Help! SS sleeping with BM!!
Please help us! Any advice would be so helpful!
We have mu 6yo SS 50/50. 3 or 4 days with us and then switches. He has never been a good sleeper (apparently). He finally started sleeping in his own bed, all night, when he was 3. When he was 4, his bm decided (very selfishly in my opinion) to have him sleeping in her bed. There seems to be no reason for this as he was, by then, sleeping alone in his own bed all night. He had his own room and own bed at her house and she still did this. However over 6 months ago she moved in with family - 3 bedrooms, 4 adults, 2 children. My SS now does not have his own room or own bed and is sleeping with his bm for half the week.
This situation has now spiralled out of control as he will now not sleep in his bed for more than 60 minutes when he’s with us. He has a great bed time routine and will happily go to bed but then he’s up. And he’s angry. He wants someone with him at all times. Not just in the room- Touching him. I can understand how he feel because half the week he’s sleeping with his mum and he obviously likes the comfort. It’s SO frustrating and damaging both my relationship with husband and SS. Once he’s up, and after some arguing, he sleeps on our bedroom floor. That’s right, a rock hard cold floor. He’d rather do that than be alone. And even then, throughout the night he’s shouting our names.
we have literally tried everything... music, audible story books, sleeping on his bedroom floor (which killed us), keep putting him back to bed (he’ll get up around 40 times per night if we do this), we’ve tried talking to him about it, reading separation books, changing his bedroom round, got him a night light, kept all the lights on, turned all the lights off, we even paid over £100 for a weighted blanket to make him feel like there is someone close to him. NOTHING WORKS!!!
I feel exhausted and that we are just fighting a loosing battle with his bm as she refused to change - even though she COULD get him his own bed if she wanted.
Please can anyone offer any advice??
How about a dog?
I say this with absolutely no evidence that it would work - but it seems it is the physical touch that he is missing. I know it wouldn't solve the underlying problem, but a dog that he could cuddle with would provide physical comfort. I realize there are many things to consider when making a life long commitment to an animal, but the thought came to mind as soon as I read your post, so I thought I would throw it out there.
Oh, I didn’t mention, this is
Oh, I didn’t mention, this is something we’ve tried. We have a Labrador. She’ll go to bed with him but gets annoyed at all the shouting from SS and takes herself off to her own bed. Even the dog’s had enough!!
Really appeciate your input though!
Maybe
a body pillow he can wrap around?
Just don’t allow him in your bed.
If up to DH, the BF to deal with this, this does not mean DH sleeping with DS
Perhaps you’re right, but I
Perhaps you’re right, but I am very supportive of him and my husband has written similar posts elsewhere online. I thought this would be a helpful forum as it’s extremley difficult to find this advice elsewhere. If you search the web for advice on sleeping, it’s all about consistency - something we just don’t have the luxury of.
Cant stop what your BM does.
Cant stop what your BM does. Wait until the boy is in his teens and sleeps with his mom. True story. Anyway your husband has to deal with this.
"Son, please stay in your bed at night. IF You get out, i will put you back in bed".
You couldddddddd give a reward to his favorite activity spot if you wanted to. "after you show me and CharChar you sleep by yourself in your own bed we will go to XYZ, Mid February, OK?. You would really like that right?. Lets put a chart on the fridge to keep track'.
Don't try to take stuff away from him THAT mindset doesn't really work. You have to twist it around a little and reward them with their currency when they do it right.
It's trial and error...
GoodLuck
PS..char char. I know you
PS..char char. I know you wrote about consistancy is something you dont have the luxary of. Well actually you do.
YOU DO have consistancy in the rules you have in your home. Another example is Kids go to school Aug thru June, right? When they come back from vacation the rules are still the same, so teachers remind them. NO running in the halls, use indoor voices, etc etc.
When ss comes to your house your rules are different than moms. Maybe not all but the sleeping thing is a problem now.
Sooooooooooooooo go to a store and get a large poster board. Think of 4 or 5 rules for your home that will not change. 1. No jumping on furniture. 2. No running thru house 3. Sleep in your bed. 4. Put potty sit down 5. toys away by 8pm
Post rules in spot where ss can see them.
oh if bm boo hoos SS doesnt want to come to your house because you have toooo many rules. Remind bm so does the school, so does life. OUR rules are for safty reasons. AND general social manners bm...so, maybe you should use them at your house too
I met SD when she was 6 and
I met SD when she was 6 and she's always slept on her own at our place but still sleeps with BM now at 16. BM has commented that it's strange that we don't allow her in our room. When we first moved in together it was a small one bedroom and the bedroom was my personal place that I could retreat to. I wasn't allowed in my parents room unless invited and I never understood why SD would want to be in ours.
You can have different rules at different houses the kid will get used to the adjustment. Make sure you and DH are consistent and I agree that you should try setting rewards.
My SS11 still sleeps with BM.
My SS11 still sleeps with BM. But he doesn’t even try it here. And if he pulled the ish your SS did, he’d learn real quick. He is too old for that. Good luck!
Talk to his lawyer? Maybe
Talk to his lawyer? Maybe there are rules like “kid must have their own room”. Get informed just so he knows how far he can take this. IE: last resort.. if you can’t get him his own room, I need him to be here and you can have every other weekend.
but before that approach he needs to try talk it out with BM. Lack of sleep and separation anxiety also will affect his school. Maybe a child therapist or family therapist? BM, DH and the kid? Maybe she will listen if it’s form a Dr?
You're going to have to go
You're going to have to go through the same process of getting him to sleep by himself that parents of infants go through. The little darling may have to cry himself to sleep a few nights. I'd suggest making sure his is very active during the day and completely exhausted at bedtime. Swimming is great to wear kids out. No afternoon nap. Read him a story, glass of warm milk or maybe even cocoa then off to bed. Yes he may cry and shout but stick to the same routine until he gets it. It's easier in the short term if you and DH give in but long term it will work. Be the parents!
Exactly what 'still learning'
Exactly what 'still learning' posted - he needs to learn that at 'your' house he has rules - and one of those rules is sleeping in his own bed. Be consistant - have a set bedtime and stick to it. If he keeps coming to your room - keep taking him back - tuck him in. He might cry for a while but let him cry! He'll soon learn. Mostly and I will say it again BE CONSISTENT!!!!!
I would try a weighted
I would try a weighted blanket. It seems like he has anxiety. They really do help. Also, try an essential oil diffuser with a sleepy blend. Melatonin also works wonders!
I will give you our routine.
I will give you our routine. SS has slept with his mom his whole life and comes to our house every other weekend, and he knows when he is at our house, he has to sleep in his own bed. SS is a very anxiou child but we have figured it out. Here is what DH does:
Begin winding down after dinner, bath, then at 8pm, DH has SS brush his teeth, go potty, get water. Then DH lays down with SS and reads him 2 stories. The dog gets in bed with SS. DH tells SS he will check on him in 4 minutes. DH leaves the room and checks on SS every 4 minutes until he falls asleep.
Big tip, make sure you put the kid to sleep at a decent time. It takes SS longer to fall asleep if he is overtired. Kids need around 11-13 hours of sleep at 6 so I would calculate what time he usually wakes up, then count 11-13 hours back. So if he normally wakes up at 7am, he would go to bed anywhere from 6-8pm. Another tip is, earn the kids trust. If you say you are going to come back in 4 minutes, set an alarm and come back in at 4 minutes. Don't say anything other than, "Ill be back in 4 minutes" if he is still awake when you check on him. Reapeat this until kid is asleep. If kid comes out of room, say its time for bed, bring kid to room, lay him down, and say I will check on you in 4 minutes, no emotion, no negotiating, no speaking except for set phrases. Kid will eventually get bored because he is not getting what he wants.
Just my tips, I've done a lot of research on sleep and sleep training because of my own kids, and have used it to help DH cultivate a consistent routine for my SS.