Has anyone ever tried "pushing" the skids to BMs house?
I know it sounds bad but has any SMs tried pushing the skids to move to their BMs house? FH has joint custody and we always fight and I'm always on edge when they are here. I'm at the point that I'm going to the doctor to get anxiety meds because I can't breathe normally and my heart starts beating faster when they are on their way over. SD12 drives me up the frickin wall every time. She has a huge attitude and expects everything to be given to her without doing anything to earn it. She doesn't clean up after herself...actually if I see something that she's left out I will tell FH to tell her to pick it up. If he's not around then I will tell her to pick it up. And if she doesn't pick up her belongings before she goes to her BMs then I'll throw it away. I just threw her hairbrush away last week...don't think FH was too happy about when I told him but the skids were warned. Ok...back to my point...I was a skid once and my SM got to me so much that I started choosing not to go to my dad's house. I want advice on ways to make it that way for my SD12. She text messages and calls her mom all the time when she's with us anyway so I'm sure it'd do all of us good if she was around a lot less.
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manda
I had to be blunt but it's needed here. You would be a total twat to push this kid away from her dad. Period. It is not your place. It was not your Step Mothers place either.
12 year old are totally annoying in general. It doesn't matter whether or not they are steps or bio. All parents of teens and pre teens go bald or at the very least GRAY during this stage. Your choice is either deal with it like a parent or move on.
I would seriously hope no man would let a woman run his own flesh and blood off for the minor things you listed. The kid sounds like a totally normal, lazy preteen to me. She isn't attacking you, she in't stealing things or doing drugs. She isn't setting fire to your house or having orgies on the couch.
I suggest you get some books on parenting teens. You will see even biological parents have a hard time.
Having a baby does not make you a mother.
Yes, it WAS MY STEP-MOM'S PLACE....
Yes, it was my step-mom's place to run me out...I had no discipline, no solid rules to follow...so yes, I can see why she wanted me out of there!
I have to act like a parent to his kids when he's at work, but if I don't get any support on discipline or punishment, then you feel like the home you are helping to support (financially, physically and emotionally) is NOT YOURS! I wash his kids clothes, I clean their dishes, I cook breakfest, lunch and dinner for them, I clean the house (the WHOLE house even though his daughter is 12 yo and his son is 9 yo) and I take care of THE KIDS ANIMALS, but I somehow don't get a say in how to raise them. I want them to have chores....FH and I did when we were younger and we are both productive adults...so it can't be a BAD thing, RIGHT??? I just want the skids to have a few chores during the week while they are here in our custody to try to teach them some responsibility. If they resist, like SD12 has done since the first time we even MENTIONED them (and I mean 'MENTIONED' them) and I have to contiunally see her garbage on the floor and CLEAN wash in the laundry to be washed because she's too lazy to put them away...then why wouldn't I want her BM to have to put up with that too? I'm sure she doesn't get away with that there...why can't BM deal with what she's created? BM never had to do her own laundry until she actually got DIVORCED...because her parents did everything for her and DF did it for her after they got married at 18...who know's maybe her husband (that she actually cheated with on my DF with) does the house-work. Bottom-line....I don't want a skid in my house if they can't pull some weight. Sorry I'm venting....but I was pretty pissed off by "GOODMOM's" response!
Manda
It was NOT her place nor is it yours. Your DH needs to be handling this on a disciplinary level not you taking it into your own hands and plotting to run the kid off like some kindof of Ceaser-ish conspiracy..
Your DH is the problem...not the SD. He isn't parenting her or setting any kind of guidlines. I'm sorry but also stick to what I said about your SD not sounding that horrible. I was worse as a teen and I lived with both of my Bio parents.
I understand you expect her to have chores and you are pissed that you are having to pick up after her. Just a thought but have you ever made DH pick up after her? I bet you just do it yourself and then act pissy the rest of the day. Are you a stay at home step parent? Do you work?
Simply being a little messy is not a justified reason to try and purposely alienate a child from their parent and if it came up in court the judge would agree. I don't care what planet you are from...step or bio. It simply is not a good enough reason and as an adult you should be able to figure out a more "adult" way to deal with this. It may mean you moving on if you can't deal.
Sorry sweetie. Aside from my bio daughter I am a custodial step parent who has two five year old twins FULL TIME and I work 50 hours a week AND I deal with a clinically insane BM. I hardly think you have it that bad.
Having a baby does not make you a mother.
Um, hey now...
I'm not trying to be an a-hole here or anything, but that was a little harsh, dontchathink? I mean, twat?
Now I agree that she didn't list anything like orgies, fires, drugs, or theft. But I gotta tell ya, does that make a kid (or adult, for that matter) AWESOME?
So if a kid or skid isn't having sex or stealing or doing drugs, then they're great and no one should vent/complain? I don't entirely agree.
I truly believe that our kids can and will reach any goal/aspiration...especially if they know what we expect of them, and what we believe of them. If we only expect our kids/skids not to be some crack-head-fire-starter, then sheesh....we aren't telling them to expect much of themselves are we? In fact, we aren't telling them that they should want much more of themselves. Does that make sense, or so I sound nuts? lol.
I am a woman with nothing but teens, here. I mean 17, almost 17, and 14. I know they can be lazy, crazy, misguided, etc. I love that none of mine (knock wood) have done drugs or said HELL YEAH to random sex, but I expect more from them because I WANT them to expect higher standards for themselves.
Being on time, for instance? Being clean? Being honest...and caring for their family home...I think those are a minimal requirements for growing into adults who can hold down jobs, relationships, and homes.
Again, I'm not trying to be rude, goodmom. I'm sure you're heart is in the right place and you want something good for the kid/kids involved. But your reply came off kinda chilly. Sorry.
empty
A adult step parent trying to alienate a "lazy" teen from their parent is gross. I am so sorry. There is absolutely no excuse and no other way to come across in reply except as chilly. There are many step parents who deal with more difficult behaviors and don't result to plotting to run the kid f by making her miserable at her fathers. How could ANYONE condone that!?
The kid sounds like a normal teenager. The behavior is not radical at all. Ther is no violence or threats or blatant disrespect. Even if there was it is wrong to stoop to that vindictive level. I am sorry if it came off brutal but the OP needs a reality check.
Read her post "I was a skid once and my SM got to me so much that I started choosing not to go to my dad's house. I want advice on ways to make it that way for my SD12. She text messages and calls her mom all the time when she's with us anyway so I'm sure it'd do all of us good if she was around a lot less."
She wants advice on how run the kid off not advice on how to set reasonable goals and make DH support them.
Having a baby does not make you a mother.
I know what you're saying...
but I also think when people post while kind of randomly venting...things come out...and not always in the way we mean for them to sound. I grant you that trying to find a way to "get rid of" a merely lazy kid is harsh and completely uncool. I can't even argue with you on that point.
I think what I peronally took from her post wasn't so much a "get rid of" vibe...I was more drawn to what Manda stated about her step-kiddo texting her mom a bunch....and how that might have caused her to feel like the time with them wasn't important?
I'm trying to think of how to put this (so I sound clear, unlike some of my other posts, haha)....when she typed "She text messages and calls her mom all the time when she's with us anyway so I'm sure it'd do all of us good if she was around a lot less." I guess it sounded to me like the statements before about her step-kiddo going away were her feeling being hurt. Kind of like, "I guess if she doesn't want to be with us anyway, and maybe her real mom is better than us anyway..."
Is 'sour grapes' the right way to decribe that? Or just plain "hurt feelings"? I'm unsure.
I hope that makes sense. Y'all have a nice night, K?
You can't breathe normally
when you know she's coming?
Get out of the marriage----get back together when the kid is an adult.
Don't do this to yourself or the kid.
Sounds like you are repeating your past sweetie. It wasn't right what they did to you.
I have some questions
what you have said so far doesn't justify your feelings. Are you unable to breath because SD reminds you of your past or is their more here?
I had two BDs and teen skids behavior was way worse. All anger and hatred of normal teenager directed at me by BM because she was jealous of DH and I. Does the girl attack you verbally? Does she use you and DH for money? Is she competing with you to run the house?
What is she doing beyond being a lazy teenager which, btw, can be easily solved with correct parenting. Read "Have a new kid by Friday." It's a great book to help parents with lazy kids.
The fact that you say you can't breath when she is there tells me she has either hurt you very deeply in the past or she is reminding you of your hurt past. Depending on which it is, I would give different advice. If you think this might be reminding you have your SM and hurt from the past, try counseling.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"