Drama - Teen Girl Edition
Note that this isn't SD15 causing drama in OUR life, just that she's full of that typical teenage drama. Also note that we are long-distance NCPs who see SD15 3 times a year on a good year - DH saw her for 5 weeks in 2010. Two of those weeks I was in Afghanistan, so I only saw her for 20 days, all at MIL's.
SD15 is almost a caricature. She's the fat, funny, loudmouthed, best friend. She's a band geek who reads a lot (rarity in today's world, no?) and writes poetry and fiction. She also has the usual teen angst; backstabbing friends, having the principal's kid on her case, liking boys who don't like her - you know the drill.
BM called DH this afternoon. According to BM, SD15 is rude to everybody, sullen, closed off emotionally, full of anger, and has stated repeatedly that she wants to run away.
BM is getting close to the end of her rope. She must be; at Xmas she swore that she would never ever allow DH to have an opinion on SD15's discipline, and even threatened to withhold visitation. There is NO WAY we could ever offer to take custody; BM would see that as an insult, no matter that we don't have any other kids around and can focus exclusively on SD15. Not to mention, I don't know that it would be logistically possible.
As of right now, DH told SD15 to call us sometime this weekend. He emphasized that she's not in trouble with us, but that he wants her to talk to us about what's wrong. She has a tendency to talk to us more freely.
What the heck do I say? I'm worried about the running away comments. This has been a theme for about six months now. At the same time, she won't come with us voluntarily. Since we can't actually DO anything... Any words of wisdom from the moms?
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Comments
Okay, I'm no expert but she
Okay, I'm no expert but she sounds like such a normal teen girl. I remember being dramatic and full of woe and I turned out fine. Not sure you can do anything honestly since you aren't with her, but it is so normal.
It does sound normal. At the
It does sound normal. At the same time you don't want to underestimate it. One of the students at the high school I teach at killed himself last week. His mom was a teacher there and said he had normal teen problems and was bullied and picked on a bit. She was the one that found him. Worst case scenario obviously, but this girl needs to realize that you guys care about her and that your home is open if she wants to come stay for awhile. Maybe she will turn you down but I think that it would be an appreciated gesture. Is there any way your DH could go visit her? If she talks to you guys more freely maybe you can help her through this. Btw, I was the fat band geek. We don't turn out too bad! Lost some weight and I'm musically talented to boot!
I know it's pretty normal - I
I know it's pretty normal - I was the skinny band geek and grade nerd who was pretty tormented too. I was also angry at the world for years and years. I do know where she's coming from, but she sees the confident, capable adult that I've become in the 21 years since, so I don't know that she'll believe me.
The threats to run away worry me. She first told me that over Xmas, and I looked her in the eye and told her that if she did, while she looks 18, (i.e. old enough not to be stopped by cops and returned home) she's not, has no resources, and would end up hooking on the streets for food. Her friends are telling her the same thing, so there's that. I also told her that if she did run away and ended up calling us, we would have no choice but to send her straight back to BM. This may have been counter-productive, but we constantly tell her that she is 100% welcome at our house - but we *have* to go through the process and she has to state her preferences to a judge. I don't think she'll do that. At one point I flat out asked, "You're never going to come live with us, are you?" and she admitted that she probably wouldn't.
I'm just at a loss; I want to say the right things, but I don't want to make any promises I can't keep. BM would fight like a tiger if we even suggested changing custody; in her world, DH is abusive and changing custody would be a spiteful and dangerous (to SD15) act.