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Kisanmisme2's picture

So SD17 hit us up for clothes in July. We discussed it and said 300 is half of what she'll get from us, since her mother should be paying half per court order, and 600 dollars is a reasonable amount for a yearly clothing update.  So now she comes back round in October asking for winter clothes money.  Now mind you BM doesn't have a job, she finds a way to take the kids on outings and starbucks etc with child support, but god forbid she spend money on stuff they actually need instead the "go ask your father spiel".  I personally think that DH supports his ex wife's lifestyle in that he is paying out for things that they clearly made an agreement on and she is spending friviously, dependent on the fact that "daddy should be paying for it" kinda thing.  So... seperate issue, DH has panic attacks when he has to say no to his children, so he has almost quite literally been moping in bed for the last day and a half. I am sick of this dynamic, that his children seem to have so much power over him and they most definately know it and use it. Disneyland dad isn't enough anymore, it's dad can I use your car? (even though I don't have insurance, way to pay for gas, or a job). I know if I ask DH to stand his ground, he'll be too scared and I'm scared that I can't handle this situation anymore. Am I asking too much that he take a position on this... or is it something that needs to be let go?  I am getting the feeling that in this relationship we are just go round and round about the same issues over and over. Exhasted. And I know it's not just about the clothes.


tog redux's picture

This is tough because it's easy for all of us to say that yes, it's fine to ask him to set limits; but clearly, he's terrified of losing his kids if he does so. If he's really in bed for a day and a half after telling her he can only pay for half of her clothes, then this is a deep-rooted issue that he needs to address. The truth is that if he stops giving them everything they want, they might in fact stop speaking to him, it's happened to many on this board. So it will be very hard for him to stop, and he might get very resentful of you for insisting.

At the same time, you have every right to be upset about seeing them hold their hands out and money goes flying out the door.

Might help to get marriage counseling and have a neutral party address this with you two.

Kisanmisme2's picture

Counseling is probably what needs to happen, but at this point I am pretty hopeless.

JRI's picture

DH83 and I separated finances 4 years ago over this issue.  SD60 was draining our money, had been doing it since she and hubby2 split 7 years earlier due to her drug use, infidelity and toxic behavior.  "I don't have money for my car payment, Dad", "I need my medicine and don't have money for the refill, Dad", "The electric company is going to turn off my service, Dad", etc.  Sometimes, he'd give her our charge if that seemed the easiest way to handle some emergency.  Then, I'd find the delivery pizza, makeup and everything else on there.

He had always been overly generous to his kids when they were younger, mine, too.  But this was a new level.  She had moved in with us and stolen my jewelry and silver while we were on vacation.  He could not bring himself to talk to her about this, never could confront his kids, especially her.

She was on disability but didn't get enough for an average apartment and the Section 8 wait list was long.  The whole thing was making me sick so after my trip to the ER, I figured the amount needed to subsidize her and we relocated her.  She's not living in luxury, no cable, no internet, but she's living there 4 years.  At that time, we also separated finances.  I told both that not one cent over the amount we had set would be paid, no matter what and absolutely no use of our charge which I check daily.  Sometimes, her elecric is turned off, her phone, too.  She manages poorly.  DH has some of his own income so if he chooses to give her more, thats up to him but nothing more from the family money.  I've noticed that since its coming out his own money, he's not quite so generous.

If there is some way you can separate "family money" from "DH allowance", then specify that he only spend his own on SD, that might help.  I feel for you.  Its disgusting to watch our DHs being manipulated like this 

Kisanmisme2's picture

Yeah, it irks me to no end how much like BM they are. She has the hand me cash relationship with her father, or withhold the children thing. Your story scares me, does it ever end? Does not sound like it.

JRI's picture

BM's philosophy was "A  man (especially DH) should pay" and she taught and modeled this for SD.   Aside from all the damage it did to our relationship, it hurt SD, too.  She overvalues men and undervalues women, including herself.  She also worships youth (since young women attract men) so dresses as if she were 18 - long, dyed blond hair, suntanned wrinkly skin, inappropriate clothes - not a good look for a 60yo with dentures.  As she ages, she is more and more unhappy about being an older woman.  The sad thing is, she wouldnt look bad at all if she'd just go with the flow.  I saw a woman one time who closely resembled SD but her hair was styled shorter, a more muted color and she was nicely, appropriately dressed.  Sigh...


Rumplestiltskin's picture

The fact that a geriatric skid is still causing this much havok is terrifying to me. My SO's daughters are in their 20s, amd frequently ask for cash app money for gas, food, etc. I wish for their health and success, because if they don't get good careers, this will be my SO's future. 

JRI's picture

SD60 had a career, too, we sent her to beauty school and she had lots of clients, that is, until she'd get in a squabble with a  co-worker.  She'd get another job and her clientele would follow her until repeat, repeat.  She married $1, a prince of a guy, til he divorced her for infidelity.  Married #2, another prince, then repeat, repeat.  During those years, she would move in and out of here but wasn't mooching off DH too much, or else he hid it well enough.  But since she's on disability without job or husband, poor DH is "It". I'm glad we separated finances.  I cant stand her.  Good luck with yours.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It sounds like separating finances was necessary! Your DH sounds a lot like my SO. Generous with kids to a fault and without strong boundaries. ETA generosity and being good with kids is a good thing, but too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing! 

notarelative's picture

The car use would be my hill to die on. If DH wants his kids to drive a vehicle that is part of our household, even if his name is on the title, he would have to pay for the insurance for his kids. Insurance companies are less than thrilled when you let your uninsured child drive your car. They could refuse to pay if there were an accident.

Every state requires licensed drivers to have auto insurance coverage, be listed on an auto insurance policy, which includes teen drivers, even those with a permit, when driving. Some companies require teens to be listed on their policy, even if listed on the other parent's policy.

Merry's picture

DH's lack of any kind of financial management coupled with his inability say no to his kids about did me in. Until one day when I couldn't pay my share of my own DD's tuition, which I had planned and saved for. I don't know how our marriage survived that, honestly. He'd wiped out everything because he couldn't say no to SS in particular. I started logging into the bank account every day after that and asking him specifically what various withdrawals were for. He hated that. What, accountability?

I separated our money, which was only partially successful for various reasons. He was shocked that I stopped "lending" him money (that he never paid back). Financial stability is a HUGE issue for me, and DH needed to respect that as one of my core needs.

If you don't have an agreement or budget or plan about how you will spend household money (including saving for long-term goals such as retirement), you need one. If DH then ignores the plan, or tries to hide financial activity, then you have a case of financial infidelity on your hands. It can be as bad as relationship infidelity.  

JRI's picture

The truth.

CLove's picture

So he is now also an "ATM" dad as well as disney dadee, and parenting out of fear of losing them.

Put him on a financial "gifting" budget, because marital assets being what they are (Im in California), thats YOUR money too.

And - he mopes in fear? Thats something a bit more serious. I get a little of that - if SD15 pouts (because we tell her no on something, or she is asked to do something, or we have to delay something she was "promised", or she doesnt get her way on something) or does this "freeze out" thing, where she hangs her head down, pouts, and grunts in response to conversation or questions.

It bugs the heck out of me, when DH apologises for telling her no or he cant do something or give her her way.