DH takes care of ex wife daughter also. Mom is on heroin.
Hello! So I want to start off by saying me and my dh have a wonderful relationship. I get along good with his biological 4 year old daughter, but I don't like his ex wife's daughter who is 8 years old. His ex wifes daughter is too sexual for an 8 year old. She always wants to show her skin and do inappropriate dances. (Her mother is a stripper and teaches her. Ugh). The little girl is constantly on me and all up my ass. I just really want to build a relationship with his bio daughter not this other womans child. I'm really frustrated because I can't tell him not to let the little girl come over our house anymore because that would be wrong so I just bite my tongue and pretend like I'm having a good time. I wish the little girl would go away she literally has her own parents. I don't like that my DH takes care of her when that's not his damn responsibility. I feel stuck in a unhappy situation. I wish it was just me and his 4 year old and him only. He wants to take care of the ex wifes daughter because the mother is in and out of their lives and her dad is a dead beat. I think I wouldn't have any issues really if I remotely liked his ex wife but I don't. Her daughter looks exactly like her and it's like having his ex wife in our home every other weekend. I tell my DH how I feel and he doesn't respond much because he puts that little girl before everything. Even his own damn daughter. Their mother does heroin and she isn't consistently working. She uses the child support he gives her every month for drugs. I am pushing him to get full custody of ths 4 year old baby girl and all he wants is to think about her damn daughter. I just don't understand because she's not our responsibility at all. -Signed a fed up stepmother
Has he thought about what
Has he thought about what would happen if she had an accident or fell ill while in your home? Because he would not be able to take her to the doctor/hospital ...
As long as he interferes in this child's life, her mother will continue to be in and out of her life and her father will continue to be a deadbeat. Time to make them step up.
No I don't think he has
He just thinks off of his emotions. He keeps telling me he promised to be there for her when she was younger. I understand that I guess. I just feel like his baby girl should be his priority not this other child. He's not with her mother anymore. She isn't his stepchild anymore. The girls father won't come around he has never been there and no one knows where he is. The mother keeps having children by different men so she is never around. She has custody but doesn't care for any of her children, it makes me so sick. Me and him recently got married and I don't know if this is the lifestyle for me. All of our problems are because of his ex wife and that little girl. Our relationship was rock solid now, now it isn't plus i'm just depressed every single day.
So they are half sisters?
What happens when the 8 Yr old teaches the 4 yr old to strip tease and 4yr old turns out the same? That's a possibility
Yes they are half sisters
I guess he doesn't care about that. I'm not sure. He just wants to be there for this other little girl. You know what it scares me because she told me one time "I wish I could be like you and be woman of the house and daddy can give me kisses." I was like huh? I told him about that and he dismissed it.
My heart goes out to this 8
My heart goes out to this 8 year old who is likely in need of a positive role model and extensive counseling. I can't begin to imagine the life she has had. That said, she isn't your responsibility (neither is the 4 year old). If your DH wants to assume resposibility for this child, then he should probably take legal steps to become her guardian. And that should be a discussion the two of you have since it would greatly impact your marriage. Has your DH always had visitation with the 8 year old the same as with his daughter? How long did he live with the 8 year old. Did he come to think of her as a daughter? It seems as though you and DH are nowhere near the same page in regard to this situation. Are there compromises that could be made or is this your hill to die on?
He has tried
He already tried to legally adopt her. The mother asked him for the money for the adoption process several times and she used it on something else every single time.
He's been around the little girl since she was 2 years old I believe.
Yes the 4 year old isn't my responsibility either but I want to care for her and love her because she is his flesh and blood.
Their mother won't go through with the process. If he legally adopted the little girl maybe I would feel differently about her.
He has visitation with his daughter every other weekend. Yes the little girls comes along also.
Yes he thinks of her as his daughter.
I'm not sure what compromises need to be made honestly. I can't tell him to make the little girl go away. Nor can I pretend to be her mother. I don't have a ounce of care in my body for her. I understand why he cares for her but to me she is a stranger that stays in our home every other weekend. I guess it's wrong I think like that but I can't help the way I feel.
You're right we are not on the same page. I'd rather him fight for full custody of his biological baby girl so we can give her a better living situation and a better future.
TBH, I kind of admire him
TBH, I kind of admire him for being the kind of man that is willing to stick to his promises especially to a young girl in a vulnerable situation.
AT this point, you can either continue to view her as a negative annoyance.. or you can try to help her become the better sister/woman by giving her a good example and teaching her appropriate behaviors.
How would you feel about him pursuing adoption? HOnestly, it sounds like the best person to approach on that would be the grandma having to care for the girl's kids.. she may welcome the relief of obligation... especialy if he promises to provide her with contact/visits with her grandchild.. and gives the girl a better chance at success.
He also needs to revisit the custody situation with his own child... she isn't living with her mother.. she is living with grandma.. if one parent isn't capable of caring for the child.. then the other parent should have custody.. full custody.. and the mother, in this case should be the NCP.. and probably have supervised visitation given her drug use.
The grandma wouldn't allow that
Their grandmother wouldn't allow that. She thinks if she gives him sole custody of the 4 year old she will lose her. They live an hour and a half away and him and his mother are the inly one's that make an effort to go get them. The girls moms mother won't even drive half way to give them to us so I doubt that would happen.
It isn't her choice really is
It isn't her choice really is it? I mean.. he could fight for that custody..from his EX.. her mother should not have a say in that. The court would be the ones deciding.. he should take his EX to court for custody.. if he needs to generate proof that BM doesn't live where the daughter does.. he should do that.. he needs to talk to a lawyer to figure this out.. it's wrong and the little girl is going to learn the pole moves before too long too.. same mother right?
He could but she has legal gaurdianship over his daughter
I'm not sure how this works but she does have legal gaurdianship so I think she does have a say so. Yes the same mother. Hey the oldest daughter ALREADY knows the pole moves and then some. There's no proof their mom doesn't live with the grandma because that's her permanent address for everything. She always ends up back at her mothers house because she is so unstable.
In addition to this, I think
In addition to this, I think an anonymous call to CPS once they've gone back to their mother's might help his chances of getting custody.
Oh, and I'd like to very much emphasize what ESMOD said, the grandmother has absolutely NO SAY and NO RIGHTS whatsoever in this situation.
I'm on board with the anonymous CPS call
I am on board with that but what will come of it? Right now as far as we know the mother isn't there. She has a new boyfriend (Who also shot himself in the hand at the grandmothers house while the girls were in there room sleeping smh). I doubt cps will do anything because the grandmother's house is nicely put together. They have food and clothing and they aren't getting physically abused.
Well, I suppose it's for the
Well, I suppose it's for the best that things are like that. I'm glad that at least the grandmother takes proper care of them. You're right, a CPS call would be pointless in these circumstances.
Also I know the right thing would be to accept this little girl
I guess I just dislike her so much I'm not even sure where to start. I tried to get counseling help to help me understand my feelings for her but everyone is booked for weeks because of covid. So idk what to do honestly.
I don't mean to
I don't mean to give offense because I know that you love your H but he thought that it would be a good idea to have a child with a drug addicted stripper. Clearly his views of what works in the world and what doesn't is not matched with yours. It is not terribly surprising that he is not upset about an 8 year old learning stripper moves because he probably doesn't see much of an issue with her following in her mother's footsteps. Random children hanging around apparently is normal to him and he is a "good guy" for enabling this woman's behavior. You are not likely to change his mind if that is part of his cultural outlook. To him, you are probably the odd one for being "traditional/conservative" in your views when to most people you are just a normal person trying to live a normal life. It is up to you to decide if you are willing to live in his world.
Well...
Well his ex wife was a stripper when he met her then she became a "Stay at home mom" the only difference is she didn't cook or clean or wash clothes or care for her children. He was in the army and all she saw was dollar signs I guess. She started the drugs later on when they were splitting up. Ever since then her life has been going more and more down hill. We just found out the end of last year is when the heroin started. While they werw together she slept with other men and literally would leave him for weeks at a time and left him with both children. Whenever things get rough for her she moves back in with her mother. I sometimes wonder why he had a child by her also, hell he even wonders the same thing but he says his daughter is the good that came from all of that bad (ex wife). She cheated on him, manipulated him, stole from him etc.. And he gave her chance after chance because of the girls to get right and she would not so that's when he divorced her, when he had enough of her bullshit.
If she slept around so much,
If she slept around so much, how can he be sure the little girl is actually his?
He had a test done
He tested her not too long after she was born I believe. He was already on top of that.
Also.
Also he is very upset the 8 year old little girl is learning stripper moves but he doesn't have a say so. When she is with us she is not aloud to act out in that manner but she will sneak and do it. We catch her from time to time but there's not much we can do if she is with the grandmother 80% of the time. Yes we can teach her but all of what we have taught goes completely of the window when they get home. When they're with grandma they can do whatever they please. When they're with us they have rules to abide by and they don't like that which is why they're always ready to go back home.
To some extent, he does sound
To some extent, he does aound like a "good guy", but OP has to look at this in terms of what the future looks like. If he parents the girls and does not allow bad behavior, and puts OP first as in the "wife" role, and gets both girls some therapy because they live with an unstable stripper on drugs, it may be ok. But, if he is in any way a Disney Dad, it may be a long road dealing with the drug addicted stripper and god forbid, 2 mini wives who pole dance in the house, one of whom isn't even related to him. That is so much drama. Anyone would have issues dealing. This guy needs really good boundaries or it might be hell.
Not to lump all exotic
Not to lump all exotic dancers together, as it sounds like i'm hating on "strippers". But i have known a few and they had major emotional and substance abuse issues and their lives were very chaotic and full of drama, for everyone who came into contact with them. From the description of this BM, she does not sound like someone who is stable but happens to dance for a living.
You're absolutely correct
You're spot on! She is very emotional and unstable. Half of the things we fiind out about her doing like the heroin was because she posts ALL of he business on facebook. She took the post down but we screenshotted it before she deleted it. Also my DH mom has seen her a few times and she says the girls mom has lost a lot of weight and she looks very strung out.
He is a good guy.
Yes, I agree he needs to set boundaries but all he wants to do is play with them and have fun with them when they're over because he barely gets to see them (every other weekend). I just feel like as long as they're both living with the grandmother then their life will be exactly like their mothers unfortunately. I have told him this also which is why I was pushing for full custody of his daughter.
I'm guessing the grandmother
I'm guessing the grandmother raised the mother, so it's not crazy to wonder about her parenting also. Your situation sounds really tough. Maybe couples counseling, and therapy for both girls will help everyone get on the same page and set boundaries. You guys are going to need serious boundaries.
Yes that's very true
Yes that's very true, I wonder about her parenting skills all of the time. Especially since she allows her daughter to come back home to her every time life gets rough because she is 30 years old. She also brings EVERY new boyfriend she gets around the girls and the grandmother is okay with that.
I have tried to talk to him about couples counseling and he thinks we don't need it but at this point it's affecting our relationship so I think otherwise.
I wish we could do therapy for the girls but they're only with us on a weekend so I'm not sure how that would work out. Usually counseling centers are closed on the weekends I think.
True, plus he doesn't have
True, plus he doesn't have any legal rights to the older one. It's a really tough situation.
Yeah, I just think this is
Yeah, I just think this is too much to expect any SP to live with. The OP has a child with this man, but there are just way too many risks here, for all. For one thing, is CPS even OK with this 8 YO hanging out with this man on a regular basis who is no relation to the child? That is the way they'd look at it. If this child is already oversexualized and has learned to see that as power per her mother, she'll be trying to be woman #1 in the household and have control over substitute dad; or, a fews years down the line, accusing him of one thing or another. Or, rather than accuse substitute dad, she could accuse substitute SM--the OP. Then, as others have mentioned above, younger daughter together will pick up much more than you think from the older child.
I think it is truly God awlful what happened to this little girl, this 8 YO. Earlier on, there were many other choices that could have been made for the betterment of the child. Now she is 8 YO and dealing with a drug-addicted mother with a revolving door of men in mom's life. This is always a tough issue, and one that SPs have to deal with more than most would think. People always have the expectation that the most decent "parent," which can wind up being the SP, is supposed to suck it up and take it for someone else's child. The huge problem, elephant in the room that comes into play is where do you draw the line?
Truth is if you are a SP or a non-bio type of parent, legally you have little to no protection unless the court ordered such, and, hello!, what about your own children, your soul, your peace of mind? Very few think of that, and just think you are some skank if you don't want to try to rehabilitate some child that the parents crippled long before you came along. So, unless you are a bio-parent, adoptive parent or foster parent, and know the system well and what you are getting into and what you need to do and are in a position to get some support (and, let's face it, SPs won't get any support), then, contrary to popular belief, you are really in a position where you cannot, yes cannot, take on the responsibility for this child. It could kill you, and it could kill your family.
Yes DH parents think the same way
Yes, DH parents think the same way. They said since she is over sexualized what if the little girl says you molested her? And that is a true concern. Their mother already coaches them to ask me questions about my life. I have NO doubt she would coach the 8 y.o to say "Oh, so and so touched me" because their mother is evil. Like the definition of evil. She uses her children as a way to get even at people and its disgusting.
My husband's ex wife already
My husband's ex wife already had a child when they started dating. She became his step daughter but she was very little and he is the one who raised her. So when they got a divorce, the step daughter became his "ex" step daughter but he would never give up on her.
And I admire that about him and I've never felt like she was any different than his biological daughter, my other step daughter.
However, I would have a problem with the 8 year old being too sexual.
I know you may not want to jump at this idea, but clearly the 8 year old loves to dance. You could tell her, that is not an appropriate way for an 8 year old to dance. Let's learn some dances together instead?
I've tried
I've tried to tell her. The thing is me and the girl was getting close but when their mom decided to come back around, our connection faded. She used to call me mommy and we'd play in kids makeup and everything. Now we don't because that evil witch came back home for a while to play mommy and now she just up and left them again. So now the 8 year old wants my attention again. I don't think it's fair. When her mom gives up on her it's okay to come to me? So when she comes back around I'll get forgotten about again. I tried to be friendly and stuff. I tried to tell her little girls don't act that way but when her mother is around it goes completely out of the other ear. Whatever we teach is forgotten.
I agree with susanm & Idvilen.
Nothing about this situation is normal, or healthy for children. You found this site because you recognize this, and your gut is warning you that it's not safe for you, either. You need to take a HARD LOOK at this man, this situation, your personal standards, and decide if you want to keep living this way. NONE of this dysfunction is your responsibility, and things are only going to get worse.
Your H has shown terrible judgement, and a propensity for low rent people and dysfunction. Do you really think you can remain married to him and not get splattered by the poo? Do you really want your story to be "The girl who married the guy who bred with a stripper"? This guy is screwed for the next sixteen years, MINIMUM. There's going to be constant drama. And since he is apparently fine with his child being reared this way, she is going to become trash, too. These girls will then reproduce and expect a grandparent to raise their kids. Is this really the life you want?
Whether you decide to stay, or need some time to put together an exit strategy, please start documenting. Your H should already have been doing this, but *shrugs*. Get a calendar and a bound, book-like journal. On the calendar, track when each girl visits, and for how long. Include who picks up, who drops off, and locations, Add a star if there's any drama, or the children exhibit any inappropriate behavior. Record that with a dated entry in the journal. Include what actions your H took. Ex: "Saturday, 6 June. I walked in the bedroom and found Little Suzie teaching Little Janie how to twerk and swing on a pole. Suzie was explaining how to bend low at the waist and reveal her chest. DH sat down with the girls and explained that was a grownup dance inappropriate for children, and not allowed in our home. DH then informed BM and GBM via group text of what had happened and asked that they watch for further instances of this inappropriate behavior."
Imagine when the law/CPS shows up at your door because you've been accused of something heinous (and they will). You'll be able to say "We love Little Suzie, and have tried to give her safe harbor and keep the sisters together, but I have some concerns I've been documenting. Would you like to see them?" That journal and calendar may save you.
This.
This.
But also, did this not bother you prior to getting married? I find it hard to imagine this was kept from you before marriage. Did you think your husband would change after marriage?