Your boyfriend can't keep girlfriends because his mini wife doesn't want him to.

We regularly see stories like yours on this site. Men like your bf aren't emotionally available, but that doesn't stop them from seeking out women for sex and adult companionship. His idea of a perfect partner is a hot chick who cooks, cleans, is fun between the sheets, and never interferes with his primary relationship - the one with his daughter.

This is the honeymoon period, as good as it gets. So you can stay in dysfunction, rail against a dynamic that has existed for decades, or move on to something healthier.

Especially if you have not 1) had a kid with him 2) moved in with him or 3) married him.  Pat yourself on the back!  Some of us did just those things and it makes it 1000% more complicated to leave!  

Now dump the guy and chalk it up to a learning experience.  

You're not too far in at all. I've been married to my DH for 8 years now...we were dating for 2 years before that. I have a decade in this mess...no kids of my own. Still thinking about leaving. 

You can be a rare success story on this site...if you leave him now!

My story is very similar to yours. I am now 10 years married and the only reason I managed to stay married under these circumstances was because I totally disengaged from SD and my husband respects that boundary I set.

But our lives are split in two: his life with me and his life with SD 31. It has spilled over to his family because we can never see any of them without SD being there. Ergo, I have no contact with his family other than the occasional email because SD can't get in on that.

After all this time, I am finally settled when he sees her -- not fidgeting all day wondering what to do with myself. But it took more than a year to get comfortable that this is how it will be.

SD repeatedly called him to talk about her mother during our honeymoon. SD has screamed awful things at me while my husband said nothing. SD isn't even that great to him and he just takes it.

Trust me, it's hard to love a man who would throw you under a bus for someone who despises you. It's possible, but not easy. It's also hard that he won't even admit she's shitty to me -- nothing she does wrong is ever acknowledged.

I wish I could be in your shoes again so I could choose differently. But don't take my word for it. Spend a little time in the Adult Stepkids forum and learn what you're in for. I won't say it never gets better or it can't change, but why take that chance??? Why climb that uphill battle??? Why choose to always come second???

There's a man out there who won't be split, won't make you feel resentful, won't make you wish you hadn't ignored the flags. Do yourself a favor and go find him! (HINT: he probably won't have kids)

If the daughter has her way, you're just one more name on the long list of ex girlfriends. And the red flags? Those aren't flags at all, nope.Those are battle tanks ready for the long haul this adult woman will wage.

What made you think it was a good idea to move into anything previously owned by this man or this man and his ex-wife? It was mistake number one, on your part. What does it matter that he bought the old family home for his daughter? That's his pre-you life. Nothing he owned or owned pre-you should be considered now yours. IMO, no woman (or man) should move into a pre-established house. You want to erase the ties and go on anew? You start off new. When it's time to want to move in together, it's time to start looking for a new 'our home' , not somebody else's left overs. 

You want it to be all about you and be your home? You start out with t actually being all about you and him and it truly is 'our home' No one gets in the front door without mutual agreement. Because the man and woman both have equal stakes in the home. Where did you live before moving in with this guy?  If you haven't sold it yet, move back to it, alone. 

When and if he becomes serious about a relationship and new life with you, if you're still waiting, he'll know where you are. If you've moved on and pass him, oh well, you're on your way to a life that better suited you. 

Adult daughters who can travel off over seas for three months and live in a house Daddy bought for then, do not need to move into Daddy's current house to "save money" for their holiday trip. Why would she need to move from one free home into another? If you 'bought' that line, the adult daughter likely has a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you next. 

She's a spoiled little girl who Daddy intends to never make grow up and be self sufficient. But she is nothing but the exact same person her parents always wanted her to be and intended for her to. She'll live on Daddy's coat tail under a man Daddy deems suitable and financially worthy of his 'baby girl' emerges to take her off Daddy's arm. 

It isn't going to get better. You number what in girlfriends? He didn't put any of them before his daughter and no offense to you, but you aren't the one he intends to change things for now. 

You told him that when you agreed to date him you would never agree to date someone with kids at home. That was your boundary. He has lied and told you stories to get you to stay.  That alone is enough to leave. 

I can't add anything else that hasn't already been stated. Your boyfriend already has a wife, and it's his daughter. He has shown himself to be a spineless, ball-less coward who is his daughter's puppet. My DH was like this for awhile. Even when things get better, there are still problems that can really derail the marriage.   It takes a huge emotional toll on you.

My SD's are in their 40's and several SM's here have SD's in their 50's, so this won't get better. If the SD was raised believing she was a princess, she will not want to be dethroned regardless of how old she is. 

You mentioned you not having kids and that makes the situation feel worse. There are many of us here who DO have our own children, and the situation is still unacceptable. We wonder why our children don't act like his, and the answer is because we raised our children to be adults, while our SO's raised their entitled snowflakes to have too much power over their lives.

I would run for the hills, and not listen to a word when he tries to get his bedwarmer back. I also think he will move on to the next woman very quickly since he can't keep one for very long. He's already married to his daughter.

I am sorry to say that he will never solely commit to just you and your relationship. It will never happen with a SD like this. She has the control not him. In other words "you are screwed" get out and never look back.

You are dating a 'married man' - emotionally married to his daughter.  This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you do not have kids.  If you did you would still think the relationship between SO and his daughter is not a healthy one because it isn't.  It's called 'Emotional Incest'.  You clearly pointed out your boundaries.  Two years is plenty of time for DH to adjust his priorities and it looks as if there has been no change.  He's still demonstrating that he is not trust worthy.

The good news is that you are not married to this man, or living with him.  You can dump his sorry a$$, wake up in your apartment tomorrow morning, and start a new chapter in your life.  You can even look at this in a positive way - you've had a learning experience - one which you will not repeat.  A year from now you will be thanking your lucky stars.

As one of the male StepMonsters here I find it important to weigh in on this, I have two adult ( I try not to laugh out loud when I say that) SDs and they basically treat me like crap and I also raised them since ages 10 and 6 so I caqn tell you for sure it will not get better. 

You are in a very good position not having moved in or otherwise joined this man's family, move on, there are other men out there with out children at home or without children at all, next time go with your gut.

As for the several comments about us men keeping you women around for cleaning, cooking and sex...............  you may be right in many situations however there are also plenty of men out there who don't need you for those things except for the sex, come on even you all have to admit it's better with a partner 

its all been said by some hardened veterens on here. It gets worse. How you feel now will intensify if you stay with him. Chances are an enmeshed duo like your BF and precious angel who calls the shots, will get worse if you become more serious. You will give him chance after chance, because one time he gives you lip service that he is straightening things out. Dont believe it. I say that because you indicate he keeps contact and messaging with her from you. Thats a cheaters MO. You are just the other woman he has sex with, thats the only thing he cant do with her. Oh that and be his maid, precious poopsie doesnt do that either.

Maybe I have become cynical, but honestly save yourself from this sick twisted dynamic. There should be a law, like on cigarette packages. Divorced daddys with daughtersare bad for your health.

hi - i am 48 and have been in a relationship with a man for two years now too and just recently broke up with him for the same exact reasons.  it Is very hard to move on - believe me i know.  you keep thinking something will change - in my situation, it's only gotten worse and i get pissed and then blamed for being the bad one when i can't stand her.  she is 22.  keeps moving in and out of daddy's house cause she can't keep a boyfriend.  geez, wonder why?  i know what you are going through.  he keeps trying to get me back - but i think it's gone too far this time.  i'm trying to keep my distance - i feel as if he will replace me quickly too.  i am trying to find someone too honestly to keep me busy or occupied so i can move on and over him!!  it's a horrible feeling and it's really very emotionally tolling and abusive in my opinion. 

hugs - if you need to private message me, please do.

They've had years together to develop their sick dynamic. You're fairly new on the scene, and it will take enormous strength and courage for your SO to change the script with his daughter.

But if you do want to give it another try with him, you must set your boundaries. What do YOU need to be happy? No lies about your presence, or existence, and honesty about your relationship would be a really good start. Make it about you and what you need, not about his little angel or even him.

You know, my DH and his daughter sometimes talk and text multiple times a day. I PREFER that they do it when I'm not around. Although it does irritate me that if one of his kids calls he not only leaves the room but goes outside into the driveway or yard to talk to them. It's weird. But I don't ask about it--I just go on doing what I was doing. If we were watching a movie, I don't pause it to wait for him. If we were doing some task, I'm on to the next task, and you can bet that one won't involve him. That is one of the beauties of disengaging. And I have a decent relationship with his kids--probably because I did disengage from all the drama.

Sounds like you aren't living there right?  Honestly.. this probably isn't the relationship for you because he is already involved with his daughter.. a bit yucky and maybe a chaste relationship.. but she has way too much power in that home.  I don't think it's worth your time to try to change two adults set in their ways.

You told him it would be a deal breaker for his kid to live with you but you allowed it anyway. Big mistake. That would have been a hill to die on for me.

I don’t have bios either but had two of DH’s sons living with us indefinitely without my consent. I wish I gave him boundaries before we married - no adults coming no back to live with us. Would have saved a lot of angst.

I would talk to a counselor if you are struggling with staying or leaving. Not sure it will get better unless he gets counseling himself and you stick to your boundaries.

Beastofburden, Don't give up just yet. Your relationship could end up stronger if your BF is truly serious about his relationship with you. it really sounds like he wants to include you in family functions and is trying to make you happy and your relationship work. But, at the same time he is trying to make his DD mini-wife happy too. What he should not do is to try and appease the mini wife at the expense of your relationship.

When I first met my now DH, his adult DD also acted like a mini-wife and would not accept daddy dating anyone. She called him multiple times every day and he usually called her right back. She was in her late 20's.  She did his laundry, bills, planned his weekends, etc., even though she lived far enough away she was at his place every weekend, holidays and days off. To top that, adult SS's who lived elsewhere, manipulated the rest of my then boyfriend's time. It was a turnoff to see this grown man being manipulated by these selfish adult spawn. They could not stand to see daddy with anyone. They lost their mother a few years before that and they refuse to this day, to allow anyone to be married to DH. It is actually warped in that these adult skids cannot move on, even years later, and be happy that their father and I are so happy together.

Their hatred of me and daddy's relationship with me continued. His adult spawn excluded me from everything they could and made plans all the time for my BF to do things with only them during his free time. They came and went at his home and took things whenever they wanted. They were always disrespectful to me. They tried to split us up many times. The list goes on and on. 

like you, I felt it was not my place to expect him to stop being a puppet to these adult spawn. I never expected this when we first met and I thought if I was nice to them, even when they were rude to me and my DH, they would come around and play nice. My DH would tell me things to just be patient and they will get use to it. 

Long story short, it got to the point of interfering in our relationship. We could never make plans or had any privacy. So, we started making plans to go away, day trips, things like that. After a couple of years, I also grew a backbone and stood up for myself and told the adult SD off, made it clear to my then BF I didn't sign up for this B.S. and told him I would never move in with him where he lives, as I have a place of my own I worked hard for and intend to keep.

My now DH and I are happy. We are at the point, at least for now, where the adult skids hate and disrespect is not tolerated by either of us. They are not welcome where we live, as we are not welcome around them as a couple. They use the gskids as pawn on DH. They will always blame me for their strained relationship with DH, and they have poisoned many relatives to believe the same.

In a good relationship, each partner respects the other and expects only respect for the other from other people, no matter who they are. And, yes, people actually change usually to some degree when they are in a serious relationship: they might take up new hobbies, try different foods, see new places, move where they live, meet new friends, and yes, try and make their significant other happy.

Don't lose hope. It may work out in the end.

Trust me, I didn't put up with adult skids BS for too long. It was unexpected, and I hoped their attitudes would improve. When I realized they were just not nice people, I was done with them. My DH is done with them as well. My family didn't treat DH this way. 

What I realized was that I cannot change other people's behavior toward me, I can only change how I deal with it. If DH wanted to continue to live with adult spawn controlling all his free time at the expense of our relationship, I was done. I made it clear I was never going to put myself in a situation where I was going to be disrespected by his adult spawn. 

What I am trying to say is that if my DH made a conscious effort to put our relationship first and cut the puppet strings his adult spawn were controlling him with, perhaps your SO may do the same. 

It wasn't lollipops and rainbows early in our relationship. I wanted to be done with it more than once. Because we love each other, we worked it out. Maybe it helped that my DH was raised in a family where the wife is not disrespected by anyone, so he does not take kindly to me being disrespected.

It sounds like your SO needs to grow some and explain to DD how he feels about you and your relationship and he will accept nothing less than you and his relationship to be treated with respect. Who cares if she doesn't like it. You can always totally disengage from her.

Good luck with everything.

Wow!  First let me say, I feel badly that you are going through this emotional turmoil.  Not knowing your entire situation, I am not going to give you advice.  I will be short and to the point of what I would do and what I did do. 

You have to get your mental state in check.  It seems you are an emotional wreck.  I used to be exactly where you are.  Stop!  Take some serious down time mentally.  Stay away from the situation for quite some time, whatever it takes to settle your emotions down. 

I took time to look at my life and worked hard to figure out what "I want" my life to become.  I made myself slow down and give it time to clear up in my mind.  If you begin to think about your DH and his DD, please think about or do something else to make the thoughts leave your mind.  This process is the most difficult part of beginning in the right direction.  

I sat goals for myself, first mentally.  You will have bad moments, bad hours, bad days; begin again and work harder at clearing your mind.  DO NOT THINK ABOUT your DH and his DD's relationship.  I made it my problem, it is their relationship; you have never been a part of it and you will never be a part of it.  I just let them have it.  

Now, I had to decide what I wanted for a relationship and move forward from this point.  Patience is learned.  Goals are very difficult to stick to.  Your mind will race and give you fits; I forced myself to control my emotions.  I took hours and hours of private time and I cried privately.  I still work so very hard at the mental and emotional issues; but I have them in check 100% more than 5 years ago.  

Self healing is a very long and continuous process; but until you do this, you cannot make rational decisions.  Disengagement does not come with one step of "just doing it".  My life is different today, than when I married this man; your life will always be changing, you have control of the direction.  You have control, only if you take control.  Don't expect anything to be right over night; I work on it a day at a time, sometimes a minute at a time. 

I grabbed my boot straps and moved forward with my emotions in check, this was my priority.  I did this, so I know how difficult this goal is.  But you can do it.  Begin with patience, even though you are short of them.  I don't believe anyone is less patient than I am; I took control of my emotions, thus taking my life back.  I will have to work at these goals forever, but I am calling the shots, not DH nor my SD57.   

My story is long and I won't post all the details; I have posted here before.  I have been married 38 years and refuse to give my situation up to my SD57.  I am not advising you to leave or stay; your life has to be what you want to make it.

I will advise you to stay here for support and keep us posted.  This is the best supporter you will have.  I read here every day and will never leave here.  ((((hugs))))

Honey, please listen to me.  I put in 13 years of trying everything in the world to save a relationship where the step daughter made life miserable.  Walk away now.  There is NO GETTING BETTER.  It will only suck the life out of you and please don't think your situation is different, that your relationship is different, etc.  It's not different.  These situations are all the same.  Get out of this ridiculous circus and live a happy life.  You don't want that life I promise!

I have 2 adult step daughters now but the difference is their father knows what assholes they are and doesn't want to be around them either.  Even when the dad isn't in a sickening codependent relationship with their kid it can cause a stressful dynamic sometimes.

All though I feel for you, you still need to let the man have time with his kids, but tell him that if you two are to work he needs to cut the umbilical cord already so you two can grow. Pick certain days that you you two have together, and days where he gets to spend time with his kids. I honestly can't stand my wife's kids either, they annoy me bug time, but I deal with it because they are her kids. 

Big***

Its a difficult situation, but you can leave end the relationship, what is making you put up with so much crap in your life. end it. the daughter has mental illness.  Move on. Nothing will change the relationship between father and daughter was set years ago. The strain of trying to get any respect and be in control will wear you out and make you miserable and ill. They are blood you are not and I would suspect you are being sidelined and used. Men are not very engaged with family issues and opt out of conflict most leave the mother to deal with the emotional stuff, if daddy is getting attention from his daughter and girlfriends and tug of war is going on he will love it, it makes him centre of attention, meanwhile you and SD are left unhappy surrounded by negativity caused by him, Decisions made to have children, rules, boundaries, love etc was set before you came on the scene, it cannot change over night, I am sure when you leave another unsuspecting girlfriend will be found, because that is all you are, fun on the side for him. Do not get addicted to negativity, they do not care about you and it will not get any better rescue yourself. Take a holiday, find your self, and ask your self this question if you met his daughter in another situation would you like her maybe not. so get her out of your life and let her win, who cares, plenty more fish in the sea. It will never be repaired. run Run run and my best wishes go with you for a happier life.

It will only get worse.  It won’t matter how old she gets, she will still control him and in turn, your relationship.  The problem is not SD the problem is him. I have spent 15 years with DH who cannot align himself with me. Talking makes it worse. Counseling did nothing.  This is your future unless you leave the situation now.