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How Should This Situation Be Handled? Please Help!

AnonymousMe's picture

Submitted by AnonymousMe on Thu, 10/21/2010 - 12:07pm

I have a 13 y/o SD that my husband just got full custody of last year. She has become extremely jealous of me, whether its the clothes I wear and buy, the new Ipod I get and most importantly, the time I spend with her father. No matter how much time he spends with her, she HATES any time him and I spend together. As a matter of fact, she tries to not let us spend time alone. Yesterday while my husband was showing me something on the computer, she was sitting on her bed (the computer is in her room because we live in an apartment and theres no other room for it) writting on peices of paper, crumpling them up and throwing them on her bedroom floor. My husband and I ignored it. This morning after she left for school I got up to read those papers that were crumpled on the floor. There were two of them and this is what they said:

Letter 1: She drew a picture of me with a huge nose and a massive gut.. and the letter said: "Daddy I feel like it's a competition between me and "it". I can't take it anymore. I hate "it". I know that's not how I was raised but she brings the ugly dark side of me. I don't like it. I'm sorry daddy. I really am. -Love your baby (insert childs name here)

Letter 2: Side 1: "SHE NEEDS TO GO AWAY!!! FOREVER!!! STUPID!! I HATE "IT"!!!! WHY???? Why do I dislike "it"? I feel like it's a stupid game with "it"! I hate it! It's stupid and immature! "It's RETARDED!!!"

Side 2: It says, "I HATE IT!!" and there is a drawing of her SHOOTING A GUN at a face which eyes are X'd out.

I've been in this girls' life for 8 years. It's not like I am a new girlfriend. My SD will intentionally do something to make me mad when her dad is not around and then when I walk away, she'll ask her dad, "why is she mad?" Or when she does something and him and I start to fight, she'll ask him when I'm not around, "Daddy, do you guys fight because of me?" He feels BAD for her when she says this and I get the third degree even though shes intentionally doing it! SHe manipulates the situation and I CANNOT gete him to see it!!!!!!!! I told him about this letter. He said the gun one needs to be put in his drawer and will be addressed tonight. In my eyes, she needs councelling and needs to be punished for one, referring to me as an "it"because its rude and disrespectful and TWO drawing a picture of killing someone!! That is not normal! I am distraught here! Can someone please tell me how to handle this situation!!!!!

Comments

LizGrace65's picture

Submitted by LizGrace65 on Thu, 10/21/2010 - 12:23pm

Why only the gun one? The girl is 13, talking about excessive feelings of competition with her father's partner and at the same time calling herself "your baby." She needs some counseling to resolve her Oedipal/Electra issues. She's not resolving them sucessfully on her own. You entered the picture around the age she should have started to deal with this - it can resurface in early adolescence and maybe is compounded by insecurity due to her parents' divorce. But what she's saying there is really NOT normal.

The second note is a threat to act out on these abnormally strong competitive feelings with you. It should be dealt with. But if the content of the first note is NOT addressed, it won't solve the problem.

Show the notes to the school psychologist - see what he/she thinks.

L

WunderNinja's picture

Submitted by WunderNinja on Thu, 10/21/2010 - 1:00pm

Deleted

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Thu, 10/21/2010 - 4:17pm

That's really unpleasant, and must have been so hurtful for you to read. In all honesty I doubt you're in danger, except from being bludgeoned by teen sulleness and rudeness. Your DH does need to take this seriously, not only because living with that kind of hostility is placing unreasonable stress on you, but because his daughter is clearly angry, miserable and confused. At 13 she is on the cusp on womanhood and adrift in hormones, unless he addresses her issues now she is going to begin acting out in more and more destructive and worrying ways.

As a SM is can be hard to get DH to see the light because of the seemingly inevitable defensiveness and guilt which often goes hand in hand with being a divorced father, so focus on the outcome (which should be getting her into counselling and/or having family counselling) rather than the means. By which I mean say what you have to get that to happen - avoid critising her, avoid making it into a choice between you and her, avoid historical criticisms of his or her behaviour (believe me I know how hard this is). I suggest telling him:

-the notes show your daughter is unhappy and angry
-she is 13, she is at a difficult age, she has had a lot to deal with, she needs help
-if you do not manage her boundaries now there is a danger she may end up exhibiting more aggressive, destructive behaviour and as she gets older it will get harder to address that (frighten him - drinking, smoking, looking to boys for escape, teen pregnancy, drugs etc). Let's act now to make sure there's no risk of that happening
-the notes show she does not respect me, or our relationship. I cannot help parent her effectively, and keep her safe, if she does not respect me
-as her father you are instrumental in showing her right from wrong, and showing her how you expect her to behave towards others
-I want her to be happy here, we need to work together for that to happen and I need to feel I have your support

Then try to agree a 2 part approach - grounding to convey consequences for behaviour, counselling to address her feelings. Don't allow her to drive a wedge between you by making you argue over how to address her behaviour. Agree what you're going to say. If you sit down with her together, firmly but calmly confront her about those notes and the feelings that lie behind them, tell her that she will be recieving counselling and that x privileges will be withdrawn in the meantime, it will take the wind out of her sails, and she will see you as a unit. If you rail or get upset and angry she will smell weakness. See her as what she is, not an enemy or an equal, but a troubled child going through puberty who needs calm, firm, consistent handling. Good luck.