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Down and Out

Sita Tara's picture

He's out. I'm down.

First night without BD 4 was last night. My sons helped me through. Tonight they have plans at their friends. I had a friend lined up to spend the night so I wasn't alone.

She canceled.

First night alone no kids no friends since all this happened.

I wish I'd never met him now, as I was so strong when we met. I wish I didn't miss him - the man I thought I married. How could I have been so wrong in choosing him? How could I have not seen he could do this? I have been through similar things before when I was very young...

But not since being an adult. I've been hurt yes. But never like this. Never by someone who had no indication they were capable of shutting completely down on me. It's three months since he dropped the bomb. When does it stop hurting? When do I feel that a-ha moment that my life is taking off in a better direction?

This week my MIL sent a card "To Our Son and His Family at Easter." In the card she listed all our names before the message- me and my sons included. She packed some gifts too- including one for me.

GOD this is so horrible, and not just for me. Everyone around him suffers. But SD. She's thrilled I'm sure. Just what she always wanted. She walks in and shoots me looks of pity and it just kills me.

I'm sure one day I will move on. But I don't know that I'll ever stop being angry at him for not being able to be the husband he said he would be. For not trying to fix things instead of tossing and running to someone else. I can't believe I'm so expendable to him. I can't stand the thought of him with the other woman, of that woman coming near my baby. And I can't grasp how he has no compassion for that, no comprehension of what he's done to me.

I can't believe I have to restart my life all over again when I'm turning 42 in a few weeks.I'm overwhelmed at all I have to do to start over too- get a job, find a new place to live, miss time with BD 4.... I miss my little bungalow, the cocoon I had before meeting him.

Here I sit in his house. Feeling like I did when I first moved into it. A temporary or transient guest. The neighborhood feels surreal to me, like it hasn't been my neighborhood the past 6 years, like I'm visiting someone else's home....

like I've been dropped into someone else's life.

I want to feel loved again. Cared for again. Wanted again. Irreplaceable again.

I see the counselor this week. Although for some reason every time I see him I'm all pumped up and sounding great.

I will probably be removing this post after a bit, as my prior posts caused me a great deal of grief.

Thanks as always...for "listening."


Sita Tara's picture

I know that stuff rationally, Vic. But so much is different for me now. I left my ex. With our vows intact I did. He thought I was cheating, and I did have a crush on a friend. But I never acted on it and could therefore own my decision without the need to make my ExH think it was his fault for some reason. I didn't even date anyone at all for 2 years after my divorce.

I only had to get a job. No move. And b/c it was my decision I think I built up in my mind how to fill my time without the boys way before I had to deal with it. I now have a ton more compassion for what my exH went through with being forced to be without my child against my will.

It sucks. I had no idea when I left my ex just how much. I told my ex the other day that I now understood why he was so much more upset about us ending and why he tried so hard to keep us together. And being this was both STBX's and my 2nd marriages, I mistakenly thought we'd fight the way my exH did to try to keep together.

I am struggling with his lack of trying to stay married. He never even told me he was considering a divorce before this. I can't comprehend that.

I know that eventually my need to make sense out of things will just have to accept that sometimes there's no bigger picture. Shitty things are part of life, grief is part of life, heartbreak unfortunately has been a huge part of my life. I worry now more than ever that I invite it in the choosing. I thought I was past that part, that I was smarter than that - wiser than that.

But I'm not.

I just am afraid to invite it again. I don't trust me to do what's best for me anymore, you know?

I just can't get past feeling the rug being yanked out from under me. I think if I didn't have to be without BD4 I'd be ok. And for the most part so far I won't. He brings her back tomorrow night to do eggs and spend the night, he'll take her for breakfast and bring her back and then I'll have her til a few hours with him on TH. And after that I'm booked with her or things like the writing retreat pretty solidly.

That will help.


but not heal.

Sita Tara's picture

I''m heading there tonight for first Friday- hey but can you take their name out of your post? If I google the theatre it may come here.

Colorado Girl's picture

Hey there my sweet friend.

Sometimes it takes a great deal of effort to power thru the grief. It's a day, it's a moment... you're sad. That's OK. Just like vicks said. It's only temporary.

Sometimes when I am just so down and out, I just accept the sadness (the anger, the hurt, the pain) and don't really look to resolve it. It's not ongoing, and it's not a state of being. You are not alone just because you feel alone right now.

I say grab a movie and snuggle up with who should love you... you. Remember the days that your strength was insurmountable and just KNOW that you have it in you. And forgive yourself for the moments that it just feels like you don't.

Love you much. ((((((((MamaSita)))))))

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks CG. I am sure rationally I'll get through it. It's just the most painful loss I've had to date.

I think I am grieving the loss of a nuclear family for BD 4 most of all. I didn't want this blended exponential parenting for her. I didn't want two rooms, two houses, two dads, two moms for her. I would have walked on hot coals to keep her from more dysfunction, you know? I wanted her parents to model what a good marriage is for her, so she would grow up secure and happy and have a great example of what to look for in a lifemate.

I wanted to teach her that term actually. We all get hung up on soulmate. It's not something I view as achievable anymore. I think it was Steve that used that term "Lifemate" on here.

I like that.

I thought I had that.

And though I know I wasn't being the most amazing lifemate several mos before my life fell apart. I was trying to make a comeback and just when I hit it- knew it- was ready to give it my all?


Rug pulled out. Up is down. Black is white.

The sky is green and the grass is blue.

It's just so weird. I don't think I've ever felt this way before.

Sita Tara's picture

Strangely what I really wish I could do is sit at home drinking wine and posting back and forth with my stepfriends. My counselor pointed out that losing my freedom to post where I've received the most support was hard on me. He encouraged me to find a new venue and I have done that. But it's not the same as here. As much as we can be a bitchy, petty group...

when one of our own is in pain we flock to their virtual side in the most amazing way. I miss that. I miss all of you. I feel I've lost another whole family on here.

Colorado Girl's picture

I'd be lost without my virtual family. FB, FTF, ST. Smile

I get it.

I know you know I know you know that you know how to get thru this.

This profound loss.

I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. You are sad and you feel slighted. You were slighted, if only by someone who played a trick on you. He did it because he is a shell of a man who was just trying to be someone who could be loved. You didn't fail him, he failed because he just couldn't keep up with his trickery. In the process, he shattered what you held onto so dear.. your own will to trust, to love, to be vulnerable to such profound loss.

In order to love big, we risk these things.

Your H is just to self absorbed to even realize what he's done to our precious MamaSita. He's doing what feels right for him and doesn't have the capability to know who he's hurting in the process. His thinking is distorted and... well, he just can't see the collateral damage of this decision he's making to try and fill that unfillable cup that is him.

You're left to pick up the pieces... and it just sucks. Sad

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Sita Tara's picture

I know GC...Like I keep saying, my rational brain knows a lot. But my heart is saying "Where were you rational brain, when I was falling for the wrong guy?????? How dare you show up now and try and tell me it will be ok!!!!!"

I am reading Mars and Venus Starting Over. It's very good- especially the stuff on how men deal with stress in or ending of relationships (he's doing it right now and did it when he and BM split too and he jumped into me.) And how women react ("I'll never trust a man or my ability to pick a man again" - sound familiar?)

He's dead on. I stopped reading when he gets to what would have before been a guru given for me.

"Letting Go With Love."

Hmmmmm....not there yet. No where close. I can fake that I am doing so, b/c it benefits me for cooperation and collaboration through the divorce and custody stuff. But mostly it benefits BD 4 a TON if I can at least pretend I'm fine and that nothing's phasing me.

She sees through sometimes I'm afraid, but over all she seems fine with him getting the apartment. I fear my moving out by Oct will phase her more, as she made it quite clear to me that Daddy moving out to an apartment and seeing her some nights/EO weekend is fine, but "You are staying at THIS HOUSE, right Mama?"

Yes babe. I am.

(For now...shhhhhh....)

I'm glad that I'm easing into the alone time. I told my mom that people don't get how I can be so down this divorce. I did great last time. I reveled in my solitude. And some on here may recall a time last year, where I was missing that greatly too. Be careful what you wish for, you know?

I wanted some breaks from SD. That's all I ever asked from him. Not breaks from him. Breaks FOR us. To reconnect. We hadn't had any more than a few hours to go out to dinner in a YEAR or more.

Why doesn't he know that the times to reconnect are so important. Why did he think that we could just meander through and stay connected.

Why didn't he tell me he was disconnected when I shared with him I felt that way myself?

I just can't grasp it at all. Except to say he never let me all the way in in the first place. That perhaps for him it was transactional all along and because I didn't view it that way I was blind to him doing so.

Enough wallowing. I need to shower and head out to see a couple of gay guys at a gallery. The taller one offered to break STBX's knee caps when I told him what was happening. It was hilarious. Then when I informed him of STBX's military history, he dejectedly said, "Nevermind" and then offered to loan me his partner (business and life sort) as a surrogate. His partner snapped his head around and said, "Are you trying to pawn me off AGAIN?"

Yes as Vic said they will make me laugh.

belleboudeuse's picture

Sita, I've been waiting to recommend a book to you, knowing that it was too soon, but I'd like to recommend it now, and suggest that you get it for when you feel a little stronger and want to delve into the "why" a little more.

The book is called "Uncoupling". It is one of the maybe 3 self-help books I've ever thought was really worth it. It's about the demise of relationships. I read it after my first marriage ended. It was painful in some ways, but it was really eye-opening in so many others.

If you don't want to buy it, PM me and you can have my copy. I think you'll find it very useful.



You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks BB. I have done a million self help books and always gained a ton from them.

Problem is I know how to do this. I already did it once. It's not that I don't rationally know. I've read through a ton of those books in the past.

And now? It feels like empty words. I read a bit of any of them and I just think YES I KNOW. The mars and venus stuff has some helpful tidbits. But there's no epiphanies. It's all, "yep. that makes sense. So?"

That's really how I feel.

Like my head knows what to do but my heart refuses to budge. I have never in nearly 42 years felt so

ambivalent about recovering from something.

I don't want to go find a job. It's overwhelming. I don't want to go find a new place to move to. It's overwhelming.

I feel child like if that makes sense.

It may really be PTS. I don't know. I was so beaten down before all this even happened. And it feels like a cruel joke/bad dream still.

I have truly and completely been Gobsmacked.

I'm not the kind of person to wallow. I'm really not. I embrace the pain and allow it to rage it's course right through me so I can let it go.

THAT's always been me.

Faking it til I'm making it.

And never ever any problem making it fairly quickly.

I really truly feel like I could check myself in somewhere to fall the rest of the way down, then get treatment. And that pisses me off at myself.

I have been trudging through trauma since I was 12 years old when my older brother told me our oldest brother was in a coma in the hospital after being struck by a drunk driver.

I never cried. Just got dressed and went to theatre class. Consoled other people. Didn't really even question why us or cry foul and unfair at God. Accepted it and trudged through.

The same for every bad thing that ever came my way.

Til now. It's almost as though I finally had one tragedy too many and my threshold is taxed.

The proverbial straw. I felt when I met STBX that I could finally breathe. I met the guy that came from making it through and learning from all the other jerks or heartbreak.

And to find out I was wrong and he is the all time worst heartbreak of my life to date?

Crushed. I'm crushed. I've lost faith I guess. And my faith that someday I'd find the right person is what has always seen me through the rest of the losses.

This time I just can't believe that I can be myself and be vulnerable and find someone who can take it.

You know that Sheryl Crow song "Strong Enough"?

I can't believe there's one who is anymore. He was a rock. He really was. And he fell anyway.

belleboudeuse's picture

Honey, I don't know what to say. Obviously, you understand. But that isn't enough. I get it.

Love is about trust. Believing. But sometimes we are wrong. The tough thing is, in order to love again, you have to trust again.


You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Silver's picture

BB is right. Although I'd like to add that I think it's yourself that you need to trust again. You can do this Sita. You have so many voices behind you and you are so strong yourself. Find your angry person. Let yourself be angry and maybe some of the sorrow will start to fade away. Many, many hugs to you.

"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown

Sita Tara's picture

I know I can...

You know when I was single last I worked with a young woman who's husband was deployed a few times for long stretches. The first was a year I think. She told me the same thing "I know I can do it alone...I just don't want to."

I thought she was crazy. Take time to grow and show yourself how strong you are! I told her. Embrace this opportunity!

That's b/c I was thrilled to be on my own for the first time in my life, to be showing myself and the world how independent and strong I am.

I did this gig before. And like my young co-worker...

I just didn't want to do it again.

I think if I had lost him b/c of a tragedy, the grief would have been as bad, but the recovery would have been easier. B/c I wouldn't have been so angry and feeling so rejected and expendable. I never thought this man wouldn't love me. For me. Regardless of our troubles with blending the family.

But he wasn't strong enough to do it. I fell down and he couldn't take it. She showed up and he saw something that came "easier" in the moment. He really believes he is doing something here for the greater good. I mean that. I think he really believes we'll all be better off and he just has to be the "strong one" to end it.

I know this because I felt that way when I left my first marriage. And after seeing the effects of my sons having 2 homes, 4 parents, dysfunctional step sibs....

I don't think it was for the greater good. I think I should have found a way to bloomn where I was planted, to find myself within the context of my commitments.

That's what lesson I learned.

Perhaps our overall loss will teach my STBX this lesson as well. Because BM was so dysfunctional he didn't learn it the first time. Anything was better than staying with a woman who pulls a knife on herself in front of her 8 yr old child.

I'm sad that his lesson comes at the expense of myself, BD4, my sons, and in many ways even SD. B/c she has witnessed her father tossing a family, a marriage, for the next better thing. And if your dad can do that, what man can't.

She's "happier" but as my counselor pointed out to me he can't be all things to her. She needs a female role model. Perhaps he thinks he's found a better one for her- runner, ambitious, career driven, etc.


I'll stop there b/c I don't want to write something that takes me down in a negative direction.

My anger is there though. Believe me it is.

He told me early on he didn't want me to hate him. He was highly emotional and sincere when he said it. I told him I didn't- that I hated what he did to us and our children...

But I feel hate. And I hate feeling hate. That's in the John Gray Mars and Venus Starting Over book too. That women flee from anger b/c it's so uncomfortable for us. It's an ugly emotion. I don't really hate anyone, even this other woman.

But I feel hatred at times toward her, toward STBX...

And it's ugly and serves no greater purpose for me.

Thanks again for all the support. This has helped me get a lot out that I've been sitting on for a while.

Sita Tara's picture

One of the things I feel strongly about after going through all of this is that there needs to be in person support. It exists for divorce through churches, but they don't want you to come there until you're separated. Plus, for someone who is spiritual but not Christian or Jewish, there's nothing out there for divorce support that isn't based on a specific creed which is stated in the mission statement.

I think the same for step parents/families too. In person groups. I used to have a plan to run step family retreats. Actually I think part of how I found Steptalk was searching for a SM/SD weekend somewhere. I attend a women's writer's retreat every year (which unfortunately this may be the last year as she's had trouble filling it the past 2.) It is an amazing affirming empowering estrogen filled weekend.

I think that Stepmom's could use that. And I now think that betrayed spouses could too. More than a weekend for sure. Maybe several months of every other weekend when they have to part with their kids.

So perhaps that's where I'm headed when this is all over. For now though I could use MY OWN retreat focused on recovery from dysfunctional relationships. Personality traited ones in particular.

And it doesn't exist as far as I can find.

GiGi222's picture

Sita, just wanted to send you some ((((hugs)))) and let you know that I have been there too. The emptiness goes away, time truly does heal all wounds. Noone ever plans for their children to go through this, so it is always painful. But I know you are strong enough to make it through.

Fading's picture

(((((((((((((SITA TARA))))))))))))) It will get better hun. It just takes time. It's just like a wound, it takes time to heal but will always leave a scar.

*: (=’:’ ):*

Sita Tara's picture

Fading you reminded me of a writing exercise I've yet to do. I bought a marble heart at one of my retreats years ago. It's gray and black and has very little marbling throughout except for one circle in it toward one upper part of the heart.

The exercise states that you examine the heart you've chosen and think about why it appealed to you as well as describe how it reflects your own heart.

I'm not yet ready to go there for sure. But like many things I swear I was saving it til I needed it. Just like the $100 massage gift card STBX got me two Valentine's Days ago the one before this miserable one. The one that I posted about as the most romantic wonderful V-day I'd ever known. (Though according to him we hadn't had a good time together in YEARS now.) He was kind of irritated b/c I had misplaced the gift card. I have looked off and on til all this came out, b/c I knew it was likely in with old sentimental stuff like cards, and once he announced he was ending our marriage I couldn't bear to look through it all.

So this week I was looking for MIL's address in a file where I put old envelopes with addresses on them.

I'd looked there before for my gift card too.

And it literally just slid right out from the rest.

Like it was saying to me, "You only THOUGHT you needed this before."

The hard part is it's from the spa I went to for a massage the night before our wedding. So I'm not sure I'm up to revisit that one yet.

But I do need it for sure.

misfit's picture

I have little to offer, Sita, I wish I had something good but you're in my thoughts.

Sita Tara's picture

"...your actualy NOT starting over from scratch... your just
carrying on where you left off before you met him"

I wish in some ways but in some ways I think I'm not- some good/some bad.

I have been drowning so long in dysfunction, that I am in recovery I believe. And that part has to likely happen before I can even be close to the woman I was before. I feel like I'm a survivor of an emotionally abusive situation. Torn down. Beaten. Exhausted.

So I am taking a few weeks to heal now that he's out- this week was with BSs on their spring break. Next week is BD 4's spring break.

Then I really have to get moving on finding a job/deciding on a career/perhaps looking into another degree.

Once that's done and only when I'm on my way can I begin to think about finding my own place. Unless something irresistible falls into my lap. Otherwise I'm not forcing anything. I know that may upset him. But I also think that he's not comprehending what's happened from my perspective, my truth. As I told my counselor I don't want to or like being an injured party. I've been there/done that. I never let myself be this vulnerable before.

And I regret that I did. I have to forgive me, not him. I need to be there for myself from now on.

Etc etc. Again- rational brain is VERY good at this sorta thing.

My heart?

Is crying foul.

Colorado Girl's picture

I wish what she wishes. Smile

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks to everyone again- I'm signing off for a few hours to take in some culture with my mom and sister. I'm sure I'll be back on tonight for the late night owls, and those on the other half of the globe. Maybe now I'll answer that "if steptalk had a chat option would you use it?" question. B/c a chat option would have to be a private conversation right?

Hmmmm....back later with a glass of wine. Smile

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks Steve. I think it doesn't bother him as much to be apart from BD. Not that he loves her less, but that I am deeply attached to her and she to me. I have always considered her a gift from God, as when I left my first marriage, part of what I left was any assurance that I would ever have a baby girl.

And she will be worth all I've gone through to have her in my life.

But it made me soak her up to a greater degree than I did my sons I had in my 20's. I knew it was the last time I'd be pregnant (high risk and 38) I knew it was the last time I'd nurse...

etc etc etc.

And I thought I would never had to sharer/miss seeing her on holidays.

I have to say, going through this makes me understand possessive BMs a bit more.

It sucks, especially when I would have given every last bit of myself to not have to go through this and he wasn't interested in that at all. When he's done, he's done. No discussion. Done. I have never been that way, and will never be so.

I guess eventually when I move on it will have to be with a man who feels the same way about family, commitment, and marriage as I do no matter if he's been married once or several times. It seems like perhaps my H felt divorce solved his pain/problems before so it will again.

I feel divorce freed me to find myself before, but that I was immature in walking away without sticking up for myself and allowing my exH to leave if he couldn't handle it.

I've grown each marriage. But this one cost me even more emotionally than the first.

I'll climb my way out. It's a hell of a mountain this time though.

Sita Tara's picture

I felt that way in my 30's. But so far 40's have been ROUGH. Thanks though. I know that each decade/milestone has brought me gifts and growth. And as they say "no pain no gain," right? I gotta be heading for some incredibly powerful growth spurts right now, eh?

bellacita's picture

Sita...I wish I could be there to give u a big hug.

I know how much ur hurting. And I hate to see u hurting. I hate for BD to have to hurt and for ur sons too. I hate how this man could be so selfish and not care what he is doing to the family around him that he's leaving behind.

He's certainly NOT the man u thot u married. And I think that's what's so hard for u to accept. That and how much u gave up for him--ur house, career, equity...yourself. Ur strength. Ur independence. U gave it all up to vare for a man and his daughter who paid u back by dragging u down.

Life is not fair Sad

I have no experience but I would think that prob ur first couple times w/o BD will be the toughest, and then it will get easier. Not easy, just not AS hard. And really, how much does he need to see her? I've never been one to condone this, but maybe a gradual transition into her visits w him would work better? For everyone.

Once u get one piece moving, such as career, u will begin to feel better. And there will come the day when u have that moment where u know this was for the best.

Until then? Grieve. Mourn the loss of the man and ur family w him. Ur entitled. U have every rite. Just try not to wallow in it, and let it swallow u whole.

Hoping I can see u soon. And until then, much love, as always

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Sita Tara's picture

He's showing some compassion. When I asked if he realized that Easter was this weekend when he asked to start visitation right now, he said no and took her TH and F and let me have her Sat for eggs/Easter bunny and will then pick her up/bring her back after breakfast so I can have her to go to my families. He is very busy with work/business trips the next couple mos, so he isn't taking her a lot- after this weekend he's out of town til TH.

Plus when I expressed some thoughts on changes in return times so she can unwind/have a bath etc he agreed.

So it appears as if we may be able to negotiate and be kind to each other throughout the next phase. I think I needed the space of him out to be able to do that. Still was hard. Broke down many times today while he and SD were lugging out their things. And his moving a few things unearthed an old Christmas card he bought but didn't give me so he stashed it where I wouldn't find it for the next year and forgot about it I'm sure.

It was one I showed SD while we were out shopping for his card, and she went back with him to show him which one I said was so lovely.

Stuff like that sucks. The receipt was 2006, early enough that SD hadn't turned on me yet and still wanted to do stuff like drag her dad to the card store where I showed her a card I loved so he could buy it.

She disappeared not long after into the child who would give anything to get rid of me.

Sita Tara's picture

I'm back home and drinking red wine (the bottle we started Vic) and eating peanut M and Ms.

It's not so bad this solitude. If I don't think too hard about it (yeah right this is SITA yes?) I can imagine BD4 is just in bed and I'm up alone. Smile Or maybe the wine is helping with my creative thought process. Wink

If only I had one of Stepwitch's cigs to go with it.

Sasha's picture

Sita, even under the best of circumstances blending families can be extremely stressful at times. If anything, I hope STBX recognizes and appreciates your effort in trying to make a positive difference in SD's life.


Sita Tara's picture

I think he does in some ways, but may think I contributed to her dysfunction in others. He may not be incorrect in that thought. However...

I know I didn't, personally. I know from reading the books I did about personality disorders.

I did everything I could. And it was never enough. It could never be enough because her needs are impossible to fill- by herself or anyone else.

The best I could have hoped for was to learn how to neutralize her behavior as best I could while finding ways to help her learn what a healthy way of relating with us was. Then maybe...perhaps she would have liked that and sought it for herself from other people. Meaning she could have learned that a person who is capable of relating to her in a productive way is who she liked being around.

Instead she is drawn to the drama and triangulation. And now I doubt there'll be a way to show her a better way.

As I said, I know I did the best I could with the tools I had.

The rest is out of my hands now. And really?

It's ok that it is. I can now concern myself with healing and moving forward with my children.

B's picture


I hate that you're hurting so much, and wish that there was something I could do.

Sending you hugs.

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks B. I'm feeling better. And will have all the kids back tomorrow night. Smile

Sia's picture

Sita, you know how much I admire and adore you. I KNOW you will make it through this with so much grace and style, as you do everything else!

Like Bella said, allow yourself to go through what ever it is you need to go through. I'm sure that soon enough you'll be back to your wonderful self!
HUGS and love!

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks Sia. I must say whenever I list the reasons it was all worth it...

I remember that some of my best friends I have met through here, and have transcended the virtual world into my real one.

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks Cru. I know you've been in a similar place as I am and it means a lot to hear you strong and happy.

He's coming back any minute for more stuff. The good news is getting to see BD 4. The bad? I was doing good but the closer it gets to him coming the more sad I get. I just can't believe this is my life. That's part of grief I know. But I just can't believe it. Still quite blindsided. Even going to stores we went together makes me emotional. I didn't feel that way in my first divorce. I felt liberated.

I feel lost and alone. Unloved and uncherished ....

And can't shake the feeling I could have done something to avoid it all somewhere along the line. That's the hardest part. Feeling responsible for being in this vulnerable place. Missing all I thought we shared. Not knowing now what was even real in the first place. Wondering if he ever loved me at all.

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks SA. I hear it takes a couple years to really move on past heartache.

Longer to heal from emotional trauma.

On the other site I occasionally go to for moving on with your life after going through this, several members have actually been diagnosed with PTSD. I can certainly understand it. It's the surreal thing I talked about with grief. That your brain just can't wrap around such an extreme turn of events so quickly.

I am trying not to hold onto those stats regarding how long it takes to heal and move on. Because I don't want to do the leg work. I want relief and that's scary b/c I know there are no shortcuts.

My minister did a program on grief a month or so ago. It was about death, but fit all kinds of grief.

She had the kids sing Rockin'_My_Soul_

So high you can't go over it
So low you can't go under it
So wide you can't go around it
You gotta go straight through the door.

That's grief in a nutshell. Once again, rationally I know it. But it sucks none the less.

Sita Tara's picture

I did alone. Five years of it in my early-mid 30's. LOVED it for several of those years, but was way ready to move on to remarriage when I met STBX.

We were in such different places. And I didn't listen to my own gut, mainly in the beginning about how different we were (he was determined to prove that wasn't a factor and I finally agreed with him.) And the number one thing that worried me was how quickly he was moving on past a 10 yr marriage to a dysfunctional person. I had no idea what borderline was then. And so I thought she would relax and soften with time as they both were moving on with their lives.

Now I see him moving on way faster, before we were even finished. He hasn't learned from us not working out that jumping in again isn't a good idea. I've learned a lot. I already knew that lesson though...

but thought of course that he was different.

That's a weakness of mine with men. Taking them at their word. On the other site for recovering from being left for someone else, many people are trying to reconcile. So envious of someone who's spouse cares enough to put their own feelings aside for the greater good and at least try once the affair comes out.


one thing they say over and over is to not listen to what they say, but see what they do.

I'm taking that one with me for any future man. Show me, don't tell me. Well, tell me too of course...

but show me.

I thought my STBX did that. But now I am looking back with hindsight and can see many instances where I was imposing my own impressions of him, of our marriage etc, onto his actions and words.

Thanks again for the support. I'm sure it will get better once the moving out part is complete, I find a job, and another place to live.

One step at a time.

KittyKat's picture

So glad you're feeling better today!!

You've been in my thoughts and prayers throughout this whole ordeal, Sita. There will be good days and there will be horrid days. I can't say I've ever been where you are right now, but I do agree with Cru. I truly feel there WILL come a day when you will look back and wonder what you were thinking.

I hope you find it helpful just to "blog" it out with others who truly care about you. I honestly don't know what I would do without some of the women I've met on this site. They are truly gifts from God. Smile

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks KitKat...

I miss my stepfriends so much. And the freedom to write to catharsis as I did here.

I'm going to try to do it, but remain respectful to my STBX and SD.


It's really about me now anyway, and my kids. That's what matters most.

Sita Tara's picture

I have been to the city once or twice, but not moving there no. STBX has a huge extended family of Aunts, Uncles, and cousins in that neck of the woods, that I will mourn losing profoundly. I may just have to keep them, in FB world anyway.

I don't want to interfere with his future life, even if it's with the woman he is seeing now. He said at one point he hoped I didn't hate him....

that's so hard. My feelings are indescribable. I guess I'm hoping for indifference one day, once I have moved on to something that is better and healthier for me and my children.


I have a great friendship with my exH and sons' SM. I really don't think that's possible in this situation. I wish so much that he would have been able to leave in a less traumatic way.

But it is what it is.