I can't find a place to live. (Cuss Words Are Used)
DH and I decided to separate. His son ruined our relationship and DH let it happen. I would never make DH choose between his son and I, so I am leaving. I have been looking for a place to live for 3 days. NO LUCK (I either can't afford it or I cant have a dog bigger than 25 lbs.). I have a dog and getting rid of him is not an option. So for the last 3 days while I hide in our home because everything is AKWARD to say the least, DH has taken a fucking interest in his child finally. They are all happy and laughing, playing video games together, DH bought him some drawing stuff from Target, DH is cooking dinner...They are one big fucking happy family. Im alone, as usual. The only difference, they are happy. Maybe if DH actually did anything with SS before we decided to separate, things would be different. Maybe SS acts out because neither of his parents give him any attention. Fuck it, not my problem now. I am just so angry. My DH told me he didn't want me to leave. He does love me, we just can't work it out. DH won't get his son help and SS is still acts like an ass. So now I am living walking on eggshells feeling even more like an outsider in my home. I just wish I could find a place I can afford and that will let me have my furry baby.
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if you're leaving anyway --
if you're leaving anyway -- fuck walking on egg shells, it's still your place, too.....
i'm sad for you, but don't let them put you down moreso... is dh willing to help you out on the new place ~~ deposits/movers/a little towards rent every month?? is it just a separation or do you believe divorce is fastly approaching??
good luck to you!!!
I don't know if DH will help.
I don't know if DH will help. We are being civil. He isn't being a jerk, Im just mad it came to this. I would rather do things on my own anyway. I feel weird asking him for help. This is a separation to divorce. It isn't going to work.
i understand preferring to do
i understand preferring to do things on your own --- but the older i have gotten i realize in several instances i cut off my nose to spite my face by being so "i can do it all by myself" ~~ seriously, what do you have to lose by getting him to help you?? you're moving and upsetting your life, not him.... what about all the contributions you've made to the household he gets to keep??
don't let pride make you settle for less than you deserve!
i knew you were going to say
i knew you were going to say that, lol. i am sick about all of the contributions i made and about the house and yard and garden, ect. that im going to lose. he knows he owes me, i would just rather get out before discussing all of the details. i guess i will try asking him when i actually find a place.
Pantera - I feel like I've
Pantera - I feel like I've "known" you for a while thru this site, and I am sorry to see it has come to this. I truly feel for you.
Your DH is doing this now with his son, but how long will that last?
A place will come up..... just try to stay strong...
I am trying to stay strong.
I am trying to stay strong. It is really hard. When we do see each other I want to kiss him and punch him in the face at the same time. I really appreciate all of your advice. Even when you don't post on my blogs, I read your advice to others and it really does help or make me look at things in a different way.
Pantera - girl... I have just
Pantera - girl... I have just been reading your past blogs to catch up, and I wish I could just hug you and take you out for coffee. I am so sorry for all that you have been through.
I really don't want to see you sad, or hurt... but unless DH changes or sees his son for what he is - a VERY troubled child - your hands are tied.
When you wrote that Dh and SS were playing and "happy"... believe me, it won't last. Just reading your past blogs - it wont' last. SS may think he has manipulated the situation, and he may even be behaving somewhat for DH right now, but the kid won't be able to play that game for too long.
And the same thing with your DH. He doesn't realize how much you have done for him, for his child, for your relationship.
In my opinion, don't you even think twice about your DH finding someone else. In theory it sounds easy. In real life practice - your DH will be hard-pressed to find another woman to put up with your SS. And to be honest, I am guessing that your SS would start pulling shit with the new woman by comparing her to YOU. Because the kid has anger issues and other issues.
Your SS sounds somewhat antisocial.
Take care of YOU. I can completely relate to the wanting to kiss your DH and punch him in the face at the same time. Unfortunately, I think he needs a wake up call. And the wake up call (I am guessing) will only come when you "don't care" or don't play into their drama anymore.
Do you think that's possible?
Well them being "happy" makes
Well them being "happy" makes me upset because SS and I get along when SS thinks Daddy is mean, SS and DH get along when SS knows DH and I aren't getting along. DH on top of it sticks his head up SS's butt when we are not doing well, its almost like DH is on a team with SS against me. So I guess thats why it gets on my nerves, because that happens all of the time.
I do agree that this game won't last very long. I thought about DH finding someone else, I almost feel sorry for him. Ya know, when the child grows up and leaves and DH doesn't have a companion because of SS. I know it will hurt, but I have to do for me now. I hope that DH finds happiness and I hope he finds a woman that will put up with SS's crap. I don't want to see him old and alone.
I wanted to have a baby with my husband, and couldn't because I am scared of what SS will do. I believe my SS may be a budding sociopath. I HOPE IM WRONG. I have pushed and pushed for an evaluation, it isn't happening. If DH would have just done the evaluation and we got therapy and knew what to do and what to prevent, I wouldn't even be writing about leaving. I am so depressed and anxious that its ridiculous. I am even questioning myself, wondering if I have something wrong with me. I can't believe that a 10 year old has done this.
It is going to take an incident to happen to someone else in order for DH to realize something is wrong and that what he had was wonderful. SS has done so much to me that DH now thinks Im just picking.
Pantera - you pretty much
Pantera - you pretty much seem to have hit it on the head. DH is going to have to see another incident, and come to the realization for himself.
And as far as your SS being a budding sociopath.. You are right - on 2 things at the very least! One, he is definitely a manipulator and doesn't seem to show normal feelings. THAT is scary!!
And two.. if your DH had just taken your SS to a counselor, you would know what you are and are not dealing with. That would go a long way toward helping you cope. I don't know if the counselor had said, "yes, SS is showing sociopathic tendencies" if you would stay with DH. You may have ended up right where you are right now.
But you can rest assured that if the counselor had said that SS was just acting out, or needed therapy or meds or whatever, and DH was willing to work with you, the child, and the doctor to make things right - that you would be trying and right there by his side. We all know you would.
DH doesn't know what he is losing. YET.
Thanks, I have tried
Thanks, I have tried Craigslist. 2 Apartments were already rented (same day as the post), Im waiting on 1, and the rest were no go's. I looked in 6 different areas around here!!! I want to get out of here as quickly as possible. Im scared that if I stay, DH will try to talk me into staying. I think leaving will be the best thing for all of us. It isn't healthy here.
Why don't you try out those
Why don't you try out those extended stay hotels? Most allow pets...check the travel websites & then call direct to compare prices...also check priceline.com...some end up being cheaper than an apt w/no extra bills to pay...and there are some nice ones...
So sorry, I fear the
So sorry, I fear the same...stopped working to homeschool, not to be a maid! Lost all my savings keeping us afloat! I still think I might take out my retirement and get out anyway...I know it's hard, but if you don't have kids something will open up...Good luck and sending positive vibes your way...
I work. I pay half of ALL of
I work. I pay half of ALL of the bills. I have some money, my problem is the debt I incurred after meeting DH. I know its my own damn fault for trying to be generous, I am f'd now. I need to find a real cheap place so I can pay off my debt, then I can move into a better place that may cost more. Thats my problem. I haven't told any family or friends, I want to move before I do, that way my decision can't be swayed like it has in the past. I fear I might have to tell someone soon because I need to get out of here, lol.
Is that the story of many of
Is that the story of many of us? It sure seems like it. I had about 120k in my 401k, no debt, paid off 2yr old VW Jetta, 4-5k in stocks, retirement and no debt....now i have only my retirement left & 10k+ in debt and still owe 5k on a 4yr old car...
Yes herewegoagain.... I think
Yes herewegoagain.... I think it is the story of all of us on here, actually...
BUT ...I don't think that it's a different story than any single successful person that gets married.
Once people get married, their expenses together change. They buy a house, or a better car because they have 2 incomes, life happens. And if they have children together, that changes.
I think this is one of those things that we attribute to being a Step, but I don't think it's 100% being a step.
I agree with you
I agree with you herewego..... all our problems stem from his divorce with that banshee(BM)....she took everything thing....if we took that out of the equation, we would be fine. I had a fantastic credit score and was paying my bills. I moved in with him and it all went down hill from there. I couldn't even finance a pencil right now.
The sad thing is....he makes really good money but she takes about 30% then there's Uncle Sam....and we're left to live off very little AND still support the kids when they are here on the weekend AND the entire SUMMER.
Sometimes I wish that hag(BM) would take a long fall of a short cliff......
be very careful of your
be very careful of your wishes jswan ---- skids 24/7 if bm falls off that cliff....
LMAO!!! Thanks for the
LMAO!!! Thanks for the laugh.
I've read your blog before,
I've read your blog before, starting about a year ago. I know that it seems like I have a lot of the same issues you do. My DH and I separated for about a little more than a week a year ago. That was all it took. SS14 was calling me begging me to come home because he saw how miserable DH was. DH begged me not to move out, but once it happened, things were different. After I came home, I've disengaged a lot with SS14. It was a really good breaking point. I've also started using a parenting technique that emphasizes natural consequences. Basically, it means that you don't go out of your way to fix SS's mistakes and you allow the natural consequences to take their course. For example, if he misses the school bus, or sleeps in too late, don't make a fuss and change your plans in order to get him there on time. If he's late, then he has to deal with the drama and make up work that comes along with it. THe most recent example was that I went to pick up SS14 at a friends house. He had stayed the night there and had a little league game in the AM. WHen I dropped him off the previous night, I asked three times to make sure he had all his baseball stuff. He insisted he did. When I picked him up, early enough that we could stop for breakfast before the game, I had to wait 10 minutes for him to get ready, then he said he left his glove at home, so I told him that we will go to get his glove, but I wasn't altering my plans to accommodate him. We still went to breakfast, then went to get his glove. We were on time for the game, but not 30 minutes early like he is supposed to be. Because of that, he had to sit out the first half of the game. His mistake, his consequence.
Just a thought, could you find a pet friendly hotel for a long term stay until you find a better place?
I left in September of 2009
I left in September of 2009 for about 3 weeks and disengaged when I came back. I thought it was going to be normal after that. I thought everything would change and fall into place. Its 9 months later and SS hasn't changed. He is being even more sneaky and deviant. DH is doing better but its like too little too late (and he is still in denial about some things). I can't feel like this for the rest of my life. I feel like Im wasting my time.
Whatever you do Pantera... we
Whatever you do Pantera... we are here for you!!
I never thought of extended
I never thought of extended stay hotels!!! Great Idea!!!
Thanks Steperg. I LOVE
Thanks Steperg. I LOVE CAMPING, but where would I leave my dog? I am a little bit better today. I will find something. And if worse comes to worse, I can go to my Mom's (its a 1.5 hour commute 1 way) until I can get on my feet.
Pantera, have you and your DH
Pantera, have you and your DH (and his son) tried family counseling? It sounds like DH wants you to stay. Maybe you two can work it out (even though you're settled on separating).
We have tried counseling. It
We have tried counseling. It was for SS with family included. The therapist wasn't really helping us as far as letting us know what to do, but she was right about everything she was saying, she just wasnt helping. DH is refusing counseling, he says it doesn't work, well thats because he doesn't feel like going and doesn't want to hear when he is wrong.
I work. I pay half of ALL of
I work. I pay half of ALL of 642-983 the bills. I have some money, my problem is the debt I incurred after meeting DH. I know its my own damn fault for trying to be generous, I am f'd now. I HP2-T16 need to find a real cheap place so I can pay off my debt, then I can move into a better place that may cost more. Thats my problem. I JN0-541 haven't told any family or friends, I want to move before I do, that way my decision can't be swayed like it has in the past. I fear I PMI-002 might have to tell someone soon because I need to get out of here, lol.
I also have debt incurred
I also have debt incurred from DH and his son, and DH admits it. He even said he would pay the amount I incurred, LOL YEAH RIGHT. But in all honesty, I would rather have the debt than to have to deal with him and his son. I am so happy now that I left!!!
Awww sorry to here about your
Awww sorry to here about your situation you seem to be in a situation tht is most proberly one of which I have felt like going down the road of. With the lack of support your get from hubby I am well aware of ow tht may feel. After all you are the one tht has supported him and stayed with him even though it is ovious u have been hurting deeply thru this and realy you have done nothing wrong for a child to try and destroy your marriage. I have 5 years experioence of this behind me and am not quite sure just how much the other half expects us to go through with ther lack of support. My SD is now nearly 20 and only getting better at pulling the wool over ppls eyes and I feel for you knowing tht how deep inside all this hurts. Which ever road you chose I hope it brings happiness. Im still stuck on the road of why should I allow her to split us but I know ow tireing they road is. My heart felt wishes to u
I was able to move out on
I was able to move out on August 1st. I made the best decision of my life!!! Thanks for your thoughts.