I agree it's not normal to hide a relationship unless she knows deep down there is something very wrong with it. 

ETA: I also think there are areas you did overstep, such as the birth control, but I understand that as well, who wants their kid to have to go through an abortion or unplanned pregnancy. I also find it strange at 20 she feels the need to lie about where she is going...unless you are being overbearing there really is no reason to lie. Perhaps she is feeling insecure about her adulthood and feels that by hiding and lying she is somehow conveying to her boyfriend she is somehow more adult. I also don't know the dynamics between you and your bio, just what you have presented in this blog, but maybe take a step back and look to see if there are areas you might be treating BD like she is still a child.

I think you big time overstepped here mom... 

She is 20, she could have used other forms of BC besides the pill or shot. I could never take the pill personally- makes me throw up daily even on the low dose. 

Instead of making her sex life taboo, talk about the kind of man that he is. Is he good to her. Does he respect her. Those are the things I want my daughter to make sure she has in her relationship. Forcing a 20 yr old to get on the pill is over the top. Suggesting that she go for her own health and safety would have been a better 

I think you should apologize to her and tell her that her sex life is hers. You just love her and want the best and don't want her to have to make a hard choice or have a baby until she is ready. 

She's an adult, she's becoming independent - she's trying to break away from you - all normal.  I get that you were really worried she didn't come home - and I would have been if it had been my daughter.  My rule was that if they were staying out at night they had to call in advance and let us know.  But really her sex life is her own business.  I would let her be for a while and I expect in due course she'll resume the relationship with you.   She maybe experiences you as a bit too controlling, considering her age. 

I don't want to worry you but when I was that age and I was becoming secretive from my mom it was because I was camming. I guess the modern equivalent would be onlyfans or something like that. I made a lot of money but I didn't meet some pretty iffy people in the process. You are right to be worried and getting her on BC is a good move.

The way my mom responded when I had similar behavior was to tell me that as long as I lived at home I couldn't be staying out randomly like that and making her worry . If I wanted to do that sort of stuff I would have to move out.

I personally never got into drugs but I would pay close attention to see if she's exhibiting any signs that she is doing drugs or drinking a lot. 

I'm not so sure...

If this is actually her first relationship, I don't think it's weird that she isn't spilling the beans already. She's probably feeling embarrassed that she's a late bloomer in the romance department, feeling insecure because this is all new, feeling excited, and feeling like she's grown enough to manage her own relationships without her parents' intervention. And now she feels ashamed because you reemed her ass for not being on BC yet. Yikes. That could have been handled better.

When ss19 lived with us, him spending the night somewhere and not telling us about it was pretty common. We talked about it and explained the importance of letting your housemates (and in the future/now that includes his roomates) know where you'll be in the event of an emergency. It didn't hapoen so often after that, but...19. It still happened. We didn't spam his phone. We didn't get worried unless we hadn't heard from him in a week. 

She's at the age where she will talk to her peers for relationship advice, not her parents. And perhaps your reaction to her one, single night away from home with a man at 20 years old is why she doesn't talk to you about this guy....

I completely understand worrying that something terrible happened. But its time to loosen those apron strings, mama. 

Really, what choice do you have? She will eventually call or come by.  Dont bring this up.  It is so tough on parents when the kids start to detach and live their lives.  I often think how hard it was for my mom to watch me make disastrous mistakes when I was with my ex.  Actually, it's a gift if you are strong enough to let them live their own lives, some parents arent strong enough.  You say shes a good person with sense.  She will figure it all out.  Good job raising a great kid, Mom, now let her stretch her wings and fly.

I know just how you're feeling. It's so unsettling.

My bio was a good kid, we were very close. She gave me very little trouble as a teenager, until around 18 or 19. She just went off the deep end. Flunked out of college, ruined long-standing friendships, had questionable new friends, and a boyfriend who was very controlling. He had her convinced that her dad and I were terrible people. It was very, very hard.

She broke up with him a couple of times, and finally she agreed to counseling. That was the start of her way back. And I did get her back. Now, she's happily married to a great guy, in a doctoral program, owns a house, and we are again close. And I know she learned some things that I wish she didn't ever have to learn, but it's now part of her strength.

Keep communication open with her. She's an adult, and the more you try to control and question her the more she will pull away. You've given her a good foundation in life, and she will eventually work through this. It's just damn hard.

And give her space.  You have to try to have a relationship with her,  That means not discussing her BF, her living arrangements, what they do.  You must try to accept the BF,   And let her figure it out,

She is going to do what she wants , Its your choice to try to keep comunications open with her or not.  You most likely can not control the outcome of her relationship with BF 

You have to be there when or if things blow up 

Let me tell you a story.  About me.

I was an almost straight A student in high school, took college coursework, then went to college across the state from my parents. Yes, i wanted the distance. At college, my first semester, I had a part time job, a full class load, and was getting great grades.  Loved college and met a lot of people, including guys. I didn't drink, didn't do drugs. My mother tried "catching" me doing things by calling Friday or Satruday nights then complaining I wasn't in my room - um, nope!  Whatever, I called them back on Sundays.  Note this is before cell phones so they rang our dorm room.  My room-mate thought they were a little nutty.

Anyway, I go home for the first holiday. I think it was over a week. I told them I was going out one night to meet up with friends from college who were also from my town. No problem. I was 18, almost 19 now, very responsible. Went out with friends, went to dinner, a movie and then back to someone's apartment where we ate chocolate chip cookies and drank coca-cola and talked about philosophy (LOL we thought we were so smart, right!?).  Around 1:00 am I head home, it was snowing, but not badly.  My car was good in the snow and I learned to drive in it. I got home close to 2:00 am because of the distance and the snow. My dad was waiting up for me. FURIOUS. Why?  Because I didn't abide by my (former) 11:30 pm curfew.  WTH?  Major argument happens - I point out how well I have been doing, who does he think I am, my younger sister has a LATER curfew now so this makes zero sense.  He finally said, "If you live under my roof you live under my rules." I responded, "Ok, then, Never again."

And I never lived under my parents roof again.

I still have issues with them to this day. They don't trust me for I have NO reason why not. They didn't see who I was or that I was growing up and didn't trust me to make my own decisions. If they had listened to me, believed me, and trusted me then I think we would have a much different relationship. 

You need to let your daughter grow up and become her own person. She is 20!  She's making good decisions! You are not going to know every person she has a relationship with and if you act the way you are now, you'll lose any more chances.

Back off and breathe a little. 

Trust her and her judgement. That is all she wants. You raised her well, and now it is time to let go and trust that she has taken your lessons and will apply them. 

First boyfriends usually end in heart break, it is pretty much inevitable she will be hurt, but we all learn how to move on and usually find better relationships as a result. She has to go through the learning curve and the heartbreak in order to find out what she needs in a relationship. 

Most men are not controlling or abusive. Some are, but you have to trust your daughter that she will spot the signs and work it out for herself if he is. You can't protect her any more. So the most productive thing you can do is support her, trust her and get back to a good place with your relationship with her so that if something is off about this relationship she will know you are there for her. 

If she does move back in with you I do think it is reasonable that she let you know if she is not going to be spending a night at home. She doesn't have to say where she is, but she should let you know. After all if you didn't come home one night with no warning, I am sure she would freak out too. 

Just send her a text or message that It is hard to let go when your child becomes an adult.  You just want whats best for her and you will try and not treat her like a child.  You are there for her if she needs someone to talk to with no judgement and only her best interests at heart.  

Give it time, she will come around.  My DD graduated high school and moved out a few days later and there were no arguements or controlling issues between us.    She is 30 now and I have learned to listen and let her learn by her own mistakes and just be there when she does need advice and give it like I would a friend asking for advice.

So... My parents are SUPER religious and a touch judgey.

Unless I know something is serious, you can bet I won't tell them about it...  It's not because I don't love them, but I was teased relentlessly growing up, we were basically taught sex was awful, they put the clause of "except inside marriage" but it doens't feel that way, my sister, who is happily married, told me she feels the same about it a lot of the time becuase of how against it all my parents were.

BUt as someone said above, she may just feel awkward about it.  Just express that you're happy for her and sorry about how you were reacted and that you were just worried and overreacted a bit, then wait for her to come to you.  She will.  Just might take a little time.

My kids are all girls and are 15, 12, 11, and 6 so I haven't had to go through this yet with them.     You know I pretty much hate North Korea and think she's a crap mom.  I usually disagree with everything she does but in regards to her "policies" with SD21 and SD19 regarding "my house, my rules" I agree with her.  So of course she has raised them where they can't launch.  They both live with her right now.  When SD now 21 turned 18 she would spend the night at her girlfriends (she's a lesbian, so not a platonic friend) and she if she didn't spend the night she would come back at 0300 am and all the dogs would bark and would wake everyone up in the household.  So she came up with the rule that SD21 then 18 had to be courtesey of the other members of the household and let her know if she wasn't coming home and that she couldn't just waltz in at 0300 am and disturb everyone's sleep.  I think they butted heads about it and older SD complained to me about it because I hate North Korea and would usually say "Oh yes, she's terrible!!!" but in this case i said to her, "I actually agree with you mom on this.  It's her house, her rules.  Yes you are 18 but it's common courtesy so people don't worry about you and can get their rest."  

Now SD19 flits back and forth from friend's couches back to North Korea's house. Ankle bracelet wearing felon trial keeps getting postponed due to COVID and it's now set for November but he's expected to get 5 years for raping and beating SD now 19.  You may remember she started dating this guy a month before her 18th birthday.  He was dishonorably discharged from the army for beating his pregnant wife and that's why he had an ankle bracelet.  Of course no one liked this guy.  He was terrible.  He beat up a party guest at her 18th birthday party cause the guy who was a hair dresser at North Korea's hair salon turned off the ps4 they were playing cause he said it was time to eat cake. I mean he literally beat the guy up.  SD18 stormed out of the party with him to his parents house and actually took his side.  She then would live in her car on ankle bracelet felon's parents property after curfew cause he wasn't allowed female visitors after a certain time for all summer of 2019.  He got arrested for beating up an old man during a road rage incident in July but somehow didn't revoke his probabtion and she dutifully was by his side through that.  She would pick up trash alongside the road with him while he completed his community service.  They got their apartment together in November and not the first of November either.  He took all of her money, withheld her insulin from her, beat her, raped her, ripped all the hair out of her head (well most of it.  she still has whatever that fake hair is that you add to your natural hair).  They had their apartment together all of two weeks.  her mother paid a crap ton of money for that luxury apartment and furnished it from top to bottom with a furniture package and rugs and then had to sell it all two weeks later and pay a lot of money to end the lease.  This guy was a bad dude.  We all knew he was a bad dude.  We all saw this coming miles down the road.  She would listen to NO ONE.  She's back at North Korea's right now and still calls every once in awhile saying she's fighting with North Korea and doesn't like her rules to which I say to her, "wel  then get a job and go to school and get your own place".  So are you fears about this guy valid?  Could be.  He could be like ankle bracelet wearing felon.  SD19 definitely knew he was bad news. I mean the guy had a pregnant wife and an ankle bracelet!  So of course she tried to hide him from everyone and he was a typical abuser.  He would try and isolate her from friends and family.

So I agree with you 100 percent.  Your DD is the one who needs to apologize and come around to you.  But we all worried about my SD now 19 and we were right too.  Look what happened to her.   

I wouldn't assume staying over at a guy's house = start of having sex. It might. Or they just fell asleep. Or they might have had sex well before she stayed the night. Who knows; it's her business.

Like your DD and others who responded, I was a good kid with great grades raised very conservatively, who liked the freedom to hang out and party once I was out of my parents' home. I generally wouldn't stay out all night when at home for summer/breaks, out of respect for my parents' (mostly implied) home rules. But what I did outside was my business - and I actually never was having sex. Hanging out, getting caught up in late night conversations, drinking enough that I shouldn't drive, sleeping --literally, not figuratively-- with boyfriends, yes. But not having sex (not that it would have been my parents' business if I were).
And if my mom interrogated me on my actions, beyond my behavior in their home -- well, it would have created resentment and distance, and I would have been less likely to ask her for life advice when I did need it.

Point is, I wouldn't assume one way or the other what she was doing that night at this guy's house, nor can you direct her decisions made at any time or location. Though it's hard, I'm sure :(.