I’m on the precipice of something..

But I just don't know what.

I have been on autopilot for years. I just realized it. I haven't lived. I've just floated from one day to the next. My life is like a bad sitcom that isn't funny but rather just a really uncomfortable train wreck you can't look away from.

I have 100% disengaged from my SD. Unless it is a basic need like food or giving her her meds, I don't acknowledge her existence. I have also come to the realization that she hates me.. which is fine because the feeling is mutual.

I fantasize pretty much daily of what my life would have been like if I hadn't met my husband. I envision that now I would have been an RN for about 3 years, making oodles of money.. living in a house relatively close to the gulf coast.. with my DD and showing her what an independent woman looks like. We'd be happy living our lives the way we were intended to without the chaos of this... disastrous life holding us down.
But... I wouldn't have my precious son. And life without both of my babies just doesn't make sense.

But, c'est la vie -sigh-

I don't know why I even stay here. Well, I mean I do, there's no way in hell I would ever let my son EVER have any type of visitation alone with my husband. Mostly because he's an incompetent, lazy, fucktard with no common sense. Coupled with the fact that my son would be shipped off to my MIL just like my SD was and she would be in control of him..

I really don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm just so mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, metaphysically, physiologicallly... EXHAUSTED. I don't have anyone to tell this to. I feel 100% used up and dry. Empty. Void.

Its like the movie "Groundhog Day". I wake up and do the same thing. Same feelings. Same words. Same everything. I go nowhere because I've developed this morbid personality and I get tired of hearing people talk about their "problems". Lol like you don't know "problems". Come tiptoe a day through my shit covered tulips.

My husband really is the root of it all. He literally sucked all the joy and happiness out of me. Took advantage of my kindness and exploited my weaknesses. Got a kick out of crushing me under the oppressive weight of his own personal problems. I have been his emotional punching bag for too long.
But to others, he's just such an attractive, hardworking guy. "You're so lucky" He lays on so much bullshit in front of other people... it's not their fault. Part of me wants to put him on blast and let everyone know... but what would that do?

And here we are. He never listened to a word when I begged him to just be nice or lay off me or to realize what he's doing and how it's affecting me and the kids... but here we are. He saw a picture of me that He found before I met him and suddenly he sees what he's done.
Unfortunately for him, it's too late. He has completely changed who I am. I am a hollow shell. I am a shadow. I am not and never will be who I should've been.
he says he wants to fix this.. but how can you? How can you undo all the hate and the hatred that I feel? The resentment. The tears. He says he'll do therapy.. but he has no follow through so I know it's just bullshit.

I will probably end up deleting this because it's embarrassing.. but I just had to get it out. I literally hate who I am and I hate that I was so in love with someone that I couldn't find the strength to leave. I am disgusted by what I see when I look in the mirror. I never should have had another baby with this man. My son will grow up with him as a role model and it makes me sick. My daughter will grow up and resent me for staying and having to be subjected to it.
I am a complete and utter failure.

barkingdog828's blog
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I'm sorry that you are

I'm sorry that you are dealing with all this and don't see a way out from under it all.

Have you really considered whether he would fight you if you went for full custody of your son? Could you get a ROFR in the CO.. so that he couldn't ship your son to his mom if he didn't want or couldnt exercise his visitation?

Because honestly.. there comes a point in your son's life that he can "survive" a bit of crappy parenting.. he can fend for himself a bit.. so you may not have to worry as much? Unless your DH is dangerous.. on drugs or something.. I would think there is a time where some limited visitation with dad wouldn't be the end of the world.. and he would have a mom that is 100% more healthy the rest of the time.

My husband is too absent

My husband is too absent minded to watch my son. He gets hurt EVERY time I have asked him to watch him. No just like oh, he got a little boo-boo.. I'm talking splitting his forehead open, falling off the bed because husband is too busy with his phone, split/busted lips, hitting his head on the concrete. There was several instances when I would try to get him to watch him to get out of the house and I would walk back in to get something and my husband would be rolled on top of him asleep and my son was struggling to get out from under him.. been totally hands off since I had him. Can count on 1 hand the amount of times he's done anything to care for him. Changed a diaper. Fed him. Given him meds. Etc.

hes completely incompetent. And that's not being dramatic, just 100% truthful. That's why I say he wouldn't be the one watching him.. it would be my MIL.

My point was he won't be that

My point was he won't be that helpless forever.. and is MIL dangerous? Could you document the issues with safety that require him to have supervision? and is he on drugs? or alcohol? seems that with that level of innatention.. something else is happening?

And.. has your son been assessed for any health issues that might have made him more susceptible to getting hurt.. like poor eyesight? Because.. honestly.. kids can get hurt despite our best intentions and they move fast sometimes.. but I can understand you have concerns since multiple things have happened

Husband has ADD pretty

Husband has ADD pretty severely. He can be in a room, but not "in the room", if you know what I mean. Things that he should be paying attention to don't make a blip on his "radar".

MIL is a complete narcissist. She does what she wants when she wants and has no awareness of other people's feelings. She is oppressive. Between her and my husband, my SDis the way she is because of them.

I'm well aware of toddlers getting hurt, and he does get hurt in the normal ways. He has the typical head bumps and bruises on the shins and all that when he's being watched by me. But I still make sure that he gets adequate supervision.
My husband just has no common sense about supervising him. He'll fall and get hurt or get into something he shouldn't and husband just says "oops. I tried to stop him/catch him" but it's that he let him get into or onto something in the first place.

Have you been documenting

Have you been documenting these things? If not, please start now, dates, details, photos. It could make the difference between 50-50 and much, much less for his father. How old is he right now?

Hi there

Hi, I'm glad you came here, there are many wise folks here. Even if you delete this, I hope you keep journaling, it will help you. Do you work? I think you are trying to gain the strength to separate from your husband. I remember that scared, hopeless, depressed feeling and thinking, at 25, that there was nothing more in life for me after my disastrous marriage. I so regretted putting my 2 kids in a bad situation. You sound young, too. Have you considered individual counseling? Hang in there, others will have solid, sensible advice. Things can get better and will.

Recently became a SAHM

Recently became a SAHM because I could not find reliable babysitters. I have thought about counseling/therapy again, but husband thought it was stupid and we quit going. I do have a therapist app on my phone.. but it doesn't really do much for me.
I would like to say that I am young, but not really.

I suggest you go to

I suggest you go to counselling/therapy by yourself. You'd be surprised how much it can help you cope and change. Why not give it a try?

I think of it like this, you

I think of it like this, you have 2 wheels trying to go forward, but they're stuck in mud. You take one wheel off and clean it up and put some sort of traction device on it to get it unstuck.. but then you still have the other wheel just spinning in the mud. So you just end up going in circles.

You don't need to have your

You don't need to have your husband there to make progress. Counselling/therapy is there to give you the tools you need to deal with your daily predicament and beyond. However, nothing will change if you do nothing to change things...

Please try to get real life help

You sound depressed. And with what you have to put up with, who wouldn't be? But a medical professional might be able to prescribe therapy or meds or both to get you to a place mentally where you can think and plan. From what you've written is sounds like the depression is sucking any remaining energy out of you. (Been there, done that so I know what it feels like)

Its just like on a plane in an emergency, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.

Once you've gotten help and hopefully more energy, you'll be able to plan what to do next. Maybe you don't leave, though I wish you would, but you might be able to do something to improve your life. Could you start studying nursing and working towards a goal? Or put the energy in documenting EVERYTHING to prove that your spouse, MIL and skid aren't good to be around to limit visitation for your son and at the same time get your leaving ducks in a row?

But while doing this please be nice to yourself. You aren't a complete and utter failure. You have two beautiful kids and you have a life ahead of you.

I have been on

I have been on antidepressants off and on for years. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. I quit taking them not too long ago because, quite frankly, I think it's ridiculous I have to medicate myself to deal with other people's bull crap. Sounds stupid to say it. But why should I have to numb my emotions just because you don't like when I get upset that you called me horrible names or screamed at me?

Ok but

If people were cutting you all the time you'd put a bandage on to stop the bleeding. Mental is the same. If you can get youself out of the worst of the black cloud things become easier.

I found congnative behavioural therapy as massive help. I'm very task goal focused and having a goal I agreed with my therapist made transformative differences in my mental health even I couldn't get away from some of the rubbish in my life.

Do you read private messages?

Do you read private messages? If you delete this before I have a chance to fully respond please look for a private message from me. So much of what you wrote resonated with me. Unfortunately my workday is going to prevent me from taking the time to respond the way I would like to.

I didn't even know you could

I didn't even know you could message people on here.

Look up to the top and you

Look up to the top and you should see you have a message. I sent a quick one

I saw it. Thank you

HUN

Just reading this my heart broke for you. Clearly you are exhausted, stressed, sad. In other words depressed. Seeing your doctor may help if some sort of meds, or programs that can be available for you is a start in getting back to being YOU.

Sometimes life feels like we are totally broken and not fixable. That is NOT true.

You need to break it down and figure out what you CAN change. A good therapist could steer you in the right direction.

You need to get your mental strength back first and formost then take it from there.

You do realize divorce is an option. A good lawyer can fight for what you need.

One day at a time hun. Blessings

That's the thing though.. yes

That's the thing though.. yes I could do therapy. But trying to work on me, then coming back home to this miserable house full of dark awful negative memories to someone who has gotten really good at saying what needs to be said then forgetting about it... doesn't do any good.

But that's just it, therapy

But that's just it, therapy has lasting effects and really can help. Please give it a try at least. You might end up giving your DH the moral shaking up of his life (sounds like he needs it). It's often said on here that you're the only person you can change - don't you want to change?

I've been considering it. But

I've been considering it. But I just don't know if I can find someone to watch my kids.
sounds like I'm making a bunch of excuses.. but I'm not. It's just the reality of this situation.

Nothing is worth your health

Nothing is worth destroying your health and happiness. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Wait until he is at work and change the locks. If he gets violent, call the police. You may want to start recording conversations where he is inappropriate or abusive to you or your kids, so you have something to show the judge. Don't breathe a word of it to him until its done. You don't want him to get the upper hand. You should do this for yourself and for your son. If its a toxic environment for you, its a toxic environment for your son, too. Get him away from this a:hole. Fight for your happiness.

Nothing is worth your health

Leaving isn't an option. He's

Leaving isn't an option. He's not what he used to be. He was never really physical with me.
Lately He's made attempts to change. He got on medication and it helps some... but now there's just too much damage done. It's just not salvageable at this point. Couple that with his ADD and it just makes for an awful awful relationship dynamic.
he says we feel like roommates and basically we are. I just refuse to put any more energy into our relationship. To me it's like, when I was at my weakest point and you were just crushing my spirit... did you give any mercy? Did you try harder? Nope. You said "fuck your feelings" and left me to myself wondering what I did wrong

this post is basically just me getting my feelings out. I felt like if I didn't I was just going to implode into myself.

Individual counseling

Individual counseling will help you so much. It will help you see things more clearly and will give you a trained person to hear you. You need that support. I hope you do it for yourself and your dear children. Will you let us know how it goes? Good luck, your story has touched many of us.

You are here

I’m on the precipice of something..

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