You are here

Fed up, hubby does not understand nor respect that I am disengaging

Love_and_Loathing's picture

i met my partner over three years ago and I immediately took on 50% of the parenting responsibilities for his 2yo daughter. I have been the fall back person for everything and was even taking her on ‘dad days’ when dad was gone for work and BM was at home doing whatever the hell she pleased. 

I recently disengaged and said I was no longer taking on these responsibilities (because they should’ve never been mine to begin with, even though I made the choice to take them on). I even stopped parenting her at home and just let dad do it, which has been an absolute relief and is somewhat saving my relationship with SD5. I said I was no longer getting her from school since her mom gets off 20 minutes before she gets out. I have set up school daycare on days I would otherwise have her while her mom works this summer. To be rather frank/clear: SD has ADHD and other underlying, unaddressed issues, which I do not have the patience for (I grew up with a sister with ADHD/Aspergers and I couldn’t stand her until I had moved out of the house. Now we’re good friends). If she was a ‘normal’ child, caring for her would be a hell of a lot easier. I have an 8 year old son from a prior relationship who is incredibly responsible and he’s been given more and more freedom over the last 3 years (when he was five he was allowed to walk to the park by himself for an hour at a time; it’s a block away and he had a watch). This isn’t possible with SD as she just doesn’t have the temperament, smarts or a responsible bone in her body to have that amount of freedom yet. Anyway...

Today I was unexpectedly informed that I was to pick her up after school because mom  got called into work. I was upset but said I would just nap her when we got home and he could wake her up when he got home at 4. An hour ago I asked how long he’s known that we would have her tonight, as I had been under the impression that we had a ‘kid free’ (my oldest and his oldest were to be with their other parents) night. He’s known since last week that this had changed, and was perplexed as to how I could be so irate about being an afterthought regarding this information. Am I overreacting? I feel like this is a consistent thing: forcing a reliance on me to be the third full time parent and expecting me to drop everything for SD on a whim.  It’s been the last month that I have been disengaging and discussing this with him, and we are going to have a longer discussion tonight since I don’t think he really understands what “I’m not her parent. She didn’t come out of me” means. Advice? Her grandparents live 45 minutes away so they are of no help during the school year. I am willing to take her when I absolutely *need* to, but it would be nice to not have it sprung on me at the last second 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

I don't think you are wrong for being upset by the lack of notice when he clearly knew.  Why doesn't HE pick her up?  If he were a single father.. that would have been his option.

I might have tried to do some fast thinking and say.. "oh.. no.. today was one day this absolutely won't work.. for me.. I'm sorry"

That being said.. disengaging doesn't mean we necessasarily "never" do things for or with the kids.. but it's more under the umbrella of helping our SO vs doing it "for" the kid.

 

 

Love_and_Loathing's picture

And as I told him, I would do it if I absolutely *needed* to, like today. But he knew for a week about this and didn’t inform me until this morning. I’m so pissed to be an afterthought. I’m just raging. 

advice.only2's picture

So does our DH go out of his way to pick up your kid in a pinch when you or your ex flake? Has your DH been left to take care of your child while you are busy working? I have a feeling the answer is a no on that.

There is your explentation to your DH, you don't do for me...but I'm expected to do for you because I have a vagina??

Love_and_Loathing's picture

He’s picked up both kids at school before but never just my son. If I go hiking or something he’ll watch my kid, but my kid is usually out and about with friends down the block or behind our house. He doesn’t need a lot of watching, really. He’s super easy. We have my son 5 nights per week because his dad works second shift. He’ll play video games with him sometimes (very, very rare as we don’t really allow a lot of screen time, typically). But, yeah, it’s a rarity (though he would do it more often if I wanted him to. I’m a homebody unless I’m hiking or taking my son to karate, as I can read my book in peace at the coffee shop next door). Anyway, he’d do it more often if I needed him to, but I don’t as I have an easy and responsible kid. 

tog redux's picture

It's common courtesy, if nothing else, to let you know schedule changes and ASK, not inform, when your help is needed. That indicates that he's taking for granted that you will do what he needs you to do.

Next time it gets sprung on you, be suddenly unable to do it, and either he or BM will have to leave work to deal with her.  "Sorry honey, I made plans this afternoon, you'll have to deal with it."

Harry's picture

He made the deal with BM, he does the picking up nd taking care of, or arranging other people to,do the picking up,and carding.  

bananaseedo's picture

" think that many families have a concept of sharing of resources and responsibilities. "

See that's the thing- here I'm seeing someone wanting to share resources but not responsibilities, I agree with lietenant_dad on this one....if he's helping support your son financially then yes she can assist with care of her SD since she is at home.

That said, continue to get him on board about changes, ask you in advance, damn common courtesy....and if he knew about it a week, he didn't 'forget' to tell you- he knew that was time enough for him to find alternates....that said, in his head an alternate may have cost him...if she is at home and it's an exception (not the rule) then yes IMO she can contribute to the family by sharing responsibilites-just like he shares resources, including to her son.

I'm glad we aren't tit for tat like that....my DH has always helped watch/transport my kids w/out issue.  I've helped financially with SD, I've also transported when I can-we work together as team and share all of it pretty much. I get why women in particular have to be bi*ches about it though-because so many guys to take advantage of them simply by being a woman (implied must do everything).  I hope things continue to improve for the OP- but she does need to keep in mind that sometimes things happen, and sometimes she has to step-up to help with care....sometimes an emergency can happen that mean your DS needs something purchased for him by his stepdad...how would you feel if he denied it beacause 'not my kid not my problem-dad can do it"- when seemingly the dads does more then his fair share already.

Love_and_Loathing's picture

When I was working I was financially paying for everything but food at our house even though I made 20k and he made 60k. That changed as I bitched about it because I felt I was being used. As I’ve said numerous times  here I will do what’s NECESSARY. But I am not her parent and I will not be taking on any more of that responsibility unless *necessary*. 

 

My partner has no problem purchasing something for my son if needed (it’s never happened thus far), as our money is *ours*. As I have never had a problem purchasing anything for his daughter when I have been working as well. I am only home until our second one is going into preK and then I will be working at the school again. 

Love_and_Loathing's picture

The problem is that I’ve stated I will do what’s *needed* and he knew since last eeek that we would have her today yet avoided telling me this until this morning when he sprung it on me. But she is not my responsibility when she has a mother who is home daily after school and can raise her own daughter. When dad is gone for work, she is mom’s responsibility, not mine. Mom can pick her up, not me. Today was an exception and it was asshole-ish to just tell me I was picking her up the day of rather than asking if I could last week when he knew this would be the case. 

 

Again, the money is *ours* so paying for something for my son is no issue if it ever came up. 

bananaseedo's picture

"But she is not my responsibility when she has a mother who is home daily after school and can raise her own daughter. When dad is gone for work, she is mom’s responsibility, not mine. Mom can pick her up, not me."

I agree and not -confusing ha!  What is the custody order?  50/50?  If it's dads time, dad is responsible for finding alternate care for her during HIS time.  If the CO doesn't have a first right of refusal-mom does NOT have to take the child during HIS time.  In that case, dad would typicaly find daycare, after school, a grandmother, aunt, spouse, friend etc. I think these things are a lot dependent on what the order states.

Personally I've experienced the other side of this- as a BM my ex would never excersise his visitation....he didn't have to so I was stuck almost NEVER being able to make plans or have a down day to myself because his excuse was "I don't have anyone to watch them and I work Sat mornings' not MY problem on his time...but I took it anyway because they were my kids and I have no choice.  It was still wrong for him to do. Very wrong.

If your DH chooses to excercise his time however, he can't midway demand mom come get the kid because he refuses to find care.  He can/should then just decline his time and then mom keeps the kid....he can't pick/choose when to be responsible and not.  Again, not sure of your CO so that could greatly change my opinion.

Merry's picture

To me, this is more about common courtesy than child care. OP has said she’d care for SD when necessary, and I bet that if this was planned and discussed and decisions made together there wouldn’t be an issue. 

Instead OP was an afterthought. That’s the crux of the problem. 

My DH has had a bad habit of not telling me things he thinks I won’t like until the last minute. Could that be what’s going on? In my case, I had to make that strategy painful for him a couple of times. 

 

Ispofacto's picture

If OP's DH came here saying he's paying food and shelter for a skid that's not his, while his DW refuses to do him an occasional favor, I'd bet most people here would tell him the skid costs him 1/4 of the household rent and 1/4 of the grocery bill, DW should go back to work and support her own kid, or get the cost out of the biodad.

 

shamds's picture

Or gatherings/outings etc with skids without their spouses consultation but springing it on them the last minute and expect they maje themselves available or cancel any original plans had.

that doesn’t fly in my house anymore and the moment hubby makes these executive decisions, great he can go to pick up his child