Because some bms blackmail them with having a relationship with their children and the doppy men don't realize that is why they have custody and visitation agreements.

In NO other family configuration would someone who doesn't even live in your house be able to make decisions about what goes on in your house.

My DH did this to me a few times before we were married. At that time he was my FUTURE husband. And I very calmly, in no uncertain terms, told him that he needed to figure out who his wife was going to be. I said that I was 50% of the decision making power in the household, and anything that affected the household affected me; therefore I needed to be consulted. I said that if that was not how we were going to operate, then he was still essentially married to his ex-wife, because she was the person who called the shots in his life. I told him that I was worth much more than that, and that I wasn't going to be married to someone who already had a wife.

Your FH needs to figure out if he's going to be your partner or not. If not, maybe he's not going to "graduate" from FH to DH. If he doesn't "feel" like discussing it with BM, then maybe he doesn't "feel" like making you the priority and not her. THat is a giant load of BS.

Stay strong, girl. This needs to stop. It doesn't affect the kids one way or another. The only person it affects is YOU. He needs to learn to respect his future wife and grow a pair with his ex.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

but it has been quite some time since i have heard "i feel like i have to keep everybody happy" - referring to me, bm, MIL, skids, etc....... well after hearing that for so long i advised him that keeping me happy would be in his best interest....... maybe i didn't say it just like that --- i think it was a bit more colorful, but he doesn't say stupid shit like that anymore....... i still think there is room for more growth in the nut sack, but he's trying.......and getting better.....

his reasons for kissing bm's ass --- he's afraid she'll take him back for more cs --- more cs because he didn't kiss your ass -- i think you need a little more ammo than that..

for kissing mil's ass --- his father died when he was young so he feels if he doesn't do what she says, she will disown him...... OMG --- that would NEVER happen...

this is just part of the excellent benefits of being the sm...

is it 5:00?

damn you said it well!

I'm not sure I will ever understand this. I have now come to the conslusion that there are just some things in life that I will NEVER understand. Sometimes, I have issues that my FH may NEVER understand, but I expect him to be supportive and be there for me. This is what I have done for my FH. I may never understand the dynamics of his relationship with BM, but I am VERY secure with OUR relationship, so although I don't understand it, I just had to adjust the way I reacted to him or any given situation. This is where disengaging came in. I DID not disengage from my skids, only from the FH and BM decisions. He still consults with me, but when he bitches or complains about stuff, I turn my emotions off (disengaging) - I no longer get angry for him. SHE is his problem, not mine.

******My daddy always said: "It's better to be a SMARTASS, than a DUMBASS!******

I had that issue for a few months when DBF and I started seriously dating. He was constantly trying to keep her happy and tell her what she wanted to hear at my expense. When I explained to him the first time that I didn't like it, he told him to suck it up that he had to do whatever to see SS20 months. I packed up all his shit and threw it out of my apartment, advised him to come get it and never speak to me again.

Needless to say, he apologized and rightly so that evening and said that it would never happen again. Sometimes, I catch him about to do it, but I give him the stern look and tell him, if I'm not happy, neither are you - which means I'm on strike. I do absolutely nothing!!!

BM constantly harrasses him and tells him he's a deadbeat even though she's the one who withholds SS20 months from visitation. He will drive 3 hours and no one shows up with SS20 months. He calls and calls, no answer. It's all such a shame. Then 2 days later, she'll call like everything is ok. This is why I want to smack the shit out of her }:) ! If I ever hated anyone in my life, it's her. I just can't stand her. I think if I did see her face to face today, I would vomit! That's how sick :sick: she makes me!

CS is not related to visitation for a reason, Kids are not commodities to be bought and sold period. If your dh can not make his cs payments he needs to work that out and try to get the cs lowered based on his current income. Both parents need to be financially responsible for their children. What would he do if he were custodial?

because according to our CS charts, if you don't get kids X amount of time --- 2 extra days a month makes the difference in my cae -----the cs goes up........

dh just left to pick up ass gnats --- and i'm already spiralling into that funk that i always get in when they are coming....... i wish i could find that place so many of you have found by accepting and welcoming skids and meaning it... i truly wouldn't be phased if they moved to mars and i didn't get to say good bye...........

back to Future's dilemma --- was this the arrangement when you were dating, too?? or did it make the big shift gears after you said yes???

sorry my last comment wasn't for Future -- i was reading another blog and got confused.............

the custodial parent CANNOT withhold visitation because the non custodial is behind on cs. In my state that would be a felony violation and the custodial would be arrested. Maybe you should check the laws in your state on this.

Switching weekends for good, he should have consulted you. Make him change it back--I would.