family progeny in play or not.


justmakingthebest's picture

Mine are 14/15 and even though they might try to make plans with their dad on my time or me on his, he and I have enough respect for eachother to just to a simple "Hey, ___ said____. Is that ok with you?" 

As long as the communication is directly related to the kid- that is what the app is for. I don't think that is always a try to stay relevent thing, but I guess for some it is. We have to oposite problem. BM won't respond to anything. Not travel (we live 1300 miles away so we are talking flights), not meidcal, not school. NOTHING. She says that she doesn't have to. The judge won't hold her in contempt so... fun times. 

Annasmith's picture

I have been in the same situation. i just straight out put my foot down. i asked him, "do they have cell phones? are you paying for them?" both answers "yes." well then your grown ass children can call you with the lines you're paying for. there is no need for you and her to discuss anything. Unless its an emergency, i dont see the point. and it worked.