Wicked letter from SD21
This has been a difficult and eye-opening weekend. I found a letter that SD21 wrote to her father in August. It's long, but it's a good look into the inner workings of SD's mind:
Hi Dad,
I didn’t really want to write you this in an email, but sad as it sounds I feel like this is the only way I can talk to you privately without someone watching or listening. When I was in Wisconsin I got to thinking a lot, and I would see what a great relationship (SD's friend) cousin and her dad had. She is the only girl in the family, and her dad and her mom are divorced and he is remarried, and yet they are still so close and it upset me pretty bad. I know circumstances are different, and not all families are the same, but I always used to consider myself such a daddy’s girl. Nowadays I feel like I can’t even say that. We barely talk, and if we do talk all I do is get anxiety because it’s always ALWAYS about money and it scares me considering I am obviously not financially stable and Mom doesn’t have a lot of money. But what upsets me the most, is that I never see my dad, I never spend time with you, I feel like I don’t even have any sort of relationship with my dad, and it really hurts. I really didn’t want to have to result in this, now I know (SS26) has his own opinions on this topic, but as of right now I’m speaking for just myself. I do NOT like (stepoff), and I will NEVER consider her any form of family to me. She means absolutely nothing to me and I know that is really rotten for me to say but I don’t think you realize how torn apart our family is ever since she stepped into the picture. I love (BS2) to death and that was a blessing for you both to bring him in this world. But I truly KNOW FOR A FACT you are not happy with her, your doing this strictly for (BS2). Yes I may be wrong, but I can see right through this. You two have a lot of issues and I honestly don’t think this is a healthy marriage. She controls your life, and when you marry a woman that you don’t even really want to be with, and she basically takes everything from you, something is wrong. You do realize that she is around, me and (SS26) want no part in it. I honestly never want to see her again, and that affect my relationship with you. Im not going to give you an ultimatum because that would be wrong for me to do, but I honestly want you to be happy and I want my dad back. Don’t think just because of (BS2) you need to stay married to her because if you think about it, you didn’t stay with mom just for us, so why is this any different. She has completely changed your life, and not for the best. I can’t speak for you but I want nothing more than for you to be happy, and frankly I know your not happy with her. She has taken your relationship with me and (SS26) away from you and you are not even allowed to rarely speak to mom. That is not fair to any of us. What kind of person thinks they can take everything someone has from them and think its ok. We are still your kids whether were over 18 or not, and it is pathetic that she cannot even trust her husband to talk to your own kids or your ex wife of 20 years. It is ridiculous and ive tried talking about it with people and I honestly can’t, because it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about her. She will never ever gain my respect (im sorry), and I will never approve of what she is doing to you. Do what you feel is right dad, do something for yourself for once, and if your not happy, then do something about it. She can’t run your life forever. She is taking you for everything you have and I can’t stand by and let it happen anymore. Im sick and tired of it, and there is not much holding me back from exploding on her next time I see her. She treats you like crap, is taking all your money because she wont get a job, I understand there are things I probably don’t know that might be the reason for that, but there is no excuse why she feels the need to run your life, and take your kids from you. We have been in your life for 20+ years, she has been in your life for a little over 2. I just really want you to realize what is happening here, cause I know all of this came so fast and your life changed so fast. But marriage is about excepting the other person and their past and living with it, not marrying them, then attempting to eliminate everything from there past and doing everything they can to change them. I know this isn’t a very nice email, but I needed to get it out and im sorry if I hurt you, but honestly your not the only one hurt in this situation. I miss my dad, I miss talking to you and spending time with out something breathing over you and watching your every move. I love you and I really hope you understand how I feel, because it’s been eating away at me for too long.
I was shaking when I read this. There is so much hypocracy in this letter. What it boils down to is she wants her daddy back and she will (and has from day 1) do whatever it takes to split us up. She still has delusions of her mom and dad reuniting. She's pissed that her precious mommy has to work full time for the first time in her life since they've separated. She's pissed that she has to be responsible for herself financially and emotionally now. She's pissed that her father has moved on. She's pissed that we have children. When she wrote this, she was unaware that we were pregnant with our second child after trying for 6 months. And I know she was pissed when she heard because her reply was "you're kidding". When she found out we were pregnant with our first, she sat on the stairs and cried like a baby for over an hour.
A BIG part of me wants to email her back and set her straight. Another part of me wants to set up a meeting with her and DH and get everything out on the table (not that she would cooperate or accept anything that we tell her anyway). Yet another part of me wants to end this marriage, because if DH can't be truthful with either her or me and continues to lie to us both to pacify us, what hope is there? She will be a bone of contention for the duration of our marriage, and I don't have the patience to tolerate that. The rational side of me knows that this is BS and to just take the high road. Granted, this was written last August, but she came here at Easter last year and I HEARD her telling DH the exact same garb. DH said he talked to her and set her straight after that episode. Apparently not. Then after a blowout regarding us paying for her medical bills in September, she was BANNED from our home. I told DH that I don't want her here because she can't show respect, and anytime he would like to see her, to meet her somewhere else, not here. This letter is proof that I was right in that decision. And I know that she continues to spew her poisonous opinions to DH, it's just not in writing anymore but done over the phone. She's been like this since the first day I met her. I never stood a chance.
Another dilemma is: what about our kids? Yesterday DH met with SD and SS for lunch and wanted to take our 2 boys with him. I said no, absolutely not. I don't want her talking shit about me in front of them. She has no respect and no control over herself, so why on earth would I send my boys out to meet with her? I also told him that when they are older, I will show them this and they can decide for themselves if they want a relationship with her. I'm quite certain their answer will be 'no'.
So my question is ... what would you do? I really really need some advice because I just don't know which direction to go at this point.
Thanks in advance for all the help!!!
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Comments
Wow, all stuff my youngest SS
Wow, all stuff my youngest SS has said to my husband too. Don't know where theses adult children get off trying to dictate how their parents are going to live when they don't even support themselves.
Oh I saw the contradictions
Oh I saw the contradictions but I'm sure she's not bright enough to see them. Youngest SS has said similar things about me to husband when youngest SS stopped getting money handed to him and I stopped allowing him to sleep all day and not work. None of this stuff is really about the step parent its about the skid no longer having control. They are mad they lost having control over their parents and free all expense paid party life and they see the step parent as the reason they have to grow up. Don't let her issues bother you.
Thanks buttercookie, you're
Thanks buttercookie, you're sweet. (Pun intended).
I really want to ask her
I really want to ask her myself also. I'd like to confront her about a lot of things. But then when I think about it, why give her the satisfaction of knowing that her attitude bothers me? That's obviously what she's after.
If DH continues to insist that our boys visit with her, we're going to have to get either mediation or a judge to determine that because as far as I'm concerned, she's no longer a part of their lives. Period. What kind of person tries to make 2 little boys fatherless? Is she out of her mind? I guess she figures that she grew up without her father in her life, so everyone else should suffer the same fate. Beyotch!
Your best letting sleeping
Your best letting sleeping dogs lay. She wrote this a while ago, I'm sure she still feels this way but don't acknowledge it. Don't let your kids go anywhere with her she's obviously not stable and has major jealousy issues with them. I would keep up the not allowing her in the house and if you do by chance run into her be polite. The more civil you are the more angry she will get. She wants a reaction don't give her what she wants. Let her make a a butt out of herself.
Your best revenge is to be
Your best revenge is to be happy in your life and marriage. That will eat at her like nothing else.
I would caution you about pushing your DH to the point that he feels you are interfering with his relationship with his oldest children.
I struggle with being too forceful with my wife on how she deals with the SpermClan, our son (my SS) and even her family. They are all manipulative, immature failures. My wife struggles with guilt over her own success (Graduate Degreed CPA) and her families lack of success due to a seemingly never ending sequence of bad decisions.
Keep your kids away from SD until she grows up and can show some respect not only to you and her younger sibs but to her father. Her condescending letter shows she has no respect for her dad much less for his family.
Good luck and best regards,
what a brat I am her age I
what a brat I am her age I run a household work full time.Stepoff I am sorry that you have to deal with this I couldnt imagin having to deal with someone that direspectful
Thanks SMto2. I agree that
Thanks SMto2. I agree that BM and DH have no reason to continue communication. They don't really talk anymore that I know of. We spoke about this last year. This is why SD mentions it in her letter. She knows that I'm against it, therefore they will never get back together or be able to spend time as a family like they used to. When she would come over before she was banned, she would bring up memories of her childhood because she can't get over the fact that her family is split up. Things like "remember when we went to XYZ and ABC happened? Wasn't that funny?" Stuff like that. It was an obvious ploy to get to me, but I didn't let it. It just shows her insecurity, so I dismissed her comments. What would really piss me off, though, is that she never called me by name. Even while I was in the room, she would refer to me as "she" or "her" when talking to her father. Very very rude.
But as far as letting the kids spend time with her, I just fear the day that they come home and say "SD said blah blah blah about you. Is that true?" Or her not saying anything in particular, but just letting it be known in other ways that she has issues with me, or that I tried to cut her out of their father's life, or whatever. Kids are pretty keen on picking up on that stuff. And BS2 is understanding more and more these days. I know I can't protect my kids from the negativity of the world forever, but knowing that she is so against me and our family, I just want to keep them from that. But again, if they want to have a relationship with her when they are older and can make that choice for themselves, then so be it. But for now, I just don't trust her at all.
SO, I don't really know a lot
SO, I don't really know a lot of the backstory, but why does she keep saying over and over that she knows he isnt happy? Is he telling her that? If so, I'd say your problem lies more with him than with her.
I also understand about not allowing your children to be around her. Dh's oldest daughter is almost 21 and I would no more allow her to be around my kids than I would anyone who is nuts. SD doesnt even speak to DH anyway, so I'm not too worried about that, but I do understand your need to keep them away.
Yes, he knows that I found
Yes, he knows that I found this. Says it was last August and that she doesn't say or do anything negative anymore. Like she's experienced some sort of epiphany or out of body experience and she's a completely changed person now. I'm not buying it. She has been poison from the first moment I met her (literally, wouldn't even look at me and gave her dad shit about it). Second time we met was at dinner, she wouldn't talk to me and would answer my questions with a one word answer. 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th time we met, pretty much the same. You get the picture. I've tried being nice and get nothing but shrugged in return. I'm just tired of being walked on and expected to be the 'bigger person'. A person can only take so much. So now I'm the wicked bitch who ruined her life. So be it.
"So now I'm the wicked bitch
"So now I'm the wicked bitch who ruined her life. So be it."
»
Well let her think that, she is an immature little spoiled brat.
Looking for someone to blame. I cant believe she cried when you got pregnant the first time. Selfish what a selfish person.
You have your sons, let your husband deal with her and wash your hands of it. She is not even worth your time.
That's what I'm wondering
That's what I'm wondering myself. He must be sending her cues or telling her that he's not happy because why would she keep insisting that he's not. And I agree that a lot of these issues are with him. He is at the center of all of this. Maybe because she has a problem with him moving on so he implies that he's not happy just to make her happy? Or maybe he really isn't happy and IS here just for the kids? Maybe it's her mother telling her that he's not happy here? I don't know where this is coming from, but I do wonder.
The letter was venomous and
The letter was venomous and I'm sure it was difficult to read and digest.
If your husband were truly unhappy, do you think he'd tell you? Do you have open communication about your feelings? Don't allow her plant seeds of doubt and have you second guessing the status of your marriage. You're playing into her hands. She likely was hoping that you'd see the letter as well.
Clearly she has issues and I think it all boils down to losing control over her dad. They can still meet and talk over the phone so it's not like you've banned him from seeing her. Her letter was a ruse to try to guilt him into feeling that you're a terrible person because their relationship has changed. And even if you do control DH. So what, it's none of her business.
Mature adult children know that relationships transition. It's a fact of life. I hope DH has set her straight. What she should really be focusing on is leading and establishing her own life. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of mentioning the letter and allowing her to push my buttons. She's childish, immature and needs to grow up.
I would let BSs go to have meals . .only if DH was in their presence because she clearly is so dilusional and jealous that she can't be trusted to say or do the right thing.
Finally, continue to focus pursuing happiness and strethening your marriage. Karma will take care of SD.
Good luck.
I received the SAME treatment
I received the SAME treatment about 7 years ago
when I first met my now H. His Ds were 24, 23, and 19 at the time and had NO USE for "daddy" finding another "girl". The oldest one, especially, was awful. I would get "hate mail" all the time; I recall once she sent a "list" of what she and her two sisters "expected" of me as their dad's SO.
Of course I was FLOORED as I couldn't believe that "women" in their 20s were so CONSUMED by what their "daddy" was doing; my family wasn't like this!! And, my OWN daughter at the time was only 11, so she was thrilled at the prospect of having new "big sisters".
WRONG!! They wanted nothing to do with her, it was nothing but endless bickering with my H like a little "weenie" in the middle just hoping "that we'll all get along and be a big happy family."
Enter THIS SITE and I GREW a set of "balls". DO NOT let this "woman" dictate your life. She is HIS DAUGHTER, let HIM handle her. YOU hold many cards here in that you have small kids with this man....how will it look if you up and LEAVE HIM, with two small kids, because he can't keep his ADULT DAUGHTER in line? You owe her NOTHING; no "lunch" to "talk it out". Bullcrap. In my experience, the more ENERGY you give her, the more opportunity she will have to find things to pick on you about. I'd suggest staying CLEAR OUT OF IT.
Concentrate on your own kids. After all the crap I put up with, it finally stopped about 3 years ago when I just QUIT going to their events, QUIT reading their emails to me, QUIT going out of my way to buy them nice things, etc. I started to concentrate on my OWN life and more importantly, my OWN daughter.
Wow, once that energy was taken away and they realized that "daddy" was staying with ME, they suddenly found lives!! Two of them found other men and actually GOT MARRIED. THey are even doing CHARITY WORK!! IT's a miracle!! They no longer obsess over "daddy".
Please don't let this BRAT have any more of your power. If her "daddy" wants to take her to lunch to work things out with her, hope he has a ball. You'll see how quickly he'll get sick of her crap, too, I PROMISE!!
You've got yourself into a
You've got yourself into a messy situation. Your husband and your family come first. If you want to get to the bottom of this - you need to sit down with your husband and say - why does she feel that way? That he is just with you because you have kids? Get to the bottom of it. And then you two need a plan - and you both need to sit down with your step daughter. She either accepts the situation or she can leave and not bother with any of you. You and your husband are happy. - He no longer needs to communicate with the BM - they are now old enough to take care of themselves and they have been divorced for 20 years - why the hell do they need to talk? There is no longer child support being paid. Am I correct in saying - God for Bid that woman get a job and work and no longer live off of her child support?
Actually I think she's
Actually I think she's vindictive NOT ONLY towards you, but towards YOUR BIOKIDS...she states that just because of your BS2, he doesn't need to stay married, since he didn't to her mother...I think she truly wants a divorce not just to be daddy's new "spouse, ie. center of attention", but so that your kids don't get a full-time daddy since she didn't...it truly is about getting revenge...and if she couldn't have an intact family, why should your bio-kids? I mean, really, if he does stay with you "for the kids", then that means YOUR KIDS are more important than her or that he loved them more...THAT's why she's doing this.
If you have a good relationship w/your DH, I would ignore it completely. I would NOT under any circumstances allow her anywhere near your own BIOkids until she either grew up or stopped talking this way about you.
PS - I don't trust my in-laws, I know they talk about me or say snotty things about me when I'm not around, I will NOT allow my son to visit any of DH's family without me...and yes, that included his daughter as well...which meant, well, I guess they never see each other...I know my son will someday understand...he's gotten the rotten end of the stick because of her and her mother...
Is it just me... Or is anyone
Is it just me...
Or is anyone else worried that this is what we all have to look forward to when our step-kids grow up?!?!?
Makes me want to run far and fast, and hide not only from the current drama...but the years of drama ahead.
I must really be a huge masochist to stay year after year, know this is what I have to look forward to...
If only I were a sadist instead...then I could inflict some pain instead of being in it!!! LOL }:)
lostandalone, my thoughts
lostandalone, my thoughts exactly. When I met BF, his kids were SD9 & SS6. So cute and sweet back then (especially SS6 who literally looked like a miniature version of my BF, down to his haircut - ADORABLE!!). Now they are SD15 & SS12. I've been through many years of sacrifice and taking the high road with all of this skid, CS, lazy, entitled master PASinator BM, etc...
In a way, I look at it this way: if our relationship can survive all of his CRAP, we MUST be strong and we can survive almost ANYTHING that comes our way or threatens our relationship. However, I also wonder if the skids aging out & CS stopping is going to make a big difference or not for us. My BF pretty much has no rules, no consequences for these kids. They can basically do what they want and, unless it is really bad, BF just lets it go.
I am worried, really worried, that the OP brings to light how it will be with skids (especially SD15 "daddy's girl" who is presently failing 10th grade with NO consequences & NOTHING taken away from her) when they grow up. Fact is, they may not GROW UP at all. Just still kids with their immaturity & still dependent on my BF, living in an adult body & an adult world - totally clueless and unprepared for what REAL LIFE is like.
I agree with the above posters as follows:
1. Your SD21 is talking CRAP when she says things like "I know you're not happy in your marriage to her, blah, blah, blah". She has no clue. Don't let her make you think she knows your DH and/or your relationship better than YOU do. She doesn't. Don't allow her to get you to start second-guessing how your DH feels about you. He is married to you with young children - she's jealous and needs to get over herself. She just seems to be spewing venom & grasping at straws (both very common actions for these narcissistic BM's & adult SD's I would say) to try to get to you. Ignore her & don't give her that power. If she "stirs the pot" and gets you all crazy, that's her goal and she wins! So don't let her.
2. Concentrate on YOUR happiness and your marriage & kids - and don't give your SD anymore of your time or energy. People like her will just keep starting drama & garbage just to feed their own need to create it. She seems bored in her life. I would NEVER have written a letter like that to my father (unless it was a life or death emergency situation like he was physically in harms way or something), especially at that age!! Does she go to school full-time? Have a full-time job? Any friends? Boyfriend? Let me guess, the answer is NO to most or all of those questions. She's like one of these moron BM's in training! She needs to GET. A. LIFE. and she needs to start now. At that age, I was WAY too busy graduating college with a Bachelor's Degree, planning my future, spending time with friends, going out and all the while ALWAYS holding down either 1 or 2 FULL-TIME JOBS to PAY FOR IT ALL - INCLUDING COLLEGE.
Good luck! Stay strong, keep a smile on your face and ALWAYS be happy with your marriage and family. This will drive someone like her ABSOLUTELY NUTS (as Rags said above). She'll eventually learn that she can't "crack" you, that her plan to break your marriage up isn't working, and she'll either GROW UP and learn that she's WRONG and correct her ways, or she'll move on to her next "victim".