Sharing with adult children
husband shares our private discussions / matters with adult daughter? More recently and after some recent conflict involving another family member, she wanted to plan a weekend to spend time with her Dad and I ? After very little over 6 months, she came over and her dad told her we would be out of state, she continued to pressure him for details on where we were going, and especially the nature of our trip which was a private personal matter that we agreed he wouldn't share details about. Needless to say after she left there was a discussion about what is and isn't her business that didn't end well. So frustrated I just want to walk away from the whole thing and never look back. This isn't the first and the way it's going won't be the last if I stick around.
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Welcome to the site!
I don't see the harm in spouses sharing some information about general stuff like trips, but NOT personal matters like the state of your relationship. If I thought my DH was inappropriately sharing such things with his daughters that would be cause for concern and a frank discussion.
It would be helpful to know some details like the age of your SD and a little background. If you had agreed with DH that you would not discuss details of your trip with SD and he reneged on this, that would not be OK in my book.
In reply
Agreed, I didn't have a problem with him sharing the basics, the problem came into play when the line of questioning became invasive on her part and she began pressing for more details then if she didn't get the details she wanted she pressed him more. So she planned a weekend she wanted to make plans for us and her and grandson, she is in her mid thirties. I had a very personal matter for which I had to travel two states away and he didn't want me driving the R.T. By myself so said he would go, it happened to conflict with the weekend she chose to take off to plan something with us, She never asked if we were busy until after she took the weekend assuming that we were free that date? When we weren't it upset her apple cart. She asked him with me across the room the conversation was only directed at him, where are you going? He answered with the state, she asked where in that state, he answered with the town, she asked are you going to see family while there ( he has an aunt an hour away), he said yes. She then said oh well we can fly there fir the weekend, we bring her and her son. Keep in mind I was going on a a personal and private matter to begin with. I was ok with the conversation up to this point but a bit shocked when she assumed she could just include her and her son without asking both of us if it was ok to make it a family trip? In any case her questions continued with, well what are you going for? What are you doing there? And continued to the point of prying, being invasive and really not her business at all. My biggest issue is the sharing of our private conversations and they have noting to do with her the conversation is about me and or my husband and I as a couple and more than once in fact more than 4 or 5 times she has come back to me putting her two cents in about matters that do not even pertain to or affect her in any way. It's very intrusive and to be honest I'm quite close to telling him to go have the marriage without me in it. Our kids are our kids not our confidants??
Missed something in reply
one of your questions was if I agreed? In all fairness it wasn't as much an agreement thing, we did however agree in general that he wouldn't continue sharing private details with her the discussion kind of came out of left field in the area of becoming intrusive and not being corrected by him. During my growing years, if my questions with my own father began to veer in the need to know direction my dad would kind but firmly state, " and I am not at liberty to say anymore on the subject", laugh a little laugh then say "now what else would you like to talk about"? Husband can choose whatever form or words he wants with her but the point is there are ways to curb a conversation and take it in a different direction without hurting feelings or betrayal of your marriage. I probably wouldn't be overreacting like this if we're an isolated incident but it's not and it's leaving me with anxiety about what else is he going to be sharing and that's no way to have a marriage, I am certain there are plenty of other things to talk about without including me or our marriage. I spoke to my dad every single day and we never ran out of things to talk about within what was minding our own business.
Any adult would want to know where you were going.
Disney, New York City, L.A. want to know how far away you are. Don’t have to tell them what hotel. And everything your are doing. Don’t have to give them a minute by minute plan.
Ok with general information
When the conversation was at the point of what, state, what town and were we going to stop in and see his aunt that lives an hour away it was all good. No problem, besides we both have cell phones. However my issue was the nature of her pressing for details that were really none of her business and this is a frustration because he continues to share our private matters, private conversations ect.. and she thinks it's her place to interfere, it's really a matter of having enough. I am his wife and I don't pry for details that don't concern me and I certainly wouldn't go back to the person and but into affairs that have nothing to do with me? I can give you one of the examples, I did not feel comfortable with a certain function we were both invited to attend, I did not wish to go and asked nicely that he attend without me this time? When he refused I tried to compromise and requested taking separate cars so I could make an appearance, stay for a reasonable time and he would be free to stay as long as he wished. He thought this was unreasonable but it was a private conversation between a married couple, about a month later she comes over our house, to have a different conversation and informs me oh and Dad told me about the separate car thing and I agree with him ?? WTH does that have anything to do with her? And who is she to agree or disagree in the first place? One example of many. Anyway hope it helps explain my position?
Is this a mutual two way
Is this a mutual two way 'street' here? Meaning your own adult child is not being told any of the where/what about this up coming trip? Or is it just his daughter who is not being told anything?
Absolutely
It absolutely works both ways, I have never and would never share with my own daughter the way he has shared with his our private (even intimate) details, conversations, disagreements ect.. this is completely one sided on his part and my daughter doesn't pry like that. I was raised very differently as was my daughter.
I guess I need more
I guess I need more information on what is being shared, and why you don't want basic stuff like where you are traveling, shared with her.
I mean, he shouldn't be talking about your marital issues or your health issues with her, but if he can't tell her you are planning a trip to Timbuktoo, that would be odd.
That being said, there are some seriously toxic skids on this board that I wouldn't share anything with, so if she's one of them ...
Adding
So in review I guess my post is a bit vague sorry, I was ok with him sharing the basics yes of course, but it didn't stop there, she got those answers but continued to pry for more details in a very invasive manner and he had no issue with it didn't set or enforce any boundaries and this is likely why I have such an issue with it, he has shared private discussions, private matters even on 2 occasions some rather intimate details that had to do with the two of us as a couple and nothing to do with her nor did it affect her in any way. I really don't understand this sharing with your kid on that level and it's not ok and if it continues I fear my only choice will be to end the relationship? They are crossing a boundary, my marriage is with my husband, not my husband and his children, of course our marriage includes our children that's not what it's about but I refuse to have my marriage with him and his daughter.
Some people are just very
Some people are just very private people and don't share anything, other people aren't and will share their plans with everybody. I tend to lean towards more private where my DH will tell everybody everything.
I have learned if I want something kept private I have to tell my DH, this is between us unless I say it can be repeated to other people. He then knows this is something he can't go sharing freely.
Sharing travel plans in my opinion is a good idea, the nature of the travel does not need to be disclosed. I think you are both in the right here and should discuss it further.
Sharing
Agreed, I made it clear or so I thought the first time and the second time I definitely made it clear but he keeps doing it oversharing with one daughter, I've had enough if you read through some of my replies I believe you'll see a bit more the whole picture.
I guess the main issue I see
I guess the main issue I see is that you he had already agreed not to share the info and did anyway.
For the most part yes
After the first three times and me stating I've had it. He said he didn't know what's ok to share but that he wouldn't do it anymore, based on what I saw this time she pries and persists ( and giggles at him) until she gets the information out of him and he can't seem to politely find a way to tell her enough let's talk about something else? That's what my own dad did when I was growing up if I pressed upon knowing things that did not pertain to me? I am just at a loss here. I dearly love my husband but really don't feel I can continue to stay in this relationship should he not figure out a way to set some boundaries and stop the over sharing?
In my case if ss21 comes home from university
and we happen to be on holiday or a mini vacation somewhere hubby will tell him we’re in another state or staying at blah blah suburb or we’re flying to stepmums country (our yearly trip that no skids tag along because its my family only) and since skids claim i’m a stranger along with my kids (their half siblings), then this is a personal trip.
Marital issues at the very most hubby would say to skids that they need to change their behaviour etc because it’s disrespectful and rude to me and my kids how they treat us which they know is me complaining to hubby about their shitty behaviour but hubby would never say anything like “your stepmum threatened to divorce me because you’re such an inconsiderate arsehole”