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A double minded man...

Kisanmisme2's picture

is unstable in all his ways. That is who I've become.  I oscillate between acceptance and getting outta dodge. Been reading this site for a bit and am very grateful to have found it. I guess I'm looking for some sort of encouragement that things are going to be okay.  Today MIL, who's currently in ICU asked for pictures of all the grandkids... so I'm looking at SD's Instagram page for pictures of her and her brother. Beside her selfies and food logs **eyeroll** looking at all the past memories of them as children and with BM triggered me something awful. Why? Part of me doesn't really know, but my thoughts seem to center around the fact that his first will always have his children and I will always be just his 2nd wife. I have no children of my own, so I know that I will never fully understand why my husband dotes on BM's clones SD17 and SS15 and has panic attack's at having to say no to them.( Even for stupid things like no going out for fast food tonight)

Everytime they come over, which now is EOW, I am in absolute dread. Feeling this way is burdensome and draining me of life.  Can't stand to even hear their names and I cringe when they text and I CANNOT change it.  I have been sending prayers and good thoughts out towards BM and the skids to no avail, my feelings remain the same. Fairly certain my problem is that I am not fully accepting the situation, I also thought that 6 years later things would be better. Boy was I wrong.  The kids are just growing up to be grown entitled jerks. I am the childless 2nd wife with no crotch droppings of my own for DH and his clan which kinda feels like I'm chopped liver. I am fine having no children, but I realize now that I should have married a man with no children as well. If only I could go back.  Is life meaningless if you never pop anything out? I think not. However, by the way everyone carries on, you would never know.  I appreciate all of the kind words or mean words of truth for that matter. I am aware that these are only my thoughts and not all thoughts are true but this is the reality that I am in and it feels like torture.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

It sounds like maybe you and your DH/his family have different values. There are people out there who value things other than the replication of the family DNA. Maybe at this time they are being that way because grandma is in the hospital, and they aren't always like this? Idk. But, i feel for you. It sucks not to feel valued. 

missgingersnap2021's picture

I feel a lot of what you feel. Especially dreading even hearing SD text DH. I know several couples that chose not to have kids. I am so jealous of their relationships. I have been with DH for 7 years. His daughter will be 17 in one month. The older she gets the less I like her. She looks at acts like BM. She is lazy, entitled and boring! 

DH lives in fear of her not loving him, not wanting to come here for visitation and doing something that would hurt her feelings. 

im just holding out to see what happens after she graduates.

Kisanmisme2's picture

I feel so alone in this. I guess everyone is over feeling this way. 

Kisanmisme2's picture

I believe the hardest part of the whole ordeal are the thoughts and feelings that arise, that I truly wish I didn't have. I think to myself, how can I be jealous of the time he spends with them? I am the grown one. But it hardly matters that I wish I didn't feel this way, I need to be honest about the reality. Wishing these feelings would go away is a farce. Acknowledging them, confronting them, venting them, accepting them and not trying to force change is what I would like to take place in my life.  Maybe I am rushing myself but it is disheartening that the blended family experiment seems to be failing. One thing I've heard is that blended families could take years and years to get intergrated. Essentially, I am moving in to an already formed clan and wanting everyone to conform to my needs, isn't realistic in any way, shape or form.  I firmly believe learning acceptance is a daily practice... some days are better, some not so good. I am extremely blessed to have found this site to learn from and vent to those who understand a bit of my struggle. It has helped tremendously. Thanks to all.