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Quick question

Kisanmisme2's picture

So SD 17 is staying the weekend, she asks papa (DH) if she can have one of his shirts to wear. Should this trigger me? Am I wrong for being upset?


notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why are you upset? How did it "trigger" you? I don't really see the problem, but more context might help. Do you normally wear your husband's shirts?

Kisanmisme2's picture

Not totally sure the why of the trigger. But no, I don't even wear his shirts. It just seems to me an intimate exchange. I guess It might be my skewed perception and I am willing to admit to that. Just wondering if this is irrational thinking.

NotThatTypical's picture

My dad and I weren't close and yet I'd steal one of his shirts now and then even when I was older. I can't explain why. It was just a comfort thing. We weren't a very physical family but I liked to wear his old military pants also. I'd feel pourd when I did. Even as a 17 year old. My parents weren't divorced so I understand why you might feel different than my mom did but she saw it as a kid wanting to be close to her father. 

Taking dad's shirt alone isn't a redflag in any way. It is intimate but not sexual. I mean for little girls alot of us our first night gowns were daddy's tshit. It was just a comfort thing. 

You could also approach him about it in a positive way. Steal his hoodie or sweat pants if he has any lol. 

MountainMom's picture

I am not sure of the whole relationship but I think you are worrying yourself over nothing. I used to steal my dad's shirts. I liked that they were big. 

Kisanmisme2's picture

Yeah. In my head, I try to justify my hurt. I guess I should ask myself why it bothers me so much. I would more than likely find that it is due to childhood attachment issues and insecurity.  It is very difficult when you think you know what's right, but unfortunately you feel differently. I believe that is my struggle. I cannot help that it triggered me and the only thing I can do is manage my emotions and control my behavior. I hate that I feel this way.

tog redux's picture

Depends on the context, I guess. To me, this is sort of an intimate thing if she's just wearing it so she can feel close to him or whatever.  If she's wearing it because it's comfy, then maybe it's okay. Is she a mini wife that competes with you? If she is, then I'd see it as her trying to mark her territory.

I never wore my father's shirts, so I think that's kind of weird, personally;  but I have stolen a few of DH's, just to wear around the house and be comfortable.

Kisanmisme2's picture

Yeah kind of a mini wife and parent-child allegiance. I have to get help.

Cover1W's picture

When I was a teen the big shirrt style was in and my dad's tshirts were the perfect size. And I wore them, not sexual at all. I think I likely borrowed a couple dress shirts too.

missgingersnap2021's picture

It would bother me if SD17 did that. To me wearing a man s shirt is kind of an intimate thing.  I remember being in high school and how much I LOVED to wear my boyfriends lacrosse sweatshirt. And it's funny that you wrote this because the other week my girlfriend who's happily married with two kids one girl and one boy posted pics of her daughter who is now 19 and in college wearing her dad's Bruce Springsteen T-shirt. And she and her husband just think it's so awesome and adorable and cute that she wears her dad shirts. I looked at it and was like "yuck".

Kisanmisme2's picture

That's exactly what I told my sister. That in highschool we wore our boyfriend's jackets or sweatshirts to signify a relationship. I kind of looked at her action, as bit possessive. (That's my dad) I know that dynamics don't change over night. But I really cannot control the trigger, however, what I can do is control how I behave. Trying to learn acceptance and awareness of the situation.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Maybe she just likes the shirt and thinks it looks cool. I used to borrow my parents' things for that reason (for example, my mom's Jimi Hendrix abums). I just wanted to use or wear them, and i definitely wasn't rooting for my parents to divorce or to have some kind of extra special close relationship with either of them that trumped their relationships with each other. I was much more into my friends, school, and extracurricular activities than the dynamics at home. 

But...if it triggers you, don't automatically assume you are some selfish POS with issues, though. I hate to see stepparents just assume they are terrible people. I've learned that in step-situations, sometimes those concerns are founded and the more dysfunctional the situation was before you arrived, the harder it will be. 

Do you have a history of disliking children or being overly possessive of your men? If not, the shirt may be a symbol of something else. Has your SD exhibited actions in the past that indicate she is trying to come between you and your husband? Is her BM a problem, such as pushing for more money or more control of your husband or your household, or wanting to still be extremely "relevant?" 

It sounds like you have a feeling and are having trouble identifying the source. Taking stock of your situation and figuring out what's going on, what you can or should do about it, and what to do if you can't change it will help you not to just feel confused and self-loathing. A good therapist can help. I've found maybe half of therapists are "good" lol. 

Felicity0224's picture

I agree with tog that context is important. Are there other behaviors that are mini-wife in nature? If so, then yeah, that's kind of icky. How/why did she ask? Was it in a weird, overly familiar kind of way, or just sort of off-hand "hey, I need to borrow a shirt please?" If she just likes the shirt for whatever reason, it's big and comfortable, super soft, it's just a cool shirt, or she really needed it for some reason, then I wouldn't have a problem with it personally.

My SDs and DD have frequently worn shirts belonging to both H and myself, usually to sleep in or as a coverup to protect their clothes when we did something messy. Or sometimes because it suddenly got chilly and a they didn't have a jacket. I never thought there was anything weird or intimate about it. 

Kisanmisme2's picture

Totally get that I could be wrong, but yeah there are many of those situations that probably affect my perception. I guess it is just my gut. I feel like his kids are in control of him. I need to find acceptance and I agree that my past could be clouding my assumptions about the dynamics. He is the disneyland dad, there is so much guilt parenting going on. SS15 plays video games upwards of 8 hours a day when he is here. SD17 is just so high maintenance, she requires bottled water for visits. I am at the boiling point.

missgingersnap2021's picture

I love how your triggers are some of mine! We all drink bottled water here- me DH and SD but what we do is drink one of the bottles then refill it with water from the fridge. DH refills his a few times but I usually do mine one more time because I get lipstick on the bottles and it grosses me out to keep drinking out of it.Anyways SD was drinking like 5 bottles a day and DH finally told her she needed to refill them like we do. She would throw them away when they still had water in them. Again she has no concept of money and what it means to not waste it!

Felicity0224's picture

I feel like his kids are in control of him. I need to find acceptance and I agree that my past could be clouding my assumptions about the dynamics. He is the disneyland dad, there is so much guilt parenting going on.

Ah, well if that's the root of the issue then you're definitely not alone nor is it weird for you to be triggered by anything else to do with his kids. I'd tell you that you actually don't have to accept that, but of course you know that you're not in control of his parenting choices. I guess the better way to look at it would be, can I find a way to ignore this well enough so that it doesn't bother me? That's not quite the same thing as acceptance, in my opinion. It's more just an acknowledgement that things happen that you don't agree with and that you're not going to give those situations more head space than they deserve.

IDontCare3117's picture

Maybe this short story will help you feel a bit better.

Several years ago there was a poster on here whose SD would collect her dad's undies.  The poster found a bunch of them in the bottom of SD's closet.  I can't recall if the SD was wearing the undies, but she definitely had them.  

Think about that and try to sleep tonight.  

bearcub25's picture

My Dad was very heavy and .lost weight when I was in high school.  I stole his old dress, button up, shirts to sleep in or hang around the house.  They were long enough to cover my butt.  

It never looked at it as being weird or creepy but thrifty.  Instead of throwing the shirts away, I was recycling them and not spending money buying nightgowns.  

They were great to wear when I was pregnant also.

ESMOD's picture

My YSD has borrowed more than her share of shirts from my DH.. I don't thing in any way it was an intimacy thing.. more of a style thing.. liked the baggy shirts or the logo on them etc..  

It honestly never occured to me to think it was icky in any way.. I mean, I don't think I ever borrowed any of my dad's stuff.. but again.. likely more of a style thing than anything else.

I wouldn't equate a button down or tshirt borrow as anywhere near as significant as a BF giving his girl his letter jacket.. no where in the same ballpark.

Kisanmisme2's picture

Thanks all, I appreciate the great advice and comforting posts.  I find it difficult to change my perceptions, acknowledging that they may be wrong is a good start for me. It's just that I do a good job at convincing myself in my mind. Working on it.