SD5 gets her kicks from bullying a 2 year old
So, I had noticed my SD5 bullying my DD2 when she was over for her EOW visits. I had brought the issue up to my DH, and he had ignored it. Now that it is summer, my DH has expressed his desire to have his daughter over to play with her siblings (he has 3 from 1st wife who we have full custody of & have no contact with BM & we have 2 together). At first, I was all for it! A great opportunity to see her siblings and not have to sit in front of the TV all day at her mom's house. Well, after the first attempt, I am singing a different tune.
We had her for a few days during the week, and my DSDs (12&11) brought to my attention the fact that their 5yo sister was making nasty comments about my DD2 and doing mean things to her when they were playing together in the room. I decided I would quietly observe the two of them together. Sure enough, I heard my DD2 crying very loudly in her sister's room, and when I went in, SD5 was laying on the ground and my DD2 was standing over her. As soon as SD5 saw me, she opened her hand, and it was full of pennies. DD2 had been laying pennies on the ground, and picking them up, laying them down and picking them up. Apparently, SD5 thought it would be fun to grab a handful and laugh when her little sister cried because she wouldn't give them back. (DSD11 was in the room and privately let me know what happened). I told SD5 to try to be a good example to her little sister, to be loving and kind to her so she knows how to treat others. I said this in a very kind way, and only after I told DH (who just laughed and went back to surfing the inernet.) I had also observed SD5 putting her feet on things my DD2 was trying to pick up, and loudly exclaiming "DD2, WHAT'S WRONG? STOP TRYING TO HIT ME!"
After bringing these things up to DH, and asking him to please talk with SD5 about how she treats her little sister, there has been no change in behavior because DH HAS NOT TALKED WITH HER! (Please keep in mind, this behavior is nothing new. I have been noticing it for several months)
After this incident, my DH got a call from the Elephant when he was at work. "I thought you were off on Mondays." "No, I always work on Mondays. Why, what's the problem?" "Welllll, I'm just concerned SD5 is getting mistreated because of DD2. She said she gets in trouble all the time."
People, I HAVE SAID TWO THINGS TO THIS CHILD CONCERNING MY TWO YEAR OLD:
1. Do not hit your sister. Do not hit ANY of your siblings. We do NOT HIT at this house.
2. Be kind to your sister. Show her how to love others.
So, guess who is in trouble? That's right, friends, I AM. I cannot say anything to SD5. But, if left up to DH, nothing is said and our 2 year old has to suffer. I am now starting to make plans so I can take my DD2 and DS2mo on errands and to visit family and friends while SD5 is over.
I have been going through this for 3 and a half years, and nothing is changing! And now, SD5 has also started refusing to speak to me when she is over. If her dad is around, she will say things like, "Wow, that's a cool shirt." or "I like your food." But when dad is not around, she will not acknowledge me. I can be in a room with her, and she will walk upstairs to ask her siblings to get her something before she'll just turn to me to ask. I am so confused and don't know what to do. I hate the thought of taking my children from the comfort of their home for two days, but I feel like they have to be protected from this bully! And I need to preserve my sanity!
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Thank you for your comment! I
Thank you for your comment! I appreciate you taking time to help me with this problem.
I only feel like I need to leave because my DH won't do anything to correct this behavior. As I stated, I encouraged my SD to be a good example-there was no yelling, no criticizing, and no fit throwing. Even though I addressed the matter calmly, there was still backlash from the BM. If I cannot do anything, and my husband will not do anything, does my 2 year old have to suffer mistreatment at the hands of her sibling?
Also, I feel as though we hardly deal with this kind of behavior until my SD5 comes over. My children are not perfect, but they are kind and loving to one another more often than not.
I just feel so torn. I don't want to remove them from their home, but I don't think it's fair to allow this to happen. It would be completely different if I could address the behavior, but I am not allowed!
I love this comment!
I love this comment! Vick...you are so right! Why DO we feel we like we need DH's blessing???
I do too. Vickie is on fire
I do too. Vickie is on fire with wisdom today.
i was a tiny child and my
i was a tiny child and my older siblings would take turns body slamming in onto various pieces on furniture.it stopped the day i hit my head on the bedframe and got knocked out.i thought my mother would kill them:)
^ Agreed
^ Agreed
Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time to give me advice. I appreciate it!
As I stated, I encouraged SD5 to be a good example, and my DH was contacted at work by BM. Part two of her backlash was withholding SD5 from her father on Father's Day. My DH expressed his desire to have all his children on Father's Day, and BM said he could have her if "they were back in time." (Back from spending time with her boyfriend.) He did not even receive a phone call from her. (I understand it was BMs responsibility to remind/allow SD5 to call. I feel like this was his punishment for what happened.)
I don't want my DH to have to go through things like this. If I am not around, there can be no opportunity for her to mistreat DD2, and no reason for me to discipline her.
In addition, I know he feels a lot of guilt because she does not live with us, and she is allowed to get away with a lot more than anyone else. I brought the behavior to his attention, and he just laughed.
You need to nip this in the
You need to nip this in the bud. My Older step brother used to pick on me and my younger step brother until he landed me in the hospital getting stitches when he shoved me into a bed post and almost poked my eye out. I still have the scar above my eye. It doesn't get better unless the parents step in, some parents think its just kids being kids, normally I agree with some sibling rivalry and don't get involved as it's better to have the kids work it out,but at the point it gets physical you need to step in sounds to me that this is at a point you can't let them work it out and you need to step in and stop it.
There is a visitation
There is a visitation schedule in effect, and your question raises another point. DH, half the time, acts like he could not care less about SD5 coming over. Her mother has canceled many of my husband's weekends. It would be 5PM on his Friday, and we would get one of these;
"SD5 is spending time with my boyfriend's parents."
"We have dinner plans, she can't come this weekend."
"My friends are in town, you can't have her this weekend."
This has happened numerous times, and DH just says okay. He says he's just keeping the peace, but to me, it looks as if he doesn't care if she's around. I wonder if he's scared to get into a legal battle with her, because we just shelled out a lot of cash because of his ex wife(mother of 3 older kids). Or, does he really just not care? most of the time, a make up weekend is not scheduled.
Also, I have full authority
Also, I have full authority over the five children who live in my home. I am able to reward and discipline when necessary. My DH says he supports my disciplining SD5, but when it comes down to it, I'm made to feel bad. I love my DH very much, and he is a wonderful husband and father in every respect. This is, honestly, our only rough spot. He said he let BM know she is not treated any differently than any of her siblings, and that I am not unnecessarily harsh with her. But, when it comes down to it, he has not said anything to SD5 like I asked him to. This tells me he places more importance on keeping her happy than protecting all of his children. I don't know how else to address it with him. I said, "She has not been very kind to DD2. Could you please talk with her about it? I know she will respond best if you speak with her." In addition, I encouraged my older daughters to be a good example to their SD5 with their behavior, so she sees how she should treat others.
Again, Vickie is dead-on
Again, Vickie is dead-on absolutely correct with this. I've been through this myself and it DOES get worse. My SD19 physically and emotionally bullied everyone in the house for years (including me and a former GF of DH's). You live in the house too- do not be afraid to make your own rules for what is acceptable-I wish that I had done it much sooner than I did.
Sounds like Miss 5 is at the
Sounds like Miss 5 is at the bottom of the pecking order and has found someone who is below her.
I wouldn't let her play alone with Miss 2. I would tell Miss 5 that seeing the 2 of them cannot play nicely they cannot play alone. Which is sad because you want them to play nicely and no fighting or tears.
When the BM calls saying Miss 5 is being picked on, the answer is "By a 2 yr old? A 5 yr old cannot get away from a 2 yr old?"
Also have a little word to Miss 5. Tell her that she can continue ignoring you however this means she may miss out on stuff in the future. Like icecream or treats or choosing a movie to watch.
She has a choice.... ignore you and disobey you and miss out or be nice and have fun. It would be a shame for her to miss out on a craft afternoon because she was being mean and rude wouldn't it?
Nothing little girls like more than throwing glitter and pink paint around.
I wonder why her 11 yr old sister didn't intervene and stop her sister from being mean?
I think your DH has to have a little upervisory time of his own. Too often the parenting job is relegated to the woman because, well, that is what we do. Mother/Superviser/Referee/ UN Peace Ambassador. I would tell DH you are going out for a few hours and he is in charge. And 'accidently; leave your cell phone behind. No one will die but your DH may realise you are right.
Don't let a prima donna drive you from your home. She is very squishable. You just need to beat her at her own game. Give the 12 and 11 yr olds autonomy to referee if you can trust them. Then Miss 5 will run out of people to play favourites with.